Topsy-Turvy Page #3

---

- Hello? | - Good morning, Barker.

This is Barker speaking!

- Good morning, Mr Gilbert.

How are we today, Barker?

Are we popular, or are we mad?

Er... We are popular!

Very good. Carry on.

Here is your message for today!

U, U, plus ten shillings and sixpence!

- Can you repeat that, please?! | - Yes.

U... U!

So that's U for udder...

...U for udder, | plus ten shillings and sixpence.

So you have two udders, Barker!

- Er... yes. | - I always suspected as much!

- Thank you. | - Thank you!

- Goodbye! | - Goodbye, Mr Gilbert!

I'm going to hang up the telephone now!

In... Indeed you are, sir.

Well, I'm, er... going out to seek | a little Italian hokey-pokey...

...and I care not who knows it. | - Thank you, Barker.

I shall not return with any for you, sir, | because it would melt.

Au revoir.

I owe you an apology, Kitty. | I fear you weren't exaggerating after all.

Apology accepted. Thank you, Willie.

Schwenck speaks to the Savoy | every morning in code, Father-in-law...

...just in case the telephone operator | should be eavesdropping.

One might as well open the window | and shout down the street.

- That will be more comfortable for you. | - Sheer waste of time.

It will only result in the further erosion | of the written word.

Would you care to sit down now?

Er... er... thank you.

- Ah, there you are, Pidgeon. | - Ma'am.

I do apologise, sir, | that neither I nor Schwenck was here...

...to welcome you | on your arrival last night.

I do not appreciate being left | upon the doorstep like a hawker.

If you'll only press the electric bell, | Father, you'll be admitted at once.

- Is that not so, Pidgeon? | - Indeed it is, sir.

I have no intention | of placing my life in danger, sir!

How many doorstep deaths | have we had thus far, Pidgeon?

Er, none to my certain knowledge, sir.

There you are, Father. | The odds appear to be in your favour.

- Anything else, sir? | - No, thank you.

Would you tell Mrs Judd | Dr Gilbert will join us for lunch?

Certainly, ma'am.

You know, Father-in-law, | that you are most welcome in our home...

...at any time.

But, please, do try to inform us | of your intention to visit.

A father should not have | to seek permission...

...to visit his own son!

The son shouldn't be expected | to be clairvoyant!

Who does he think I am? Harlequin?

Would you excuse me?

I take it that you will be joining | us for lunch, Father-in-law?

I-I have no idea where | I shall be taking luncheon...

...thank you.

Well, perhaps Schwenck | can persuade you.

Take lunch with us, Father.

We shall enjoy your company.

Am I to understand, sir...

...that you have been | in communication with your mother?

No, Father, not for some | considerable time, I'm glad to say.

You are a liar, sir.

No, sir!

I can assure you, Papa, | that the last person...

...with whom I wish | to have any communication...

...is your estranged wife!

The vicious woman who bore me | into this ridiculous world!

How dare you, sir! Have you no respect?

Don't misunderstand me, Father.

Nobody respects her more than I do, | and I can't stand her.

She is a veritable gorgon!

She is indeed! | And she has chosen her own path.

And in so doing, she has turned | her back on yourself and myself.

And for that small mercy, | we should both of us be eternally grateful.

Those terrors...

...that visit me in the night.

They can never be vanquished.

Ah! Insomnia. I suffer from it myself.

But it is she who sends them.

I know it is she!

I know not what heathen oracle | she consults...

...what filthy familiar she employs.

I know that... they will come.

Wh... Wh... What are these walls?

5,000?

The last ten shares. Worth every penny.

Trust me, Arthur.

I do, D'Oyly.

- What's this? | - Pull it.

It's a reservoir pen. It contains its own ink.

Good gracious me! | Whatever will they think of next?

Try it.

Now, how long is all this going to take?

Two years.

I shall begin the foundations next month.

Thank you.

To the Savoy Hotel.

The Savoy Hotel.

With its 70 bathrooms.

The builder was much bemused.

"What's the point of 'aving a bathroom | to every bedroom?"

"Who's gonna be staying there? | Amphibians?"

D'Oyly, I can't tell you how delightful | it is to see you here in Paris.

- You're looking much better. | - A new man!

Monte Carlo was most profitable.

Florence was hideously hot. | I sampled the chartreuse at Certosa.

The monks were uncommonly charming.

The train journey through | the St Gotthard Pass is spectacular.

You must go. And Lucerne...

Tranquillity itself.

I walked until I dropped.

Did you receive my letter?

Yes, I did.

Good.

And?

It came to Brussels.

I "sent" it to Brussels, Arthur.

Yes, of course.

Nous sommes prts.

Vouz avez tu ce pigeon vous-mme?

Je laisse au bourreau le soin de le faire.

C'est mieux comme a.

So, what is your position?

Much the same, I'm afraid.

I fully realise, D'Oyly, | that you have me under contract.

But I cannot write | any more operas for the Savoy.

At least, not of that particular character.

I think you should tell Gilbert.

I shall. The moment I return.

Messieurs...

... je vous souhaite bon apptit.

- Merci.

# The reason is not far to find

# When we are near

# For though they say that love is blind

# Ah, never fear

# Ah, ah, ah

# We see our destinies entwined

# In noonday clear

# And love is over all

# When shadows fall

# And thou art

# Here

- Il est bien, Clothilde. | - "Oui, madame." You are a tonic for him.

"Merci." Cherish him.

Of course, "madame".

Oh! Mrs Ronalds. | What an unexpected pleasure.

- Mr Gilbert, how are you? | - How are you?

- Quite well. | - I'm so pleased.

- He's in excellent spirits. | - I look forward to his tales.

- Good day. | - Good day to you.

- Madame.

- a va, monsieur?

- It is hot, no? | - Yes.

- He awaits. | - Thank you.

How was your crossing, Sullivan?

Mercifully smooth, thank you.

As smooth as D'Oyly Carte?

No, not quite, Gilbert!

- Lump sugar? | - Thank you, no.

Oh, please do. I found it in Lucerne. | It's delicious.

If you insist.

- Mmm! Very good. | - Good.

- Is Lucy well? | - Oh, she's in fine fettle.

She sends you her love | and trusts you are in good health.

Thank you. Please reciprocate.

Oh, of course.

Now, what's this Carte's been telling me?

Oh, dear.

- You can't be serious. | - I'm afraid I am.

So you've torn up our contract into tiny | pieces and cast it to the four winds?

- Don't be absurd! | - That would be the implication.

I hardly think so.

What else is one to deduce?

Oh, Gilbert.

There's so much that I have | yet to do for music...

...for my queen, for my country.

Even if God were to grant me two days | for every one I have left on this earth...

...I still should not be able | to achieve everything.

Come, come, Sullivan, you're a genius.

I merely bask in your reflected glory.

Oh, Gilbert, please.

But I'm somewhat at a loss. What is | the precise nature of your dilemma?

Rate this script:2.0 / 2 votes