Top Five Page #8

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"Hey, man, I'm freezing."

"Me, too.

"Why don't you meet me at a hotel

so we can switch clothes?"

Kelly? Can I... I need to talk to you.

Please. Thank you.

Great.

I can say I've dated every race,

and now I've dated gay.

Asian?

Yes, Asian.

Karate Asian or nerdy Asian?

Asian-Asian.

You know, there's a billion Chinese.

I think it's proven that their d*cks work.

Yeah.

I've dated married.

I've had a girlfriend.

Two girlfriends.

Okay, so you can go all k.d. lang,

but if he's with one guy, he's gay.

Whatever, I don't make up the rules.

Who cares?

It's not about that.

That's not the point.

You know, stuff like this

doesn't come out of the blue.

There must have been some sort of sign.

I'm not gonna tell you.

- Come on, tell me something.

- I'm not telling you.

Come on, Teen Mom. Let it out.

Okay, so we had a normal sex life.

Then one day, out of the blue...

Put a finger in my ass.

You know, I'd never done that before.

I didn't want to do it.

Like, this was not my thing,

and luckily, no one

had ever asked me before,

so it never really came up.

But he asked me.

And then my grandmamma

popped into my brain.

Whatever he wants you to do

you better do it.

Or some other b*tch will.

I like your grandma.

So I did it and he liked it.

Oh, yes. That's it.

- Like that?

- Yeah, yeah.

In a weird way, I was happy

to be doing something he liked.

But then he wanted it all the time.

Everywhere.

On a plane.

Go another knuck. Knuck it up, girl.

- Knuck it up.

- Yeah? Yeah?

At my friend's party.

Yes, yes, yes!

What's my motherfuckin' name? Jigga!

Pretty soon, that's all he wanted.

So one night, we're at dinner

with Ryan and his "girlfriend."

So, Chels, you've been

looking for a place, right?

What's been going on with that?

Yeah. I'd like to buy a house, you know,

but everything's still so expensive.

I thought the market was down.

Babe, are you kidding?

With your credit, you couldn't get a loan

if Bill Gates cosigned it.

Good one!

Hey, Alexa, how's your place

down in Costa Rica doing?

Wait a second.

You got a place in Costa Rica?

I felt completely humiliated,

but it was, you know, just let it go.

It's not a big deal.

You know, you're bigger than that.

You got a babysitter.

We can have make-up sex.

It's gonna be fine.

What? What?

I have to go to the bathroom.

Okay. All right, go, go, go. Go.

I think it's dance night, baby.

You ready?

You know I am.

Come give Papa what he needs.

I looked at his ass,

just stuck up in the air.

And I thought about what he did.

Good one!

If Bill Gates cosigned you.

I don't know, something just snapped.

I reached into my purse

and pulled out a tampon.

Then I pulled out my hot sauce.

No, no!

Don't say it!

And I...

Don't say it!

I shoved it up his ass.

What is that?

Yup.

Why? Why?

Why are you doing this to me?

Take it out of here now!

Hey, smartass,

I don't hear you laughing now!

He's such an a**hole!

What are we doing?

You know, Grace really loves him.

Like, a lot.

And then he's just gonna be gone.

What am I supposed to tell her?

Just tell her the truth.

I mean, you don't want her to think

she's supposed to stay with some guy

out of some false sense of obligation.

She's gonna see her mom fall down

and then she's gonna see her mom

pick herself back up.

No, what she's going to see is her mom

having paraded yet another dude

through the house who's a loser!

Oh, my God. My favorite.

My favorite.

You're right.

I'm just going to have to

start the process again

of vetting another dick.

You're not gonna have a hard time

meeting anybody, come on.

I mean, you're smart, you're beautiful.

I'm really not fishing

for compliments right now.

No, no. I'm serious.

I am, too.

You're beautiful.

You know that, right?

Can we get out of here?

What happened after that? What,

you just went to brunch after that?

Yes, as a matter of fact.

We didn't even talk about it.

I thought we were breaking up,

but apparently not, you know.

And that's why

I've been feeling so guilty,

and texting him and calling him all day

and trying to figure out

what to do with his birthday.

Come on,

he's not gonna break up over that.

Why not?

'Cause what's

he supposed to tell people?

"Yeah, we broke up 'cause my girlfriend

"shoved a red hot chili pepper

up my ass."

No, no, no.

He's gonna wait to do something

like cheat on you or hit you.

You know,

like, a nice respectable break-up.

- Hit me? Hit me?

- Not...

Something respectable

like cheat on me or hit me.

So basically, what you're saying

is that you're taking his side.

- I'm not taking his side. I mean...

- Awesome.

- Clearly you are.

- Come on. Come on.

You're saying it's my fault.

I can't believe

you didn't see this sh*t.

I mean, he was wrong, okay?

He was wrong.

But he wasn't burning-ass wrong.

See, that's why

I didn't want to tell you.

I open up to you and you laugh at me.

- It's funny.

- It's not funny!

What's funny about being cheated on?

Come on. If you think

this is just about cheating,

then you're very naive.

Naive? I'm naive?

Mr. "The network picks out my rings."

Mr. "I owe somebody a wedding."

I'm naive?

Okay, first of all, you don't know me...

You know "naive" well.

Miss "I used my boyfriend's ass

as a hand puppet." Yeah, yeah.

I don't need to know you

to know that something is wrong.

Why do you even care, okay?

Why don't you care?

Can we just talk about my movie?

F*** your shitty movie!

We should stop.

What the f*** are we doing?

We gotta get out of here.

Yes.

- But first...

- What?

You gotta get your hands out my pants.

You gotta get your hands

out of my pants.

- You first.

- You first.

Okay, on three.

Okay. At the same time.

- Same time.

- Okay.

Same time, motherf***er.

One,

two,

three.

Goddamn.

Okay.

We should get out of here?

Yeah, yeah, but you go first.

We can't get out of here

at the same time.

Okay, I mean, you know...

Remember, nothing happened, right?

Yeah, like, just because we didn't f***

it doesn't mean

that we didn't f*** around.

So you go first and then I'll come out

in a couple seconds. A couple minutes.

Okay, so I'm going to get out of here.

- Okay.

- I gotta make a call anyway.

Sh*t, my phone's dead.

I gotta call f***ing London.

Here, use mine.

Okay.

Code, 1999.

Thanks.

Yo, yo, Silk.

You're Hammy the Bear!

Yeah, yeah, have him pick me up

at the Coffee Shop.

Yeah, Union Square.

Two iced coffees!

Hammy!

Hammy, I love you, man!

What the f***?

Chelsea is James Nielson?

Why, 'cause your boy James Nielson

said he wouldn't watch my next movie

if it was playing in his glasses?

James.

I love you, Andre!

Andre!

Oh, my God, it's Andre Allen!

When are you gonna do

another Hammy movie?

Your boss is looking for you.

Okay.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

You're James Nielson.

Were you going through my phone?

I went through your phone

looking for naked pictures.

That's going through my phone.

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