Top Gear: The Perfect Road Trip Page #4

The Porsche was faster.

- It wasn't fair. You cheated.

- Say it.

What?

...James May.

- There.

- No. Say it so it's audible.

I... love James May.

With that done,

we got back in our cars.

When you think of an American road trip,

you think of Monument Valley,

that road spearing off

into the distance.

Well, this is Europe's equivalent

of Monument Valley.

This might just be my favourite bit

of our trip so far.

The car, the place.

This is perfect.

When God was making

this part of the world,

it was for hot hatchbacks.

That's what it's for.

Unfortunately, however,

our headlong charge down the Alps

was halted because we ran out of land.

- Mmm, that.

- What?

Well, it's Monte-Carlo.

If we drive into there

in a Volkswagen and a Ford,

they'll arrest us for vagrancy.

That's a good point.

- I mean, you can be an arms dealer...

- Yeah.

...but you can't drive around

in a Fiesta.

- There's a limit.

- We're going to need to switch.

For posing,

these were the cars we selected.

A Lamborghini Aventador Roadster

for Hammond

and a Bugatti Veyron for me.

Now, this is no ordinary Veyron,

this is the Grand Sport Vitesse.

Eight-litre, quad-cam W16.

Top speed 251 miles an hour

with no roof.

Here it is in its natural habitat.

I'm in second gear.

I'm now using second gear

for, well, the first time

since I set off.

And back down to first.

It is extraordinary that here men get up

from their bachelor pads at about 10:00,

get into their cars that they bought

using money they should have paid in tax

and then spend all day

driving round and round

and round in circles.

Why?

People see me in my orange

Lamborghini Aventador Roadster

and think, "Yes.

There's a man of potency and wealth. "

And then two seconds later,

they see that Bugatti Veyron

and think, "There's a richer,

more powerful man. "

I'm sorry about this, mate,

but once again,

you're in the wrong car.

I take issue with the "once again"

but, yes, for the first time,

I've got the wrong car.

Nobody is looking at you,

nobody.

If I had spent?290,000

on a Lamborghini to drive around Monaco

and you turned up in that,

I'd just drive this into a wall.

This is the snobbiest place on earth.

It makes...

It makes Los Angeles

look like North Korea.

And this snobbery is an issue

when you try to

get your car valet parked.

The problem is that chap has just

turned up outside the Hotel de Paris

in a Ferrari California.

The cheapest Ferrari there is.

Nevertheless, he likes it very much.

Yeah, and it's nice.

And as a result, it's there.

- Okay? 'Cause it looks good.

- Yeah.

But in a minute,

a Kazakhstani arms dealer

is going to arrive in a nicer car

and the Ferrari

is going to be taken away

and put in a multi-storey

on the other side of Monaco.

But we pull up there

in a Bugatti Veyron and

a Lamborghini Aventador Roadster,

are you're saying something better

is going to come along than that?

In Monte-Carlo, I promise you,

someone would turn up

in the USS Enterprise

and our cars would be

in the multi-storey.

It doesn't matter how good your car is,

the valet parkers will ultimately

take it away

because something better always arrives.

There's got to be a way around this.

This is the perfect motoring trip.

So we go and check in there, in a car,

- on our perfect road trip...

- Yeah.

...we come out in the morning,

it's still there.

That's our challenge.

It's going to have to be pretty special.

Oh, yeah.

Hammond, however, opted to go

with one of the best-selling cars

the world has ever seen.

A Model T Ford.

And straightaway there was a problem.

We didn't know how it worked.

Right, now, look.

Let's list the things.

There are... There's three pedals.

How do you... Where's the gear?

Is this the gear? That's...

Oh, if it's...

I haven't got my foot on the clutch.

- That isn't the clutch.

- Well, then...

Which one's the accelerator?

That's the accelerator.

It isn't a pedal, I'm sure...

How am I going to get my foot up there?

- Um... What's that do?

- Right, well, start it.

That's not the starter!

Eventually,

Hammond did make it begin.

But then we learned

he didn't know how to make it stop.

Oh, now what have I done?

We're going faster!

That's not the handbrake.

Stop it. Stop it.

Stop it now!

Right, forwards.

- Hang on. Now, ready.

- Forwards.

- That's not forwards.

- No, it's not at all, is it?

Stop it. Make it stop.

It doesn't really want to, do you know?

Make it stop!

Uh, Jeremy, we've held up Monaco.

- Have we?

- Look.

Oh, God.

Soon, however,

we were nearing our destination.

It's not often I say this, Hammond,

but you have been a genius.

You have never said that.

Because if we can't drive this,

what chance do the valet parkers

at the Hotel de Paris have?

None, it's the hardest thing

I've ever done.

They'll want to move this

but they won't be able to.

- Bonjour, monsieur.

- Hello, sir.

Shut it down.

All yours.

- Bonjour.

- Bonjour.

Bonjour.

So, would the valet staff

be successful?

No.

So, there we go.

That is how to beat the valet parkers.

Buy a car they can't drive.

Yes, but the problem is

today we are going

down the French Riviera to Saint-Tropez

and I'm not sure

I want to go in that.

I'm not sure

I'd actually go anywhere in It.

This is a Jaguar E-Type.

It's a 1962 Series 1 Roadster

with the proper 3.8-litre straight six.

And it's not just any 1962 E-Type.

It's mine.

And I can think of no car

more perfect for a day like today.

Oh, I can.

Because I am in a V8 F-Type.

This is faster than Hammond's E-Type.

It's more comfortable,

more economical, more reliable,

more air-conditioned

And even though it costs?86,000,

it's cheaper.

Wake up, Frenchies.

Oh, that's a racket.

Can you hear the exhausts

from back there?

They can hear them back in Venice.

Never has a car been more

perfectly tailored to its environment

than this is here.

This is where the jetset was invented.

We are in Jag country, I can feel it.

Not a restaurant bill will have been

paid around here for decades.

Just Jaguar tyre marks

where they've screeched away.

"I'm sorry.

I'll pop off and get my wallet. "

There used to be

a TV series in the '70s

called The Persuaders!

with Roger Moore and Tony Curtis.

And I'm hearing that music now.

Roger Moore, Tony Curtis,

whizzing about down here

in a Ferrari Dino

and an Aston Martin DBS,

solving many things,

punching men and saving womens.

I was enjoying it too.

Until...

Hammond, the Picasso museum's

along here.

We could stop and have a look.

Really? I'm in a Jaguar,

my E-Type, in the south of France,

and you want me stop driving

to look at a man

whose ears are in the wrong place?

No, that was Van Gogh.

Picasso's the one who puts eyes

on the wrong side of somebody's head.

Come on, it's a road trip.

Let's look at some pictures.

Did you not hear

what you just said?

"It's a road trip.

Let's look at some pictures. "

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