Top Five Page #10

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You've been at several of my weddings.

But I always knew

that wasn't what I was into.

I wasn't into the wedding

and everyone knew it.

I should have been into the guy.

As you should be into the girl.

- Make her sign the prenup.

- Prenup.

It's a hard conversation,

but just do it.

You will be happy in the long run.

- My money.

- Whose money is it?

My money!

- Who wrote the jokes?

- I wrote the jokes.

Keep that f***ing cash. Sign that sh*t.

Did you get one?

I did not.

F***!

Gonna go outside and check on the car.

Got a plane to catch.

All right, hurry up.

We gotta get out of here.

I'm on it! You know I'm on it.

Hey, Andre, she really loved the phone.

James Nielson!

Can I talk to you for a second?

- I don't want to talk to you, James.

- Please?

No! I don't want to talk.

Hey, everybody!

This man right here is a journalist!

He is not to be trusted!

Okay. I'm sorry.

Okay, James is a character

I created a very long time ago,

and unfortunately,

he's still a very popular character.

Character?

What are you, Sasha Fierce?

I got it. Shakira Simmons.

- Shakara.

- Shakara Simmons.

- Yeah.

- Who gives a f***?

- Was it all a lie?

- Of course not.

Were you in character the whole time?

No!

Any of it?

Your mother, your kid.

Your Cinderella bullshit.

I'm really sorry. What I did was wrong

and it was creepy and it was weird.

And I know you won't believe me,

but I actually did it because I like you.

All right?

The fan in me just wanted to know

what happened to that guy

that I saw at Purchase.

You liked me?

Yes, that made me laugh and cry.

You can't touch the girls.

She took my wallet. I don't know

where it is, but she has it.

I don't have any clothes on.

Where am I gonna put it?

Do I have to say it?

We got drama. Come on. We gotta go.

- Let's get out of here.

- Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Hey, Andre?

Are you going my way?

So are you okay, alky?

Yeah, I'm real good.

It's not as bad as it looks.

I got a Google alert that said

that the incident was part of the show.

But I could tell

that you were really drinking.

You're not that good of an actor.

Nice one, James.

Hey, where are we going?

I thought we were just dropping her off.

We're just making a little stop first.

Stop where?

Yo, come on.

Thank you.

I thought we'd just see a couple,

and then, you know,

we can just get out of here.

Yo, Hammy!

Wassup, Hammy!

What's happenin', man?

- You going on?

- No, no.

All right.

Look around the room,

look around the room,

look around the room,

any guy not laughing at that right now,

is on a date.

There is a battle going on at the table

between the man and the woman.

- What's up, man?

- The man wants leverage.

- How's it going?

- The woman wants leverage.

See, when the check comes,

if the girl puts money on the table,

that's called the "no p*ssy deposit."

She just put a deposit down

on not having to do sh*t with you later

on that night.

You ever see how the girl,

when she drops the twenty,

she holds her hand up

like she shot a three-pointer,

then gets back on defense? Bam!

Oh, my gosh, look at this outfit.

This is me trying.

This is what you look like

when you start giving up.

Take a note. People keep asking me

if I'm from Michigan.

I'm like, "No, I'm done.

It looks the same."

It looks exactly the f***ing same.

I don't wear anything

that doesn't transition well

to bed from now on.

If I can't pull the bra out the sleeve,

I'm not interested in you.

I'm not interested.

Yeah, how come every movie

with slaves always has that one scene?

It's like... It's like Slave Idol.

You guys ain't going to believe this.

The one, the only, Andre Allen!

What can I say?

Please lower your expectations.

It's not gonna be that good.

What the hell am I doing up here?

I haven't done this in a long time.

A lot of people don't like dates.

It's like, "I hate dating. I hate dating."

I like dates. Dates are cool.

'Cause a date means

someone is considering f***ing you.

They have to, like, ponder it.

It's just...

Anybody you can eat with,

you might have a chance of f***ing.

So, and they're just pondering

f***ing you.

They're weighing it in their head.

They're going...

Girls are going,

"His dick, my mouth. I wonder."

And even if it doesn't happen,

you just feel... I feel good.

I mean, any day somebody thinks

about f***ing you is a good day.

That's the thing with women.

Like... They don't...

No matter what you do for a woman,

if it doesn't end in marriage,

this was a waste of time.

I don't care what you do for her.

You could... Got her a job,

you know, cured her diabetes,

taught her how to read.

But if it's over

and you don't marry her,

it's like, "I can't believe

I wasted my time with you."

"F*** you and your letters."

"I could have been married

with diabetes by now."

What can I say?

All I can say is, don't make

any major decisions after a blowj*b.

You know, let the blowj*b wear off.

Then you figure out

what you want to do, you know.

That's just my advice to you.

I'm sure that's what

happened to J.F.K, you know.

Marilyn Monroe gave him a blowj*b and,

you know, he was, like,

"I'm gonna get me a convertible."

One more time! Andre Allen!

- Come on. Hurry up!

- That was incredible!

Hammy!

- You still got it! I told you!

- Yes.

- Amazing. Oh, my God.

- Get in there, get in there.

Hammy, keep it real.

Yo, Hammy.

Come on, go, go, go, go!

That was incredible!

- Amazing. As always.

- Wasn't he amazing?

You were amazing. You were so great.

How do you feel?

I feel...

Insane, man! I feel like,

you know, it's like I took the pill

and I'm in the Matrix.

Like, I can't believe it.

I'm just watching the people.

And I can hear them laugh,

and I could feel the laughter.

Okay, what got you up there?

What did it?

When I met you this morning,

you mentioned this show that I did

at your school like 15 years ago.

And I remembered it.

It was a good show.

It was.

You just got me thinking

about being on stage.

So, that's all it took, huh?

That...

...and jail.

- Jail.

- You were barely in there.

After I got off the phone with Erica,

I thought I was at bottom.

I was like, "This is it,

I have f***ed up everything."

And at that moment,

I heard this crazy sound.

DMX.

What are you doing here?

Really? What am I doing here?

I'm X, man.

I live in this motherf***er, man.

Don't you watch the news?

Damn, homie.

I respect the f*** out of your sh*t, man.

Uprize?

I'm gonna see that

as soon as I get out, man.

Yo, man, thanks a lot, man.

I'm a big fan of yours, too.

One thing I really respect about you,

why I f*** with you for real, son,

is that you won't let the industry

box you in.

We're pretty much

on some same sh*t, yo.

I'm kind of tired of rapping, man.

Plus, I got so much more to offer.

That's what I always say, man.

I got so much more to offer.

- You got a minute?

- Yeah.

Check this out.

Smile, though your heart is aching

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