Top Gear: The Perfect Road Trip 2 Page #9

---

Could you take a different route

to the hotel?

No. I'm driving alongside

you deliberately

so people know we're together.

I'm his mate. I'm with him.

This car sits in Rome

like a candle sits on a birthday cake.

The Corvette sits in Rome

like a turd sits on a birthday cake.

The next day Hammond insisted

we change cars.

So, as we had to drive to the

Amalfi Coast on a variety of roads,

we switched to two cars that

can do a variety of things.

The Mercedes AMG A-Class

and the VW Golf R.

Both have two-litre,

turbo-charged engines,

German built quality,

and four-wheel drive.

These are just about

the hottest, hot hatches

ever made.

HAMMOND:
Oh, this feels better.

I am blending,

I am in Rome,

doing as the Romans are doing,

which is a good thing.

I can see why you needed to switch

to a grey hatchback, but why did I

need to switch?

Well, you like a fast Golf.

The Alfa was fine, where is it?

I've given the Alfa back to the man

from Alfa Romeo.

So, I'm never seeing it again?

HAMMOND:
Oh, God.

Are you going to pine for it?

What if somebody else drives it

and isn't kind to it?

What if somebody else drives it

and it really enjoys it?

No... No...

Stop saying these things.

They met in Rome.

He was a big ugly man.

She was a small slip of an Alfa Romeo.

And despite all odds,

they got together,

and they got on.

And then one day she was gone,

and the big ape was sad.

(SNIFFLES)

I liked the 4C...

HAMMOND:
WithJeremy

still pining for his Alfa,

we left Rome for the 150-mile

drive south

to the Amalfi Coast.

This is Mercedes' first ever hot hatch,

and they just looked at hot hatches

and thought, "All right,

(IN GERMAN ACCENT) it needs to be

powerful and fast and discreet

"and stylish, quietly."

And then they just made it

the ultimate hot hatch.

(IN GERMAN ACCENT)

"There you go, we've done it."

355 brake horsepower from a modest

two-litre capacity,

turbo-charged engine,

four-wheel drive, seven speed

double clutch gearbox,

0 to 60 in 4.3 seconds,

top speed limited to 168.

(IN GERMAN ACCENT) That is it.

We have won ze game.

CLARKSON:
But the Mercedes

costs nearly 38,000,

7,000 more than the Golf.

So, is it really that much faster?

Three, two, one, go.

No. Would you just look at that?

That is just romping away.

Yeah, this is faster.

But this is 297 brake horsepower.

That's a lot from a two-litre car.

Where the hell

have they got 355 from in yours?

355 brake from a two-litre!

For a hatchback,

that is ludicrously fast.

Mindful of the premature end

to last year's road trip,

we settle down into a gentle cruise.

Oh, God, don't let him see the volcano

or we'll end up spending

the rest of the day

gawping at rocks and things.

- CLARKSON OVER RADIO: Hammond?

- Oh.

Is that Vesuvius over there?

HAMMOND OVER RADIO:

Ah, no. No, it's not.

Yes, it is, and that means

we're very close to Pompeii.

Please don't make me spend

the afternoon standing about

gawping at rocks.

You made me drive a kit car,

I'm making you go to Pompeii.

HAMMOND:
Happily, however,

Pompeii was a bit touristy.

Hammond, I may have

cocked up a bit here.

HAMMOND OVER RADIO:

Oh, great idea this is.

HAMMOND:
Which meant

our sight-seeing was impossible.

Thank you for watching.

WOMAN:
I love you so much.

MAN:
Andrew, give me your hand.

I'm not Andrew.

Thanks for watching the show.

They think I'm called Andrew.

HAMMOND:
Which meant that Andrew and I

were soon back on our way to Sorrento.

However, the producers

then made us pull over

to do promotional activity,

at the worst location ever.

- Why didn't you read the small print?

- Why didn't you read it?

Ladies and gentlemen, propelled

in front of the camera

by the small print in their contracts...

'Cause the BBC's lawyers are better

than our lawyers,

we're here to tell you

about our new D...

- V-D...

- Our brand new Top Gear DVD is called

Top... What is it called?

Our brand new Top Gear DVD is called

"The Perfect Road Trip 2."

And here are just some of the things...

Wait, that's too much, isn't it?

Just in case you were wondering...

(LAUGHING)

Just in case you... (LAUGHING)

- Yeah, wow.

- This year for our all new Top Gear DVD,

we've been working hard

to put right all the things

that went wrong...

- Band started.

- Band started.

Kill me.

- The band is... Oh... Cannon...

- Cannon.

(CANNON EXPLODING)

Oh, that's got it, that's shifted it.

- Best location ever, I think this.

- Superb.

Hello, BBC Shop!

- Coming up now...

- Just one shop?

- What?

- Just one shop?

Hello, The Mirror, coming up...

Hello, Sun Motors, and coming up...

Hello, Blinkbox, I have literally no

idea who you are, but coming up...

- Hello, Nile, coming up now...

- It's Amazon.

Hello, iTunes, coming up now,

some exclusive action

from our brand new Top Gear DVD.

"The Perfect Road Trip 2."

- Bang!

- I'm ready to pull now.

(CANNONS EXPLODING)

It's explosive!

(LAUGHING)

- Cut.

- CLARKSON:
That is the worst ever.

- Bang.

- (EXPLODING)

CLARKSON:
With the contractual

obligations fulfilled,

we settled down to talk about cars.

P1.

It is the best.

- Yes.

- No, it is. I mean, it just is.

Now look, I'm not admitting to anything

about it being quicker or slower

than 918, but...

Yeah, I was dazzled, I'm amazed.

It feels unlike anything else.

The big surprise, uh, the Corvette

Stingray, which I know

you secretly like.

No, I don't secretly like it.

- I publicly like the Corvette.

- Yes.

Now, the Corvette's a good car, but...

- Come on, man.

- No, I mean, I'm...

Here we go...

The car I would take away from this

and own happily and live

in a cottage in Devon and rear geese is

- the Alfa 4C.

- Maybe walk through a park

kicking through autumn leaves with it.

I can't find the words to describe

how much I like that car.

Somewhere out there beyond the volcano,

the 4C is roaming free...

- In the hands of another man.

- May I help you, sir?

Yes, could I have, uh...

Yeah, rag, please.

- Why is it rag? You always have that.

- Rag...

In England, we call it

spaghetti Bolognese.

You've had that every day.

I know.

And that is... What, it's the same.

It's like tomatoes and meat, and...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd eat it and go,

"This is a spaghetti Bolognese."

So, you've been having

spaghetti Bolognese, essentially,

every day single day of this trip.

I said, I've had a rag.

You said, "Ugh, that sounds disgusting."

But why don't they call it

spaghetti Bolognese?

- Because it's called rag.

- Why call it a rag?

- Why'd you call it...

- A rag is

a spaghetti Bolognese, yes?

- The... The same.

- (SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Why didn't... Why don't you say

spaghetti Bolognese?

Because you had a spaghetti Bolognese.

That's sausage.

- It's horrible.

- It isn't horrible.

CLARKSON:
The next morning,

we were faced with an exquisite

10-mile drive along the coast

towards Capri.

And neither of us could think

of a single modern car

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes