Too Many Husbands Page #5

Let's wait another day.

I shouldn't be hasty about this.

Wait for what? There are laws in this

country, and you have to obey them.

What is the law?

Especially with Bill legally dead?

I'll find out. I'll go straight to a lawyer.

You'll do nothing of the sort.

This is my problem

and I'll work it out myself.

But you're illegal!

Sir, I'd appreciate it

if you wouldn't upset Vicky so much.

- After all, I have a lot at stake.

- Yes. Me, too.

Are you trying to tell me

how to talk to my own daughter?

She's our wife!

I'm terribly sorry, madam.

I... I guess I'm a bit old-fashioned.

That was absolutely brilliant, Cardew.

He'd find out sooner or later.

Everybody'll find out.

And we have to be ready to face them.

Vicky, you're not leaving this house

until you decide

which one of these men

you want for a husband.

Do you understand?

- I guess that's the only thing to do.

- You're darned right it is.

I'll be upstairs. You can call me

when you've made up your mind.

And to you men, all I can say is

that I hope the loser will have

the decency to join the Foreign Legion.

Vicky, while you're deciding,

I want you to remember

that I came to you in your darkest hour

with all the love that was in my heart.

I want you to remember that.

- Honey, I...

- And that our life together,

if you should choose me, will be as happy

as it's in my power to make it.

Thank you.

Honey, I don't ask you

to remember anything.

Just that our love was the first love,

the true love, the love that lives forever.

Please, will you wait for me

in the living room?

- I want to talk to Peter first.

- Yes, perhaps we'd better.

- I'll be with you in a minute.

- Vicky, I love you.

Oh, come on.

- Oh, let me think.

- Certainly.

- What was the idea of that?

- Can you do it?

I could do it if there was

a reason for doing it.

- I say you can't. Is that reason enough?

- Not at all.

I thought not.

- You think you're so much.

- I haven't said a word.

- All right, spell Pithecanthropus erectus.

- Why?

- Because I say you can't, that's why.

- Who can't?

You can't.

P-l-T-H-E-C-A-N-T-H-R-O-P-U-S-

E-R-E-C-T-U-S.

Is that right?

- Yes.

- What's it mean?

It's the missing link between

ape and man, like an athlete.

- You big show-off!

- Oh! No, Henry. Henry, don't.

Henry!

- Are you hurt?

- I guess I tripped.

A man of your years shouldn't

try a thing like that, Hank.

My years?

I'm only three years older than you.

But those are the years that count.

I knew this would happen.

Here I am trying to make the most

important decision in my life

and you two men act like children.

Are you all right, Bill?

- How did it happen?

- Your years started counting.

Now, come over here, both of you.

And sit quietly

while I try to think.

Well,

I can't. I can't send one of you away.

I'm going crazy!

I guess it's up to us.

We should never have wished this

on her in the first place.

- What will it be? Toss a coin?

- No. That sounds too carefree.

- All right, what?

- We'll draw lots.

- For what?

- For you.

- You mean, like I was a lottery prize?

- Vicky, will you be reasonable?

Something has to be done

and we're doing it.

- We can...

- Don't I have anything to say?

- Then say it.

- We're settling this thing like men, Vicky.

That was the agreement.

How will we do it?

We can take two pieces of paper

and make a cross on one of them.

Then we'll fold them and put them

in a hat or a bowl or something.

And the one who draws the cross

gets Vicky?

And the one who draws the blank

gets the gate.

- You both sound so cold-blooded.

- Can you think of a better way?

- No.

- Then would you mind getting

a pencil and paper?

Of all the crazy... I have a good mind

to pack my things and leave you both.

We should have thought of this last night.

It would have saved us

walking around in our bare feet.

Treating me like I was

a free trip to Niagara Falls.

Remember, the one who draws the blank

renounces all claims to Vicky.

He vanishes from the scene

like a puff of smoke.

Never to be heard from again.

Well, there's no need for the loser

to go all the way to Siberia, you know?

We're handling this.

Now, remember,

the paper with the cross wins Vicky.

The one who draws the blank...

For him, nothing. Oblivion.

- This is kind of dramatic.

- Well, there's happiness for one...

And misery for the other.

Here, mix them.

- I...

- Mix them good.

All right, Bill, you draw first.

No, you go.

It's your privilege.

You're her first husband.

That's right, Bill.

- Oh, this is terrible. I'm beginning to sweat.

- What about me?

Buck up, Bill.

Oh, it's no good. My nerves are all shot

after a year on that island.

- Close your eyes and plunge.

- Yes, hurry!

All right, get it over.

What is it?

Poor Bill.

Blank!

Oh, my poor darling! Oh!

Don't pity me.

I made a bargain and I'll stick to it.

Anyway, I learned to live

alone on that island

for 365 dreary days and 365 horrible nights.

Don't feel that way, dear.

You'll come to see us often, won't you?

He will not. Well, old man,

now that everything is settled,

- shall I call a cab for you?

- Don't rush him!

- Yes, don't rush me.

- Well, you lost, didn't you?

- Do you want to make it harder on all of us?

- Henry!

You seem plenty anxious

to get me out of here.

Oh, no, not at all, Bill.

Take your time. Take all of half an hour.

Before I go, would you mind letting me see

that other piece of paper?

The one with the cross on it?

Why don't you be a good loser and leave?

Let me see that paper you drew.

- Why do you want to see it?

- Just curiosity.

That's a fine thing to say in front of Vicky.

"Just curiosity."

When your heart should be

one great, aching wound.

I'm going to have the two pieces framed

as a souvenir

of the saddest moment of my life.

- Now, where's that piece of paper?

- Let him have it.

Any other piece will do.

I threw that piece in the fireplace.

You did not. You put it in your robe pocket.

Now, give it to me, before I take it from you.

- You can go to blazes!

- Vicky, grab him!

- What did he do? Give it to him.

- I will not!

- Why not?

- He hurt my feelings.

I won't have my feelings hurt!

What's going on down there?

I'm warning you!

Stop, before it's too late!

Vicky, hit him over the head with the poker.

What's going on here?

Get him!

Stop this, or I'll call the police!

- Now, Vicky, that's it.

- I can't hit Henry!

- Give me that paper!

- I haven't got any paper!

- Dad! Dad!

- Let go of me.

- Daddy. Dad. Say something, Dad.

- Let go of me. Let go of my robe.

- Sure, I'll let go.

- Say something, dear.

- Can you hear me? Look at me, Dad.

- Give me that paper.

- You'll be all right.

- Get off me!

Will you stop fighting and help me with

Dad? Look what you've done to him!

- I told you, I threw it away!

- Oh, no, you didn't.

Ouch! Let go, I'll give you your old paper.

Help! Somebody help! He can't talk!

Oh, God! Try, Dad.

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