Tour de Pharmacy Page #4

---

was blood doping,

but not the way

you'd expect.

Cyclists dope to get

their VO2 max levels up,

so Gustav figured,

"Why not add red blood cells

"from the creature with

the highest VO2 max level

on Earth?"

A cheetah.

Just because I have cheetah blood

does not make me a cheetah!

Cheetah. If I have

cheetah blood in me,

I am not cheetah, yeah?

I was never

a cheetah.

The UCI should have

understood that.

If you put cheetah blood in you,

it wouldn't make you a cheetah.

What are you having

trouble with?

The way I say cheetah

or the way I say "cheat-ah"?

Hamm:

Whether it was effective or not,

Gustav did add a foreign

substance to his body.

And for doing so,

he was disqualified as a cheetah.

And the following day,

the field narrowed even further

when JuJu Peppi took

his fatal tumble off a cliff.

Man:

Holy sh*t!

Woman:
Oh man!

Man 2:
It ripped his dick off!

People dope. Yeah.

They risk their lives,

but, you know,

this is a sport

with literally hundreds

of dollars on the line,

and dozens of fans.

The... stakes are medium!

Hamm:
By stage 14,

Marty and Adrian were

the only riders left

in the race.

Slim Robinson was still back

on the outskirts of Marsan.

I love it here.

Stopping the race

was the best decision

I ever made.

Just been working

the farm with Fabienne.

We produce dairy here...

milk, yogurt and cheese.

You know, I love tending the land,

milking the cows,

f***ing the sh*t

outta Fabienne.

It just all really suited me.

I still ride

a bike every day,

only now it's to

deliver our dairy.

Only thing I'm racing now is

the expiration date on our milk.

It should be noted,

though, that I am probably

the first black

French dairy farmer.

Number one, baby.

Hamm:
Thus,

unbeknownst to Marty,

he found himself in cycling's

first battle of the sexes.

It was just down to the...

to the two of us,

real competitive,

uh,

and then something weird happened.

I started to notice, like,

little things about him,

and started to feel, like,

"I want to get to know him better,"

or something like that,

and that was strange,

'cause I should've

been focused on winning.

Wright:
And I have to say,

Marty and Adrian,

really seem to be enjoying each

other's company out there.

I think maybe Marty knew I was

woman somewhere deep inside him.

Wright:
And here we go.

Looks like we're finally getting a race.

No, they're pulling over

for a break.

What the hell is this?

If I didn't know

that he was a she

before we went

behind that wall,

jeez, I sure did after.

Baton:
Oh yeah. Oh God.

Oui! Hass:
Oh yeah.

Baton:

Oh man.

Oui!

Most hard-core

cyclists know

that cycling

was invented

so that men could

f*** in the hills.

I promised to

keep her secret

just between us,

and in so doing,

I became something of a gay icon.

Marty and Adrian became the

first publicly out gay athletes,

while simultaneously being

in a heterosexual relationship.

Hamm:

Their romantic tryst

was well-documented.

most beautifully covered

by the French news channels.

The way the French cover their

sporting events is gorgeous.

I'll watch French

sports all the time

just to kinda brainstorm new

ways of shooting things.

Hey!

Abrams:
The France 2 coverage

of the 1982 Tour de France,

it wasn't just

impressive footage

for a news team

to capture.

I call it groundbreaking

footage for film, period.

This wasn't

the French new wave.

This was

the French news wave.

Don't put that in the movie.

That, um...

It's too good of a line.

I want to get it right.

This wasn't

the French new wave.

It was

the French news wave.

That was it.

We tied a rope

to our bikes

so... there would be

no winners

and there

would be no losers.

We would

always be together.

Well, to see Marty

in the lead

and in love

made me so upset,

because I hated

Marty Hass.

There. You talking

about Marty Hass?

Yes.

F*** Marty Hass!

F*** Marty Hass!

F*** him! F*** him!

Stage 19.

Just two days remain

and interest in the Tour

has dwindled nearly to nothing.

No spectators

line the streets.

Passing cars have absolutely no clue that

an event of any kind is taking place.

In fact, at this point,

I have no idea why we're even out here.

I'm just a guy on a bike

following a homosexual couple

who have tied

their bikes together.

Hamm:

And to no one's surprise,

Marty and Adrian shared

the yellow jersey that day.

Here we are, the beginning of the

end of the 1982 Tour de France,

the 187-kilometer ride

from Fontenay-sous-Bois

to the finishing line

at the Champs-Elyses.

Excuse me a moment.

Just getting word from the home office.

Yeah?

And just when

you think it's over,

there's some sh*t

that's about to go down.

That's bonkers! Well, some interesting

new developments in the race.

The UCI has just informed me

that technically,

since I've ridden every stage of the race

and had to register as a cyclist

to bring my bike on the road,

I'm eligible

to win this thing.

Both:
What?

And I think I just might.

Wright:

A perfect backflip from Rex!

Whoa!

Wright:

And it's a matching pair of tail whips

from the lovebirds.

Whoa-ho!

And it appears Adrian is now

untying the rope for some reason.

No! Adrian,

what are you doing?

It is the only way, Marty.

We can do this together.

No, you do it for us, Marty.

I love you. Je t'aime.

No! Adrian!

Je t'aime!

I had no fear

when I ran into Rex,

because my heart

was just so full,

full of love for Marty.

I could feel nothing else.

In fact, I could feel

nothing at all,

because I was also on...

very much... Oxycodone.

Whoa! The dude was a chick!

Wright:
Adrian Baton is,

in fact, a woman.

Well, that moment

really set the groundwork

for a whole genre of

cross-dressing sports films...

Just One of the Guys,

Nobody's Perfect,

Ladybugs, Juwanna Ma...

Juwanna Mann

is, I think,

one of the best films.

It's arguably

the best film.

Wright:

And that's not all.

It appears Rex

Honeycut was riding

with an engine

in his bike.

I guess that explains

how he kept up with the pros.

Hamm:
It was all Marty,

all alone, heading into Paris.

Marty:
It was...

it was heartbreaking to try to go it alone,

but I had to try

to win for Adrian...

otherwise her sacrifice

would've been for nothing.

An African was going to

win the Tour de France!

And for a brief moment...

I loved Marty Hass.

Wright:
And here's Marty Hass

approaching the finish line.

He will be the champion

of the 1982...

Wait! What's this?

Ladies and gentlemen,

Slim Robinson is back!

Even though life

on the farm was perfect,

I couldn't get cycling

out of my head.

Wright:
Slim is moving

at an incredible pace

on his cruiser!

He's caught up to Marty!

But now it's Marty

giving a strong push!

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are in

for an incredible finish!

They are absolutely neck

and neck right now!

Getting closer!

Getting closer!

This is one

for the record books!

And the winner is...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes