Top Gear: The Perfect Road Trip Page #6

- What?

- Hammond, come out.

- No.

No, I'm a bit...

I haven't... I'm just packing my bag.

- It's quarter to 9:00.

- Yeah, I'm just packing my bag.

I'm packing.

Actually, no, I'm not very well.

There's nobody here.

- I'm poorly.

- Hammond!

Right. I'm coming out.

Ooh.

Now, look.

- This is bad.

- Yes.

But I'm afraid the news gets even worse.

It can't be any worse.

We've both chosen the same car.

Well, that's not so bad, is it?

- You mean there's only one?

- Yes.

So, Saint-Tropez,

convertible Bentley, two men.

Oh, we are looking...

Just realised.

Two men in a Bentley.

It isn't just the Bentley,

we ought to make that plain.

It's any convertible.

Put two men in a convertible car,

take the roof off

and instantly, questions are raised.

Still, at least in the car,

they couldn't see my T-shirt.

Until...

Why are you pulling over here?

I just want to have a look at something.

- What?

- Just stuff.

- What stuff?

- Just... I want to look at the boats.

What are you doing?

- It's a nice place.

- I don't want to stop.

- There's people...

- Just get out.

No.

- Yes.

No!

- Yes.

No, I'm going to hide.

I'm not getting out.

I'm getting in here.

I'm on my own.

Oh, God.

I'm just going to go for a walk

and leave him.

Make this end.

I Lost a bet.

Oh, God.

Jeremy, can we go now?

No.

Do any of these boats have propellers

and are any of them likely

to be running right now?

Paparazzi again.

There's quite a lot of paps here.

Yeah. So let's go.

There was, however,

a small problem.

Was it...

Is this where it was?

- Yes.

- Well, it's not, is it?

I tell you why it's not.

You can't park here, can you?

Can you park here?

Are you allowed to... What?

No, you can't park here or that's

a picture of a car being towed.

- Do you know, I genuinely...

- Has the car been towed away?

Well, yes.

Just you wait here

and I'LL go get it.

- Just relax.

- Yeah.

It's not far, actually,

I'll be back in an hour.

I'm sure somebody somewhere

at some time has been unhappier.

Please, please, please, please.

No, not funny. Not even halfway funny.

Open the damn door.

Jeremy, open the door.

How do you do that?

I'm getting in.

Now, at this point

you may be wondering

why both of us chose a Bentley.

Well, partly it's because we think

that these days, it looks good.

But mostly it's

because it's now available

with a brilliant lighter,

louder 4-litre V8.

Not that this was foremost

in Hammond's mind.

- Jeremy Clarkson.

- Yes.

Have you put my seat heater on full?

Yes, I have.

Oh, mate, that's...

- Yes! Result.

- Oh!

Just horrific.

- That's a result right there.

- Oh!

Then I got another result.

A clear, open road.

"It's got a bit of poke. "

- Whoa!

- Oh, that's how it should sound.

Do you know

what it feels like?

- An sportscar.

- It does.

Have you put my seat heater on?

Yes, I have.

I'm really sor...

It's a machine, this.

Hello, machine!

One of the reasons

why I like this car so much,

you know it isn't just a Bentley badge,

there's some properly difficult

engineering that's gone into this car.

Jeremy, have you put

my seat heater on again? You...

That's not... I...

Oh.

And if I lift myself up,

they can see my T-shirt better

and if I sit down, I cook. God!

So, clever engine,

clever four-wheel-drive system,

looks a lot better these days.

Great noise.

Great noise.

It's a great car.

The problem it has still

is that Rooney flavour.

The whiff of Wayne means

you do feel embarrassed

to turn up in it.

Hammond!

Stop putting my seat heater on.

Soon, despite the hot seats,

the hot car and the hot sun,

the atmosphere became frosty.

So we decided to split up.

And then I decided to look at a building

that had mostly fallen over.

Look at this.

Yes, look, there's a wild boar,

there we are.

This is a hunting scene.

Hammond, there's a hunting scene!

Hammond!

It's like there's a mausoleum

- and a sort of triumphal arch.

- Don't talk to me, I don't care.

I don't want to hear about it.

I don't want to know, I really don't!

I'm sick of it.

This is ridiculous.

I've eaten crab's eyes,

I've looked at a balcony from a story.

No, seriously, it's my turn.

It's my turn to decide what we do next.

And what we're doing next

is going rally driving.

- What, in a Maserati Quattroporte?

- No.

- And a Rolls-Royce Phantom?

- No.

I've had a good idea.

This is the circuit Sambre,

endless kilometres

of unrelenting French rally stage.

And a place The Stig knows well.

- What?

- Well,

this is The Stig's summer retreat, yeah?

He comes here every year and does that.

- And he says...

- What do you mean, he does that?

Well, in winter he goes ice racing.

Summer, he comes here.

Three weeks of that he does.

- What, non-stop?

- Yeah, gets in the car, three weeks,

and then three weeks later,

gets out, goes home.

That's his holiday.

Anyway, he says we could use it

to do our rally driving.

- It's too hot.

- Dah!

I have actually thought of that.

- You like a convertible, don't you?

- Yeah.

Why don't we rally-drive convertibles?

- It's too dusty.

- Now, do one thing for me,

we're going to go and get

some convertibles,

turn them into rally cars and do that!

I can't do rally driving.

- It's easy, just...

- I can't!

I can't drive on loose surfaces...

This is what I've got.

Nissan 350Z.

Three-and-a-half-litre V6,

276 brake horsepower, rear-wheel drive.

Now, you might be looking

at it, thinking, "Well,

"it doesn't look much like a rally car. "

But hold on,

this car is a direct descendant

of the Datsun 240Z,

a car that owned world rallying.

So this has got history.

It's going to be brilliant.

I've got a BMW.

No history of rallying at all,

it's one of the reasons I like it.

Well, come on, tell us about it,

what engine has it got?

Two-and-a-half-litre straight 6.

1000cc

less than the Nissan. Power?

192?

That's about 80 horsepower less.

Torque?

- That's about 80 torques less.

- Good!

- What do you mean, "good"?

- Good!

Jeremy, you're not really getting

into the competitive spirit of this.

I don't like driving without friction!

Open-top rally

is going to be the next big thing.

Let's go and convert these

into rally cars.

This meant finding a workshop

and cueing the music.

Got it.

Oh, yes.

God, I'm good.

That will make up

for the horsepower deficit

that I have on Richard's car.

This is August.

Now Mr April.

My roll-cage is complete.

The next day,

our cars were ready.

And so was the sky.

This is all just fantastic.

Suddenly, perfect rallying

weather is coming.

Bit of rain, mud, mist on the hills,

and my car is now perfect.

Haven't gone over the top

with the modifications.

New wheels, new tyres, roll-cage,

sponsorship stickers,

can't have real ones,

BBC objects, but we've made 'em up

to put you in the mood.

Inside, racing seat,

full harness, that's enough.

This is going to be amazing.

I just copied him.

And now he's going to drive about

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