Tour de Pharmacy Page #3

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it seemed the Tour

would be canceled.

I didn't pay Ditmer.

What I to do?

But if-a they end the race,

then I am punished for what?

Why punish me?

Look at me.

You put a little coke-a

in your nose, take a sh*t,

have great sex,

wake up-a the next day,

and you are

like a... champion.

No, I would never do that.

Are you crazy?

In an unprecedented decision,

the UCI has decided to allow

the Tour de France

to continue

with only the five

remaining cyclists,

the final five,

which I am dubbing The Fab 5.

You heard it here first,

ladies and gentlemen,

these five riders will forever

be known as The Fab 5.

Hamm:
Not to be confused

with the Fab Five,

the Michigan basketball team who

ultimately became much more famous.

Who's that?

That's Chris Webber.

Man:
What?

Man 2:
From the wrong Fab Five.

Man:
Well, f***. Who... why did...

why did you bring him here?

Man 2:
I don't know.

Somebody f***ed up.

Man:

What are we supposed to do with this guy?

Man 2:
Just wait till he goes to

the bathroom, then we all leave.

Wright:

Here we are, Stage 2,

Tour de France!

It's a 250 kilometer ride

through flat plains

from Basel to Nancy.

Here we are,

Tour de France, day two,

and I'm riding

right alongside the riders,

getting the scoop straight from

the horse's mouth, so to speak.

And to no one's surprise,

it's JuJu in the lead.

I was really impressed,

what a great rider Rex was.

I mean, he was right there

in the front of the pack

most of the time

with that microphone.

He was riding with the greatest

cyclists in the world.

Well, it's only day two.

Don't kill yourself.

Got another

three weeks to go.

I'm-a no kill myself.

I'm-a never die,

not on a bicycle.

That is a sure thing.

Hamm:

And JuJu didn't die that day,

but he did eventually,

as you know,

because we showed it

to you at the beginning.

But that day, he lived

and won the yellow jersey,

then celebrated that night

with a well-earned massage.

Each night,

the depleted muscles

must be softened in readiness

for the torture ahead.

The riders' bulging,

shaved quadriceps

and smooth,

taut hamstrings

require deep tissue massage

with the finest oils available

and strong fingers.

All that built up lactic acid

can finally be ejaculated.

After that, I passed out,

but not before,

I remember, making

everybody promise

to take turns

riding up front

so the rest of us

could draft.

You gotta take it down a notch out there,

JuJu. You're going too hard.

Marty's right.

It's just the five of us.

Yeah, we gotta

work together,

and all start drafting

for each other.

One of the most important

elements of cycling is drafting,

and that's when the cyclists take turns

breaking the wind at the front of the pack.

It's much harder

on the rider in the front,

but everyone behind him

expends way less energy.

Robinson:
What the f***, dude?

We said we were gonna take turns in the lead.

Yeah, well,

it's not my turn.

Robinson:
Well,

it's not my turn either.

JuJu, you take the lead.

I'm like, "Dudes,

what happened to the plan?"

You know, nobody wanted

to do the work.

Everybody's just slowing down.

You know, there's

an old saying in Nigeria:

Is there no honor

amongst blood diamond thieves?

I think that applied

in this case.

No one would ride in front,

so...

so we were all competing

to be in the back.

Hamm:
Over the next

seven days,

the riders crawled

across France,

each unwilling

to take the lead.

Suffice it to say,

during this section,

the race was boring.

Wright:

Here we are, stage nine,

the monotony continues.

Wright:

Now being passed by an old lady.

Slim, you've done an amazing job,

riding slowest today.

How are you holding up

at this pace?

You know, Rex, riding like this has given

me a chance to really stop and look around.

Yeah, I mean,

look where we are.

It's beautiful out here.

Right. Sure.

Yeah, so,

what's next for you?

Whoa, whoa,

whoa, hold up, Rex.

Hold up.

Hold up. Hold up.

Hey.

That's where

I met Fabienne.

Oh.

Yeah, excuse me

for one moment.

I gotta see about

something over here.

Right.

That's Slim Robinson,

taking a moment

to really enjoy life.

I totally understand

what Slim did.

Sometimes you just

need a time-out.

Hamm:

But the slow riding suddenly came to an end

when a rowdy fan

awoke a sleeping giant.

What the f***

did you say to me?

Today a man tell Gustav

I cannot ride fast,

but I can ride very fast.

I will now field questions.

Woman:
Gustav!

Gustav, my question is,

can you ride fast?

F*** you! Next question.

Yeah, hi.

Can you ride fast?

F*** you!

Tomorrow I will ride incredibly fast

and prove all of you wrong!

The race starts now!

Wright:
And Gustav Ditters

making good on his promise.

Wright:

The race starts now.

He is absolutely tearing up the

Pyrenees like a man possessed.

Even taking into account

the past 10 days' rest,

this performance

is off the charts!

I do not know

what has got into this guy.

Hamm:
No one knew what had gotten

into Gustav Ditters that day,

but many suspected

something had, literally.

Setting records is standard

protocol for the Tour de France,

but when you blow records away

and burn up a mountain

at a pace most sprinters

achieve on flat land,

suspicions arise.

Hey, come on.

How do you beat

a man on drugs if

you're not on drugs?

Man:
Wait.

Did you just admit to being on drugs?

Hamm:
JuJu wasn't the only one

suspicious of Gustav's newfound energy.

Monsieur Ditters,

we are police!

It is not blood.

It is not blood.

It is Gatorade.

I will drink it now.

Give me the Gatorade!

Give me the blood!

Give me the blood!

Hamm:
Blood doping.

Most people are familiar with the term,

but how exactly

does it work?

To understand doping,

we must first understand

the function

of the red blood cell.

Hi, I'm a red blood cell,

and it's the most common type

of blood cell in your body.

That's right, my boy!

Our job is perhaps the most

important in the bloodstream.

We are the delivery men,

delivering oxygen to all

the cells of the body.

We work alongside

the other blood cells,

like platelets...

Hey-oh!

...who are the construction men...

Ow!

...and the white blood cells,

who are the police force around here.

He's got a gun!

What?

Oh my God!

He's f***ing dead!

All right, calm... calm down.

We were just doing our job.

Pigs! Pigs!

Let's burn

this motherf***er down!

Kill these white motherfuckers!

No! Don't burn my shop down!

I'm on your side!

Yeah, burn it down!

Stop! We're just

attacking ourselves!

It's full-blown AIDS in here!

Hamm:
The animator

of the proceeding piece

was a woman named

Victoria Young.

I was originally an

animator for Sesame Street,

but then I got

fired from Henson,

because I couldn't

draw fast enough.

Sesame Street

was also unhappy

with my creation of the

character Huey Black.

Heya, Huey!

Do you wanna play a numbers game?

Shut the f*** up!

Anyway, Gustav Ditters

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