Tommy Boy Page #5

I want your truck to help

you get the job done.

I want your cruiser to get out there safely,

so you can clean up the streets.

And i want your kids to be safe

when you take them for a ride.

- Thanks, Ray.

- Thank you, son.

The name's Zalinsky. I make car parts

for the American working man,

because that's who i am.

And that's who i care about.

Drive down to Zalinsky.

He's the auto parts king.

He seems like a nice guy.

This is the guy trying to buy the company,

not to mention put you on the street

and all you can say is

"he seems like a nice guy"?

He does.

Michelle! I'm glad you called me back.

Yeah, things are going great.

I feel my first sale

coming out real soon.

Yeah, he's here. He's just going

over his car insurance forms.

Could we get any more moths in here?

What? Oh, Richard's vacuuming.

He's vacuuming. I don't know.

I guess he's clean.

Can i call you back in a few minutes?

Thanks. I miss you.

Hey! You can't sleep

with the window open.

And let me lay down

some other rules too.

- What are you so mad about?

- Are you nuts? Do you even have to ask?

My car is destroyed.

We haven't made one sale.

Which means we only

have to sell about a

half million brake pads

in the next ten days,

or else the factory is going under.

And the one guy who should be caring

about this, you, doesn't.

You know what, Richard? You don't know

me as good as you think you do.

I care about stuff, i'm getting

better at this sales thing.

I'm not, but i could if you help me.

Forget it, i have enough to do without

having to change your diapers.

- Richard, is this your coat?

- Don't do it!

Fat guy in little coat.

No.

Fat guy in a little coat.

Take it off.

I'm serious.

Richard, what's happening?

- Good tune man.

- I don't think so.

- Yeah, here we go.

- This song sucks.

- Talk about lame.

- Totally.

You can change it if you want.

- I don't care, it's up to you.

- I can live with it if you can.

Suit yourself.

Oh, God.

Hey, i was just thinking, when

we stopped for gas this morning

i think it was you who put the oil in.

Hey, if you're gonna say i didn't

put the right kind, then you're wrong.

I used 10W-30.

And besides, motor oil would have

nothing to do with this accident.

True. But you can't latch the hood

too well if you don't take the can out

you no-selling waste of space!

I swear to God you're worthless.

I'm sorry about your car.

But don't call me worthless.

I'm trying my best.

I'm not my dad.

That's right. You're not your dad.

He could sell a ketchup popsicle

to a woman in white gloves.

- Ketchup popsicle?

- Yeah.

I learned everything i know from him.

I didn't have a father,

and he looked out for me. But you!

He was your real dad and you

just took it for granted.

Hey, i'm big Tom's son, he'll fix

everything, so i'm allowed to be a moron.

That's it! Get out of the car!

It's go time, you and me.

Look Mommy, the rhino is

getting too close to the car.

Him too 'fraid to get out.

He just a little guy.

That's it big boy.

I'm gonna wail on you.

You're gonna regret volunteering

for this job, Porky.

Hey boys and girls,

it's Papa Smurf!

You know what, you don't want

none of me, think it through.

Come on, give me your best shot, and i'll

give you a free one! Let me have it!

That's it?

Come on, you can do better than that,

can't ya Captain Limp Wrist?

Try again.

Hey everybody, is there a

window open? I feel a draft.

If i wanted a kiss,

i woulda called your mother.

That was a good one.

Prehistoric Forest...

Richard, do i have a mark on my face?

It really hurts.

No, nothing. I thought i

hit you on the shoulder.

My shoulder doesn't hurt very much,

but my face does. Right here.

Not here,

or here so much, but right here.

Nope. Sheep shape.

Waitress could i get that shrimp

cocktail i saw on the glass case?

Yeah. And you... What can i get-

Jesus, what happened to your face?

I knew it. See, Richard?

I'll have chicken wings.

Kitchen's closed until dinner.

I just got cold stuff and desserts.

Boy, some chicken wings would really

hit the spot. You sure it's closed?

Let me check.

Yup, it's closed.

Okay. I'll just have

a sugar packet or two.

- Hey, what's your name?

- Helen.

That's nice.

You look like a Helen.

Helen, we're both in sales. Let me

tell you why i suck as a salesman.

Let's say i go into some guy's office

let's say he's even remotely

interested in buying something.

Well, then i get all excited, i'm

like Jo-Jo, the idiot circus-boy,

with a pretty new pet.

The pet is my possible sale.

Oh, my pretty little pet. I love you!

So i stroke it, and i

pet it, and i massage it.

I love it, i love my little

naughty pet. You're naughty.

And then i take my

naughty pet, and i go...

I killed it!

I killed my sale!

That's when i blow it.

That's when people like us have got

to forge head, Helen. Am i right?

God, you're sick. Tell you what,

i'll go turn the friers back on

and throw some wings in for ya.

Thanks, Helen. Tommy like-y.

Tommy want wing-y.

Did that board to the head

knock something loose?

What are you talking about?

That 180 you just

pulled at the waitress.

Why can't you sell like that?

I'm just having fun.

If we didn't get the wings, so what?

We still got that meat-lovers'

pizza in the trunk.

You got the wings cause you're relaxed.

You had confidence.

And that's what it takes to sell.

Confidence. Your dad had that.

Why do you always have

to de-turd this things?

My dad was smart, i'm not.

Very true. But there's

two types of smarts,

book smarts, which waved bye-bye

to you long ago,

and there's street-smarts,

the ability to read people.

And you know how to do that,

just like your dad.

He was the best at knowing

what people wanted to hear,

and what people needed to hear.

That's what selling is all about.

In a way, these people are

buying you, not just brake pads.

Hey everybody, it's Tony Robbins!

- Maybe you're right, Richard.

- I think i am.

Holy Lord, look at this guy, caught

him right after thanksgiving feast.

- Nice, Richard.

- Now i need a Pooper-Scooper.

I like your line.

And i like your prices.

But there's a problem.

There's no guarantee on the box.

If they break down, you can call

me at home, even if i'm watching TV.

Callahan has guaranteed

every part sold since 1925.

Maybe so, but it's not on the box.

It should always be on the box.

Comforting you, calling out

"I'm good. I'll never let you down."

"But if i do, i'm gonna

make all things better."

Our brake pads are made of

a non-corrosive poly-plated...

Son, if you're not talking

about a guarantee, skip it.

My customers need to see that little

label, lookin' at 'em right in the eye.

- Hey, you can get a good look at your butcher...

- No.

What?

- Remember, chicken wings.

- Chicken wings?

Alright, uh, you wanna talk

about guarantees, then...

Fellas, you just ran out of time.

Chicken wings.

Let's think about

this for a sec, Ted.

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