Too Many Husbands Page #8

to saturate ourselves with liquid poison?

Yes, and what did we talk about

to every woman who sat down with us?

- Vicky. Our wife.

- Thank you very much.

And how much we loved her.

Loved me! If you loved me at all,

you never would have left here,

even if I did tell you to get out.

- Well, we were coming back sooner.

- Six different times.

Once I offered to come home alone

and cheer you up, but Hank wouldn't let me.

- You're darned right Hank wouldn't let you.

- So to compromise, you both stay away.

Do you know what I ought to do?

I ought to...

- Madam, the police.

- The police? For what?

Mrs. Lowndes, I presume.

This is Lieutenant Sullivan.

- He's interested in your case.

- Glad to know you.

What case? There isn't any case.

Bugtail coats.

One dark and one blonde. Yeah.

Mrs. Lowndes, you were saying something

over the phone about your husbands?

These them?

I told you before, you misunderstood me.

This is my husband, Mr. Lowndes.

- Gentlemen.

- Glad to know you.

And his friend, Mr. Cardew.

- Glad to know you.

- It's a pleasure.

Mr. Lowndes and his friend

were at a stag dinner.

He just forgot

to mention it to me, that's all.

- Yes. Yes.

- Simple.

Now that this little mix-up is

all straightened out,

why, you can just go along

and take care of more important things.

The butler,

would you mind calling him in?

- Why?

- Routine. Just routine.

- Nice place you have here.

- Oh, we...

Yes. I'm glad you like it.

You married, Mr. Cardew?

- Yes.

- What's your wife's name?

- Mrs. Cardew.

- That's a pip. I always like that one.

- Peter.

- Never mind.

Pete, would you point out

this lady's husband?

- Why...

- He ought to know the man who hired him.

- Mr. Lowndes, sir.

- Now, that was a signal!

That will do, Pete.

By the way,

I didn't see anybody flash a warrant.

For what? We rang the bell and got asked in.

Then is it all right with you

if you get asked out?

That's a pip. I always liked that one, too.

Where do you live, Mr. Cardew?

- Oh, The Plaza.

- Do you mind if I call up to make sure?

- Well, I haven't registered yet.

- What did you say you live there for?

- 'Cause...

- Listen.

If you stepped off a train in New York

and phoned a friend

that you were stopping at The Plaza,

what's wrong with that?

You're not there yet, but you will be.

That's right. I arrived last night.

- Then where do you live?

- The Plaza.

Don't explain things to him.

He'll get confused.

- Who are you?

- Who are you?

We're detectives.

This is my daughter. What's the trouble?

Trouble? There's no trouble. But there's

one little question we'd like to ask you.

Watch her for signals, Mac.

- Is your daughter married?

- Yes.

Who to?

Well, answer.

Will you take my word for it

that I have only one husband?

I was married once before,

but he's dead.

I'm asking your father.

That one, Mr. Lowndes.

I guess I misunderstood you, lady.

I'm sorry.

Oh, oh, that's all right.

I'm sorry to have caused you

so much trouble.

We're sorry to have bothered you, lady.

- That's all right.

- Goodbye, Miss Lowndes.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- Oh, Mrs. Cardew...

- Yes?

- Oh!

- Yes, indeed!

- That was a pip.

All right, you guys, we'll give you five

minutes to get out of them nightgowns,

then we'll all go downtown.

- What for? We didn't do anything.

- Oh, yes, you did... Twice.

- Good luck, Bill.

- You mean, I...

Good luck, Henry.

Tell Vicky I'll see her at home.

- But who... Which...

- Yes, but am I the...

Well, the judge was very nice about it.

He said that the fact that Bill

was declared legally dead

before the usual five-year period proved

there was evidence that I was a widow.

And he said that so long as I didn't marry

two men intentionally

that he wasn't going to do

anything about that.

Wasn't that sweet of him?

- Yes, but...

- Well...

I want you both to understand that

this has been taken

out of our hands now.

- This is the law deciding our lives.

- Yes, honey.

Yes, of course, we realize that, dear.

But what is it?

I have only one legal husband.

My name is Mrs. Cardew.

Darling! My wife! My own wife!

Yes, Bill.

Well, what am I, legally?

Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.

Oh, isn't it a shame

Henry can't be happy, too?

- Don't you feel sorry for him, Bill?

- Yes, I guess it is pretty tough on you, Hank.

I won't try to lie. It is.

You understand, dear, I didn't do this.

We have to obey the judge.

I know. I'll find some place to stay

and send for my things this afternoon.

We're going to miss you so much, Henry.

Well, I'll see you in a few days, Hank,

after things get back to normal.

- Oh, but, Bill...

- Goodbye.

Goodbye. Congratulations.

Goodbye, dear.

Old times again.

Vicky, this is darned near a dream!

- It's more fun than your island, isn't it?

- Yeah.

Why, Henry!

Just a lonely bachelor.

You don't mind, do you?

- Mind? Hank, if you don't...

- Now, Bill.

- Of course we don't mind.

- Thank you, dear.

- No dinner now. Just champagne, please.

- Yes, Mr. Lowndes.

- Perrier-Jout, '28.

- Yes, sir.

- Where do you get that "No dinner now"?

- Bill, please...

- This is my table and I want a steak!

- A glorious night for romance

and you want

to tear a cow apart with your teeth.

- You look wonderful, dear.

- I already told her.

Thank you, Henry. And Bill.

How did you find out

we were coming to Frank's?

You ask me that.

Listen, in case you think you're going

to hang around here and be cute,

you'd better get it into your head

that Vicky is my wife, all mine, and I'm not...

Bill. Henry is our best friend.

- Why, he's practically one of the family, dear.

- Vicky!

Yes, you should be thankful

for a friend like me.

Think of me always, darling, as old faithful,

waiting to console a lonely wife

when her husband hears

the clarion call of adventure.

Hears what clarion call of what adventure?

Oh, it's bound to happen.

A man is what he is born, Bill.

You can't escape it. You left Vicky before

and you'll do it again. It's destiny.

It might take a year, it might take two.

I can wait.

- You shouldn't say that, Henry.

- Listen to me, Hank.

Listen to me. If I live

two thousand years, three thousand,

I'll spend every day and every night

making Vicky so doggoned happy

she won't even remember

how to spell your name.

Do you really mean that, dear?

Naturally he meant it, but you know Bill.

Shall we dance, dear?

A consolation prize for the loser?

- Loser? You act like a loser!

- I guess that's the least we can do for you.

By the way, Bill, I picked these up

for you this afternoon.

Look them over. Excuse us, won't you?

- We will have to do this often.

- Yes!

Yes.

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