Top Gear: The Perfect Road Trip Page #5

No!

Oh, why are you so uncultured?

In Juan-les-Pins,

where all the girls have

carefully designed topless swimsuits

and racehorses they keep just for fun,

for a laugh, a-ha-ha.

we pulled over

so Hammond could look at some food.

- What now?

- I don't like octopus.

What's the matter with it?

- Well...

- Do you want my truffles

on an omelette?

Don't like truffles.

You are ruining this trip for me.

- Go on.

- Every time we stop for food,

- you make me eat octopus...

- It's nice!

...or crab's eyes or snail's legs.

And then every time we get going again,

you make us stop again

to Look at a pile of bricks

and then that balcony from a story.

It's a road trip.

We're supposed to be seeing...

Look what I've brought you to.

On the road.

I've brought you

to one of my favourite restaurants.

- A table for two by the waterside...

- It's not...

Eat it.

- Not an eating trip, is it?

- Eat it.

- Eat the octopus.

- It moved.

It didn't.

It's only one of its legs.

I...

Would you like to stop

at a service station

and get some crisps?

After lunch, we went

for a stroll along the seafront

to look at the sights.

But because this is a family show,

we can't show you

what those sights were.

Eventually, though,

our ice creams melted completely

so we set off.

You know we were talking

about the perfect road trip?

How wrong would the Lamborghini

and Bugatti have been here?

Or the Ford Fiesta.

Yeah.

The problem is that

when we arrived in Saint-Raphael,

the traffic was predictable.

And so was the E-Type.

Hammond's car is sounding poorly.

Oh, God.

Will it be able to do

the traffic jam into Saint-Tropez?

Um...

I'm honestly... I'm really...

I am worried about her,

actually, I really am.

Are you?

Oh, God, that doesn't sound right.

The sound of Britain

in the '60s.

Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding...

"Made in the Midlands with pride.

"Ah, we've really put this together

very nicely, we have, very nice.

"Done a good job

with that E-Type, we have. "

Ow, dipstick's too hot,

can't touch that.

- Oh.

- Richard.

- What?

- I've bought you something

to cheer you up.

- Have you?

- It's a little present.

Is it?

It's a fishing net.

I know it's not the same as an E-Type

but now this doesn't work any more,

you can have that.

Thank you for my fishing net.

It's three Euros,

which is more than this is worth.

Now.

I then had an idea.

We'll have a race from here

to Saint-Tropez

but we'll stay the night, yes?

- A race.

- What...

No.

- Ditch these.

- Ditch the Jags.

You've got no choice.

What's that new hotel called?

Hotel de Paris.

- It's got a rooftop bar.

- Okay.

Last one there

has to wear an

"I love James May" T-shirt

tomorrow, all day.

That's quite a forfeit but, um...

Yeah.

I have had such a brilliant idea

that Clarkson has had it.

Because I am going to Saint-Tropez

on this.

The Ducati Diavel.

Dark.

Are you ready, Hammond?

- Yeah.

In three,

two, one...

Go!

All right.

I chose this bike

for a very good reason.

The engine, 1200cc V-twin,

taken from a Ducati sports bike,

the 1198.

And Ducati, trust me, know a thing

or two about making fast bikes.

162 brake horsepower, the UK edition.

Restricted in France to 100.

But you know what?

That's still going to be plenty

for what I want to do today.

Top speed about 170,

0-60 about two and a half,

you know, the same as a Bugatti Veyron.

Traffic, you see?

How's he going to get to even this?

He's never even going to

get out of town.

I Look cooL. It goes Like the clappers.

Clarkson's had it here.

There you go. See that? Clear!

Hello.

You join me on a Fairline Squadron 78.

That's 78 feet long.

The engines in this thing

are unbelievable,

32-litre, twin turbocharged V12s.

Here we go.

And you can drive it like this.

Or like that.

And because it's a boat

I could get to Saint- Tropez

across the bay.

Whereas Hammond had to go

all the way round it.

Sneaking through,

sneaking through, just.

Every car counts.

Any one of these could be Clarkson.

Where is he?

If I have been past him,

he would have been looking at

my bottom in leather, going,

"Oh, look, a man's bottom in leather. "

He's obsessed with it.

I don't know

what Richard Hammond is using,

but I'm guessing

it's a motorcycle of some sort.

So he'll be dressed

from head to foot in leather,

furious at the traffic,

with his bottom...

"Look at me, I'm on a motorbike.

"I'm straddling a throbbing machine!"

I'm not doing any of that.

Got the satnav down here to bring us

onto the bearing of Saint-Tropez.

I'm just going to take it up

a little bit more,

2,300 rpm a side.

Look at this. Look at this now!

Eat my diesel, Hammond!

I just want to come round

one of these corners

and see a McLaren 12C.

Or an SLS Black.

And he will be stuck.

And I will pass him.

And I will ask him, "Mmm, bikes.

"Still no good?"

Anyone fancy a drink in the crew?

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Excuse me.

Thanks very much.

Standing traffic. Standing traffic.

Come on, Clarkson, where are you?

As long as nobody opens their door

or suddenly turns left,

I can just keep

hacking through it like this.

Oh, there you go. That's the door open.

That's the one.

That's the fella. There's always one.

He's going to be in any one of these.

Any minute now I'm going to see him.

This has got to be him.

Ladies and gentlemen,

hello, Jeremy Clarkson.

No. That's not him.

With the Squadron at full chat

and Saint-Tropez very close indeed,

life on the boat was good.

Grunt!

This is more like it.

Getting a proper move on.

Having cleared the worst

of the Saint-Raphael traffic,

I was now on the open road

and closing fast.

Okay, there is, I'll be honest,

a tiny, tiny chance

he got through all of that traffic

and out of town

and then caned it along here

and I simply haven't caught him yet.

But I've got a good suspicion

when we get to Saint-Tropez,

there'll be more traffic

and that is where I'll find him.

I'm about to park my 78-foot boat

in Saint-Tropez harbour.

This is the only slow bit,

the wobbling about

in Saint-Tropez harbour.

'Cause they've got

some stupid speed limit.

Oh, good God, Look at this.

Traffic. That's a big jam.

Oh!

Squeezing through, coming through,

coming through.

As Hammond weaved his way

through the annual

Saint-Tropez traffic jam...

Oh, my God.

...I was still waiting

to be given a parking space.

Through, coming through, coming through.

Hotel de Paris, I thank you.

Mate!

How are you?

How...

God, you look sticky.

How the bloody hell?

I didn't see you.

I didn't see you once.

I saw a Ferrari F12,

I thought it was you.

Thing is

you've got a motorcycle licence.

- Yes.

- Well, now, I have

a boat Licence.

And what this means, of course,

is tomorrow,

while you'll be wearing a T-shirt

and that'll be cooler...

Ah, I forgot about that.

...it will say "I love James May" on it.

The next morning,

Hammond was in no hurry

to leave the hotel.

- Hammond.

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