Top Gear: The Perfect Road Trip Page #7

in his Datsun in the mud.

He was right I couldn't wait.

Oh, yes!

It's actually raining, I'm in a rally.

This is perfect!

After all the stupid food

and looking at rocks.

to come out and do something

genuinely exciting and real and...

I've come alive.

Oh, yes!

Hammond is out now in that.

The man is insane!

Bring it on, let's have more. Come on!

You call that rain?

Oh!

This is my favourite place

in the world now.

Ah!

I'm sorry, Hammond,

do try to explain it to me,

'cause I'm struggling to get it.

It's about the most fun

I've had in a very long time.

I can see why The Stig comes here.

- You're covered in mud.

- Yeah.

- There's a massive thunderstorm raging.

- Yeah, I know.

I know, even the weather's better here.

It's perfect.

What do you mean, it's better?

- Hammond, do I have to do this?

- Yep.

It's my thing today,

and this is what we're doing.

And so, to show

what a good sport I am,

I obliged.

Oh, God's truth!

Oh! That hurt.

So, discomfort...

Oh! That's just horrible!

Danger.

Misery, cold.

Slithering around at 21 miles an hour.

Oh, no! Bloody...

I've just had a brown shower.

That really was the final straw.

And then it turned out it wasn't.

So, we got the hang of it,

we now know the course, yeah?

Time for timed laps.

- What?

- Well, we do timed laps now,

that's what we do.

I reckon if we do 10 each

and then we can just work out

how consistent we are,

where we can just

shave those extra seconds out, yeah?

Tomorrow, you are going to eat

a badger's left teste.

And so, flying

in the face of common sense,

we got back out there.

Timed laps now, so it's really critical

to just be brave enough

to keep that power in.

What's the point

of timed laps?

He's got 80 more horsepower...

Oh!... more than I have.

He's better at it than I am.

And he's got

a limited-slip differential.

I haven't got one of those.

So, when I go round the corner,

one wheel spins and that's It.

Woo-hoo! God, it feels

good when you get it right.

Whoa!

Oh! Oh, my!

He will have been...

Oh, here he comes,

I can see his teeth from here.

Right, overtaking on a rally stage.

This is interesting.

Oh, he's coming through!

Oh, no! The hideous little Brummie

has torn past!

A- ha! Got you!

Oh, he's done it...

Oh, he's just made everything

much worse now, I can't see a thing.

Muddy goggles.

Every bone in his crotch,

that is what I'm going to break.

Oh!

Soon, the weather got so bad,

even Hammond couldn't

see where he was going.

Sh*t! Sh*t! Oh!

So, he suggested we stop

for one of his special rallying lunches.

Mmm. Okay, tuck in.

- Really?

- Mmm-hmm.

'Cause this part of France

is famous for its hotdogs.

It's got French mustard on it.

- Yeah...

- Wait a minute.

What?

You do know what's

in that sausage, don't you?

- Sausage.

- Pigs' toenails,

eyelashes...

Shut up and enjoy it. And, anyway, while

you enjoy it, I've got the timings here.

I'm around the 1:16, 1:13,

that kind of mark.

- Mmm-hmm.

- You're 1:
53, 1:46...

I've got soil in my ears!

135, 140... Basically, what this

is showing is that I am clearly

a lot better at this than you.

- I'll do you a deal.

- What?

We will do one more lap.

Do-or-die lap.

If I'm faster, we leave immediately.

- If you're faster than me?

- Yes.

All right, well, if I'm faster,

we carry on till dark.

- You'll do that?

- Mmm-hmm.

- Seriously?

- Mmm-hmm.

All right.

I went first.

And we're off.

Right, now, I don't want to just

beat him, I want to humiliate him.

Oh, yes! That was correct.

Oh!

That was a monstrous dump

from below there.

Nature is joining in with us now.

Oh, this is just epically good fun.

All right, Jeremy, I reckon if you get

within a minute of that,

I'll be staggered. Not a chance.

Filled with determination,

I lined up the BMW on the start line.

Right, I am going to win this

and then we can stop doing it.

That's... Oh! Hang on a minute.

Yes!

What do you think of that?

Sneaky beaky. Yes!

Yes!

The gods are on my side.

This is going to be one hell of a Lap!

We then met up to see how we'd done.

Richard Hammond, you did

it in one minute, 17.3.

- Not my fastest but not bad.

- Well, it was a standing start.

It was, yes, of course it was.

Yes, go on, them.

- Me, 28 seconds...

- Yes?

One minute what?

28 seconds.

How did you find a minute in the...

- I mean...

- Ultimate driving machine.

And a BMW Z4.

Really?

I left immediately.

And set off on the 350-mile drive to Pau

in a V12 Aston Martin.

Hammond, meanwhile,

was in a Volkswagen Beetle

and moaning, as usual.

His cheating is getting out of control.

There's no point doing anything

if he's just going to borrow The Stig

or cut a corner, which I can only

imagine is what he did in that instance.

It must have been one hell

of a corner, he can't even cheat well!

I admit my shortcut was a bit short.

And the time was a bit implausible.

But look,

the weather is improving and now

I'm in an Aston Martin Vanquish.

This is a truly magnificent car.

Best Aston yet by a long way.

It's a blend of the hardcore DBS

and the slightly softer Virage.

It's just tremendous.

And now I shall hand you

over to Richard Hammond,

who shall try to explain

why the Porsche 911

that he's driving

is in some way different

to all the Porsche 911s

that have gone before.

How can he go on about 911s

all being the same?

Let me talk you through

the Aston Martin range.

Vantage V8, V12 Vantage,

DB9, DBS, Virage, that.

they're all exactly the same.

Aston Martin came up with the design.

thought, "Oh, that looks pretty.

"Let's call it lots of different things

and then more people will buy it. "

It's just another one.

C2, C2S, C4, C4S,

GT2, GT3, Turbo, 997, 996, 993...

The new 911 is called the 991,

it's longer and wider

than the previous 911.

It's got a new engine, new gear box,

new interior and new steering.

This is the critical point,

for the first time,

the steering is electric

rather than purely hydraulic.

Just as I was getting into the groove,

Jeremy pulled off again.

What now?

Well, I thought it would be a good idea,

since we're at Pau tomorrow,

to reacquaint ourselves with the concept

of driving while under

the influence of friction.

I don't like friction.

Pau, mate. It's Pau.

They've been racing there since 1901.

Fangio has raced there,

Jim Clark, Jackie Stewart.

This is a big deal.

This is... It's Bethlehem

for any motoring enthusiast.

So, what's it got to do with that?

We've got to get match fit.

And then when we get to Pau tomorrow...

- We'll be worthy of it.

- Mmm-hmm.

Straightaway,

I was very happy.

No wet track, no mud,

no rain, no diphtheria.

This is one

tight and twisty little track.

Right, now, let's turn the Aston

from a road car into something

more track-based.

We'll push this button here,

that firms up the suspension.

and then push this one, S,

I think it stands for "silly".

'Cause when you push it... Ready?

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