Tommy Boy Page #7

Right. That flight goes through Columbus.

Let me just call that up for you.

Excuse me.

Hello, is detective Duane Brock

on duty today?

This town doesn't even know

what's about to hit it.

Fish in a barrel, my man.

Town's the fish, people are the barrel.

Fish in a barrel...

What's wrong with you, Richard?

You can't drink in a car.

Don't you know we could

get busted for that?

I'm sorry. I need not know that.

Right now we got a bigger problem.

- That is?

- Beer's coming back up.

Oh, Lord!

Here we go!

Cops!

Dammit, Richard.

The whole car smells like beer.

They're never gonna believe

i wasn't drinking. Hold on!

- What are you doing?

- I got an idea.

What the hell?

When i stop the car,

run out screaming.

No problem.

Little trick my dad taught me.

Bees! Bees! Bees in the car!

Bees everywhere!

God, they're huge!

They're ripping my flesh!

Son, roll around!

Do you hear me?

- Roll around on the ground!

- Forget that, i'm starting to swell up!

Save yourself, Tommy!

Don't be the hero!

- Frank, i'm allergic to bees.

- Me too.

They're huge and they sting crazy!

We'll come back

later to check on you.

Save yourselves!

Your firearms are useless against them!

Holy shnikees, it worked!

I just barfed in an anthill.

Cool! Wow, i think they're pissed.

Yeah. That's the answer.

Doesn't look like the answer.

I don't remember eating that.

No! Zalinsky. We go to Chicago,

tell him we're not for sale.

He seems like a good guy on TV.

He'll understand.

You're dreaming. You can't stop him.

You lost your shares to the bank, remember?

What the hell? In less than 24hs

i'll lose the factory anyway.

So why not give it a shot?

- Chicago?

- Chicago.

- You can't park here!

- Keep it!

Where are you going?

Leave me a message and

i'll get back to you. Thanks.

Hi, Michelle. This is Tommy.

Listen, i'm sorry about what i said.

I was being an idiot. I wanna

apologize cause, i didn't mean it.

Anyway, me and Richard are going

to Chicago, to straighten things out.

The next flight to Chicago

boards in five minutes but

i'm sorry, it's completely sold out.

I can put you on another one

at 3 o' clock this afternoon.

Lady, we really need to get to Chicago.

It's an emergency. Is there anything you can do?

I can put you in to

Salt Lake City, by 16.00...

I don't have time to go thru another city.

I need a direct flight to Chicago.

Oh, i can reserve you a flight

coming back from Chicago at 17.55...

Does that help?

Hi. I'm Earth.

Have we met?

I don't think so.

So, i'll talk to you later. Okay, bye.

We're screwed. No tickets

to Chicago. Not even stand- by.

There's gotta be something we can do.

Wait a minute! You got any money?

Cause i got a plan!

We're gonna get busted,

let's get out of here!

Too late.

Hey, guess who's here!

What are we serving tonight,

chicken or... chicken?

What a nice surprise! They said we

were gonna be short-handed this leg.

You two take coach. Oh, and could

you handle the announcements?

Okey dokey. No problemo.

They're gonna know we're bogus.

Relax! You get on the horn!

I throw some peanuts at 'em.

We'll be in Chicago before you know it.

Ok, folks, the guy in

front of you is Tommy.

He'll be taking you through

my little spiel here.

Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking,

and he's never been laid.

Exits! Ok, there's one back here,

and there's probably one

over by the wing, somewhere,

usually.

And what about seat belts?

To fasten, take the little end

and stick it in the big end.

You know what, if you guys

don't know how to use a seat belt,

just ring the call button and Tommy will

come back there and hit you on the head

with a tack hammer

cause you are a retard.

Ok, and life preservers.

These we may need.

Although what are the odds

of us actually hitting a lake?

My money says if anything,

it's gonna be a mountain.

To inflate, put it around your

neck and yank down on the tab.

Son of a!

I can't breathe!

Chocking!

He's a big dumb animal,

isn't he folks?

Folks, we're making our final

approach into Chicago.

Ma'am, are you still alive?

Ma'am there's a half hour time limit.

Ok, now, we're running out of time,

so you can't go see Zalinsky like that.

Now go change!

Go!

Fasten your seat belt.

I'm okay. I'm fine, i'm fine now.

- What are you doing?

- I'm nervous so i'm sweating.

You're gonna smell like a cab driver.

Not to say that that's bad.

I wanna be fresh for the meeting.

Well, you look good. Are you ready?

Ready or not, this is crunch time.

Son of a... That's gonna leave a mark.

- Whoa, look at this place!

- Welcome to the Pros.

Oh my God, it's him! There he is,

my friend. The King himself.

Let's do it! It's go time.

Where did he go?

I don't know. You check the elevators,

i'll check the bank.

Where is he? Where is he?

Listen up! This'll only take a second!

- Wow, what's going on down here?

- Walk slow!

- Okay. Why?

- Nothing.

- Am i consorting with a known felon?

- Shut up, Richard!

Hey mom! It's the guy

who robbed the bank!

I didn't rob any bank.

Oh, yeah, right. Like there was

other real fat guy with a tiny head.

I got a tiny head?

Zalinsky.

Say something!

Mr. Zalinsky? I'm Tommy Callahan.

Big Tom Callahan's son.

Sorry to hear about your dad.

He was a good man.

Went a little heavy on the

pine tree perfume there, kid.

Sir, it's a taxi cab air-freshener.

Great, you've pinpointed it.

Step two is washing it off.

Sir, what exactly happened here?

He came out of the shadows behind me

and after he hit me many many

times in the head, with a hammer

i had to give him my gun,

you know, i've got kids.

So as more details emerge on

this attempted bank robbery,

Action 8 will be there.

But the "Callahan" factory's

been in my family for 70 years,

you can't just shut it down.

Son, you gotta look at it

from my point of view.

Callahan's a premium name.

That's what i'm buying.

I can make the parts in one of my

factories, put 'em in a Callahan box

and sell 'em in my stores.

At a premium price. Why keep your factory

going when all i want is the goddamned box?

I'll tell you why. Cause

there's a town involved here.

Callahan factory is the

only thing keeping it alive.

Look, believe it or not,

i'm providing a service.

I'm thinning the corporate herd.

You've seen "Daktari"?

The weaker animals always go.

So the kids cry when you tie an old

tiger to a tree and shoot him.

But that's life!

America's in a state of renewal.

We've gotta have the strength to

tie a few factories to a tree

and bash 'em with a shovel.

Meanwhile, if i can grab

your share of the market,

put a little coin in the

pocket, by being the a**hole?

Well, what the hell,

you know what i mean?

Boy, you sure are different

in your TV commercials.

What the American public

doesn't know

is what makes them

the American public, alright?

God, i love that!

Hell, folks believe me when i tell them: We're

not just building automotive components here

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