Tour de Pharmacy Page #2

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Real Africans didn't like

that song, "Africa."

That's why he was lying.

You ever seen the dudes

in the band Toto?

Those dudes shouldn't

be singing about Africa.

Hamm:
There's an "honor among thieves"

code in cycling,

and openly discussing the use

of performance-enhancing drugs

is certainly off-limits.

But we found

one former cyclist

who was bold enough

to speak frankly

under the guise

of anonymity.

I'm standing here with the

legendary Gustav Ditters.

You look like you're

going to be carrying

a few extra pounds

on the bike this year.

Yes. This is what happens

when you train super hard,

on the bicycle.

Honeycut:
Well,

it is quite impressive.

Looks almost like you

could play a real sport.

Ditters:

Everyone was cheating.

Everyone...

except for me.

Honeycut:

I'm gonna have to work

extra hard to keep up

with you out there.

That's right,

you heard it.

This year, I'll be on the bike,

riding alongside the riders,

conducting my interviews

during the race,

that is if I don't

pass out immediately.

What do you think about that, Gustav?

F***ing hell, mate.

Hamm:
The 1982 Tour de France

was the most eccentric bike race

in the history of cycling,

in large part due to the fact

that virtually every rider

in the race was doping,

nearly all 170 of them.

The reason every rider was on drugs in the

'82 race

has to do with the

fact that credit cards

were introduced to

Finland the year before.

KultaBank issued the first

Finnish charge card,

and they announced it with

a bizarre commercial.

Yeah, it's

a confusing commercial

for a dozen reasons

at least.

First of all, why is going down

on his wife payment for this guy?

And what's he paying for?

Spilling the milk?

We saw him spill the milk, so why is she

drinking milk in the very next scene?

You'll notice the woman

doesn't climax,

which means the debt

has not been fully repaid,

and likely never will.

Right, guys?

Sorry, I just noticed

the crew is mostly women.

I'm not good at oral sex.

Hamm:
The disciplinary cunnilingus

shown in the commercials

certainly did not do its job explaining

credit cards to the people of Finland.

and this included

the former president

of the UCI,

Ditmer Klerken.

Well, the UCI

was in charge

of testing all the

riders for doping,

and the guy in charge of that had

a serious credit card problem.

I would see something,

like a cool car

a cool horse,

or something like this,

and... and I would hand them

this magic piece of plastic

and they would give me

the cool thing.

After three months,

Ditmer owed

nearly $16 million U.S.

to KultaBank.

Because he was

in this huge debt,

Ditmer sent every rider

a note saying

if they paid him $50,000,

they wouldn't

get drug-tested that year.

Ditmer:
"Hey,

if you don't want to be drug tested,

"make a check out

to Ditmer Klerken

"in the amount

of $50,000 U.S.

"and you won't be.

Thanks you guys, Ditmer.

"PS, if you tell

anyone about this,

I'll f***ing kill you!"

Silly.

Wright:

And here we go!

The 1982 Tour de France

has officially begun!

Guys came out flying on bikes!

Man, I wanted to be on a bike so bad.

Hamm:
Day one,

207 kilometers from Basel to Mohlin,

up and over some of the most

breathtaking hillscapes in the world.

a serene landscape that

was completely juxtaposed

to the ugliness

that was about to ensue.

Wright:
The riders still

holding tight in the peloton.

JuJu Peppi not surprisingly

at the front of the pack.

And it looks like we've got

a beautiful fan up ahead!

Hey, hey, bella senora!

Wright:
And JuJu went in for the

grope and is losing balance!

Can he stay up?

Oh no! Oh no!

JuJu's lost his balance!

He's fallen over!

It's a terrible crash!

Yay!

Wright:

People are beginning to stand,

which is a good sign.

Is-a not my fault!

I lose-a sight of the road!

Man:
Hey, JuJu!

People:

Whoa!

Hamm:

Jabin Dolchey was known for two things:

Fighting and his outfits

that he claimed to be made

from a high-tech breathable

material he called Spanlon.

Jabin Dolchey!

Speed the competition!

He was an odd bird,

and he seemed proud

of what everyone could see

was a very tiny,

misshaped penis.

Hamm:
Jabin's punch kicked off the

most massive scuffle in Tour history.

Honeycut:

Well, this is just awful.

These men are literally trying

to tear one another apart.

Cyclists are

incredible athletes

as far as

endurance goes,

but a great deal of

'em fight like little b*tches.

Tyson:
They had a dance party,

and people said it was a fight.

As a boxer,

it was offensive to me.

And as is with every

accident near Switzerland,

a Saint Bernard is

the first responder.

It's really peaty.

They tried to

hurt each other,

but I am a...

a peaceful person.

I don't do things

like that.

Please!

No! No! I beg you!

No! No! Please! I'm naked!

Please put me down!

Everything I did that day,

I did in self-defense.

Hamm:

French authorities finally arrived

and put the kibosh

on the fracas.

The first day

was canceled,

but with no major injuries,

the race was expected

to resume the following day,

were it not

for a forsaken water bottle.

Ah!

Ooh!

Woo!

If you take too strong

a dose of amphetamines,

they can act

as a super powerful aphrodisiac.

No, no, no.

Oui.

No!

No! No!

No.

No.

When I took a large

dose of amphetamines,

I ended up

having sex with a...

Oh, we have to try every drug

on our banned list,

so we know what

we're dealing with.

I actually paint what

the experiences are like,

so I can remember

the effects of each drug.

Would you like to see them?

So, this is what I painted

while I was on amphetamines.

It's kind of what I felt like

when I did the drug.

Yeah.

This is when

I did crack cocaine,

so you can see how similar

the two drugs are.

Oh, this is from

when I did meth.

So, you can see that meth is a very

different drug than the other two.

Yeah.

And all of these

are for sale.

Hamm:

In an attempt to quell the media frenzy,

the water bottle created,

Ditmer Klerken held

a press conference.

Ditmer, Ditmer.

There are reports that you asked every rider

for $50,000 if they did not want

to be drug tested.

Is... is that true?

Yeah, that's true.

I mean, no. F***! No. I mean...

no, I mean it's not... not true.

Ah f***! Ah.

Now you guys are never

going to believe me

because I said

it was true right away.

But no, no, no, that's...

that's not true.

But does anybody know

if you admit to something

like taking bribes

and you give all the money back,

for instance,

does that mean that

you could keep your job?

Ah! What a crazy

hypothetical question.

Where do I even come up

with this stuff?

And nobody ask me

if I'm cheating on my wife,

because I am.

Ah! I'm kidding.

No, no. Sh*t!

Hamm:
And one by one,

nearly every participant

in the race was disqualified

for sending the bribe money.

Of the 170 riders entered,

only five did not send checks.

With only

five riders left,

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