Tommy Boy Page #6

Why would someone put a guarantee

on a box? Hmm, very interesting.

Go on! I'm listening.

Here's the way i see it, Ted.

A guy puts a fancy guarantee on the box 'cause

he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.

- Yeah, makes a man feel good.

- Of course it does. Why shouldn't it?

You figure you put that little box

under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy

might come down and leave

a quarter, am i right, Ted?

What's your point?

The point is, how do you know

the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer?

"Building model airplanes" says the

little fairy. Well, we're not buying it.

He sneaks into your house once,

that's all it takes.

Next thing you know there's money missing

off the dresser and your daughter

is knocked up.

I've seen it a hundred times.

But why do they put a

guarantee on the box then?

'Cause they know all they sold

you was a guaranteed piece of sh*t.

That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if

you want me to take a dump in a box

and mark it "guaranteed", i will.

I got spare time.

But for now, for your customers' sake,

for your daughter's sake

you might wanna think about

buying a quality product from me.

Okay, i'll buy from you.

- Well I...

- What?!

He's made one deal, Paul.

It's not the end of the world.

What would be good for us?

We wanna sell the factory.

They're not gonna sell the factory

as long as Tommy keeps making sales.

Why don't you come to bed?

I got it! What does every

factory need? Trucks.

They make stuff. They gotta ship it.

It's most simple.

We stop the trucks,

we stop Tommy boy.

Not good.

Come on man, let's at least take five

minutes to celebrate our first victory!

Look, we got lucky, don't jinx it.

We only have a week left

before the loan's due. I gotta finish figuring

out our trips tonight, so we can jam out early.

Okay, i'll tell you what. You work out that

scientific stuff, i'll go out and get a pizza.

The only thing i need to figure out is

whether to get Chicago style or thin crust.

The salesman has left the building.

Chill bud.

Oh, mamasita!

Hi.

Tommy, scram! Don't give her

the weight room thing!

Do you know where the weight room is?

I'll check it out.

Sorry.

Oh, daddy likes! You get wet

honey, you deserve a swim...

Now take off that itchy robe.

Nobody's around.

It's naughty time.

Oh, for the love of God, i've been patient.

Please, don't stop!

You've been on the-

Oh, those are real!

No one's looking.

Speaking of "no one's looking"...

Bad girl.

Ah, thank you...

I'm back.

- Richard, what were you doing?

- Going over some documents.

- Where are they? Geez, i don't see them.

- They're in my briefcase.

- I thought you were getting pizza.

- They were closed.

How could you be reading documents

when they're in your briefcase?

That's a mystery.

- Were you watching "Spank-tro-Vision"?

- Ok then, let's hit it!

Maybe you were watching a movie with

that funny comedian, oh, what's his name?

Buddy Wackett?

All right then,

let's get some shut eye!

- Hey, that's a pretty girl down there.

- Good for her!

Geez, i wonder if she goes out

with one of the "Yankees".

Couldn't tell ya.

Big day tomorrow.

I hope we can keep this momentum going.

Yup, that'd be good.

Richard? Who's your favorite

little rascal? Alfalfa or is it Spanky?

Sinner!

Yes, i'll buy.

Yes, i like what i hear.

Yes, sounds good.

By the way, did you ever

eat paint chips as a kid?

Son of a...

A thousand units to Oshkosh?

Tommy, that's fabulous!

Your dad never sold a

thousand in Oshkosh.

Uh uh, since i've been here.

Lord, i never had to tinkle

so bad in all my life.

Richard! You're a riot!

Stop the car! Son of a...

What the hell's gotten

into you? My thing got

stuck in the zipper, i

got piss all over my pants.

Ok, thanks. Bye, i owe you.

Oh, there you are. While i was waiting

i thought i'd make a couple calls.

Okay, mom, i'll call you

later then, bye bye.

What do you want?

I just wanted to tell you that Tommy's

been talking a lot about you recently

and well, thought you

might wanna know that.

God, he's so sweet.

You've no idea how much it means

having you and your mom as family.

He says the sweetest things about her.

Everything he does is sweet.

So, when does sweetie get back?

This Friday. Which is great, because

we're backed up on orders as it is.

He's turned into this...

selling machine.

Well, between that and the sweetness,

i'd say hang on to it.

I gotta go.

Yes, sir. I can have that for you tomorrow.

Well, that'd be great. Thank you sir.

- Housekeeping.

- No, thank you. Sleeping.

- Housekeeping.

- Could you come back here in an hour?

- Housekeeping. You want towel?

- No towels, need sleepy.

Housekeeping. You

want mint for pillow?

Please, go away! Let me

sleep, for the love of God!

Housekeeping. You want me jerk you off?

What kind of hotel is this.

What the hell are- Oh, it's you.

Good morning, sunshine.

Hey, guess what, i just called "Auto Tech"

and they decided to make an order.

So according to my calculations,

that puts us over the mark.

- We did it?

- We did.

Oh, Richard, i'm so happy!

Hold me!

Don't run away from your feelings!

Something went haywire down

at shipping and receiving.

Your shipments got

screwed up in the computer,

the wrong parts went to the wrong cities.

Now all hell's broken lose.

I don't believe this.

Ok, so we call everyone

and explain what happened.

Half the orders have

already been cancelled.

What?!

They think it's an indication

of how things work around here.

The real problem is that we won't be

able to make the payment to the bank.

It's like a bad "Twilight Zone".

I think i'm growing a tumor.

Look, we talk to the bank.

Maybe they'll give us a break.

We've been doing business

with them for 23 years.

Tommy, it's all over.

You made a valiant effort, but

we're gonna have to sell to Zalinsky.

I'm flying to Chicago

to sign over the company.

- What's gonna happen to the factory?

- He's gonna shut it down.

Zalinsky doesn't care

about our workers.

He wants the Callahan name, that's all.

Did anyone see "Scanners"?

Bottom line is, by 6pm tomorrow

we'll all be unemployed.

Don't say anything, ok! I know i've

ruined your entire life, and you hate me,

so let me pack my things

and go crawling through

a dark hole for a few years.

Hi.

- So, do you hate me?

- I just don't get it.

I guaranteed overnight delivery.

- We faxed to our shipping addresses, didn't we?

- Yes.

And they were right when i put

them into my computer. I swear.

And how could-

Oh, man! This was so big!

I know it was big,

but it wasn't my fault.

Why can't you put your files in the

file cabinet like everybody else, uh?

I mean, maybe if you weren't such

a rebel, you could've avoided...

Don't worry because i've quit. So you

won't have to put up with anything anymore.

Michelle, wait!

Come on, please!

Thanks. Have a good flight.

May i help you?

Hi, i called about a ticket

to Cuyahoga Falls, the name's Brock.

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