Top Five Page #9

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That's beside the point.

You're James Nielson.

It's not what you think.

You trashed me for years.

And then you hang around me

like you're my friend?

I'm sorry.

I've been wanting to say something

all day, I just didn't know how.

Shut the f*** up.

Now you're lying on top of your lies.

- I'm not lying.

- You're lying.

I remember

in one of your reviews, you go,

"O.J.'s been brought to justice.

"Bin Laden's been brought to justice.

"When will Andre Allen

be brought to justice

"for his crimes against humanity?"

My mother read that sh*t.

Andre Allen.

Andre?

Hammy!

Andre.

Okay, maybe I took it too far.

You think?

Yeah.

I was so happy 10 minutes ago.

Me, too.

- You told me you were in the program.

- I am.

You're not in the program.

I am. That's the truth.

What do they tell you in the program?

What do they tell us?

"Rigorous honesty."

I know.

- Rigorous f***ing honesty.

- I know.

You wanna know why

I won't make any funny movies?

'Cause I never did it clean.

Every time you ever seen me be funny,

I was drunk or high, or both.

Every time. Every show.

I was f***ed up.

And now people want me to be funny.

And you know what?

I don't know if I can do it.

And I'm scared.

I am scared.

Rigorous honesty.

The wedding is tracking like crazy.

There are no more ads to buy.

You sure you can't talk him

into doing a few more receptions?

No, I don't think so.

But I'm pretty sure I can sell him

on more honeymoon stuff.

Don't worry. I'll get him on board.

How's the movie tracking?

- So, what's the line for?

- Boo.

What's that?

It's the new Tyler Perry movie.

It's where Madea

gets trapped in a haunted house.

- It's doing great.

- Yo, Hammy!

Good for him. So, how am I doing?

So how's it playing

on the other screens?

This is the only screen it's playing on.

Stop here.

Yeah.

Hey, yo, man, you mind if I get

a picture with you real quick, man?

I'm a big fan of your movies.

I love all of it, man.

Not right now, man, not right now.

Come on, let me get

one picture with you.

Hey, what's that?

Hey!

Hammy the f***ing beer?

F*** you, Hammy!

Hammy the f***ing beer?

No!

- I need you to relax.

- Get away from me!

Come on!

Hammy!

Wassup, Ham?

You saw me, man. You heard me.

Hammy!

...when he flew into a wild rage

at a grocery store in Manhattan.

Out, please. Thank you.

Can we clear the room, please?

Quickly, thank you.

- Thank you.

- All right, let's go.

Dre?

Hey, hey.

I cannot believe you did this to me.

Are you kidding me?

Right before our wedding? Really?

It is on CNN, Fox, TMZ,

Media f***ing TakeOut!

As soon as I get out of here,

I'm gonna come right to you.

No, no, no.

You're not gonna come to me.

You're gonna go

to your f***ing bachelor party!

You can still make this right, Dre.

I'm an alcoholic. I'm a f***ing drunk.

Do you really think

I need to go to a party?

You have to do this.

Did you forget who the f*** I am?

I turned down Bradley Cooper!

Matt Kemp! Matt f***ing Kemp!

I could have had anybody!

I chose you, Dre.

Everybody wanted to wife me,

and I chose you.

Dre, what do I do?

Every time I see you after

we've been separated, what do I do?

We have sex?

No, no, no. Not just sex.

After every time

we have been separated,

the moment I see you,

the second you walk through the door,

I suck your dick! Every time!

Do you think I wanted to do that? Dre?

I didn't know

you were keeping a blowj*b tab.

That's not what I'm saying.

What I am saying, Dre,

is that I sucked your dick for us!

I sucked it for us

because I knew, sooner or later,

I was gonna need you

to do something for me

that you didn't want to do.

You owe me.

Do you hear yourself?

You're addicted to this sh*t.

See, what you're not understanding,

this is all I have.

Okay? I don't have a talent.

Right? I don't sing.

I don't dance. I don't act.

I don't tell jokes.

I'm not you, Dre.

You have to... You have to choose me.

Erica?

Okay?

Everyone needs to see you choose me.

- Erica.

- I am finally famous.

Don't ruin this for me!

Give me the phone. Give me the phone.

Don't say nothin'.

Look at you. You look great.

Didn't I tell you?

These streets are dangerous. I said it.

This reminds me of eighth grade.

We got locked up for playing hooky.

Remember that?

Don't say "we."

The cops grabbed me.

You let 'em catch you.

What was I supposed to do,

let you get locked up by yourself?

Dre, next time they give you one call,

call me.

Here's what you are going to do.

You are going to attend

your bachelor party.

And then you're going to

climb up on that jet

and you, my man,

are going to get married.

And then, and only then,

I will make sure

that your little incident

plays into the press

like it was part of the show.

I will tell the media, the cops,

your parole officer,

that we all thought

the alcohol was fake.

Everybody knows

that these shows aren't real.

But if you decide

to do something drastic,

you are on your own.

Your own.

It's okay.

Hey, young lady,

it is way past your bedtime.

Come on, two more minutes?

I got some more pigs to kill.

Turn off Grandma's phone.

It's not Grandma's. It's mine.

Yours.

Who gave you a phone?

The Prince sent it.

I got strict orders to have you

out of here in 45 minutes.

Sorry about the movie.

There's always word of mouth.

It could still be a hit!

If you say so.

You guys ever been here?

I have not been here.

No. My wife gave me 20 minutes

and said, "Get in, get out."

We're not here now.

Watch your pockets, too,

they will pick it.

That's a guarantee. Not being racist.

- That's being ho-ist.

- Who?

Some of these chicks need money

and you f***in' know it. Relax.

You been here before, Whoopi?

Hey, Whoopi.

Hi, Jasmine.

Hi, Jerry.

My niece.

She goes to my temple.

Whatever you do, don't get a mistress.

Can't do it. You'll get caught.

Just be a good person.

You can handle that. Just be good.

Stay good to her.

Stay true to her. Whack off.

- Whack off.

- Whack off.

Whack off.

And if it does happen, do not confess.

You will get caught. Just because...

No matter what, even if she finds

an actual vagina in your pocket.

- Don't confess.

- "I don't know how it got there."

My wife found two pussies

in my glove compartment.

And I had to convince her, you know,

it's a standard option on a Mercedes.

You can lie as much as you want,

she's going to know.

It takes a village.

Don't cheat.

I have no plans to cheat.

I know, no one does.

No one plans to speed.

Biggie, Jay, Nas, Ghostface, Jadakiss.

If you gonna say Gang Starr,

then you need to say

C.L. Smooth, Pete Rock.

You the one that picked

The Scenario over...

What's the other one?

- The Symphony.

- The Symphony.

F***ing Scenario is better

than Symphony, nigga!

Can I finish?

So how you doing?

I'm all right. I mean,

all that stuff that's on TV, that was...

That was just for the show.

I'm not really drinking.

Okay, I got married a lot of times.

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