Tour de Pharmacy Page #5

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Slim Robinson

by a long shot.

It looked really close

from the other angle,

but no,

it was not close at all.

Those defocused lenses

can be really deceiving.

I still get emotional

when I think about it.

I mean, I was the first black

man in the Tour de France,

and I won it.

This is the most important sh*t

that has ever happened ever!

F*** Jackie Robinson,

and f*** Marty Hass

with his fake African ass!

Guess what else?

I can make cheese, yo!

I make some good cheeses.

Was I happy that a black man

won the Tour de France?

This is the first

I'm hearing about it.

Somehow, Marty Hass

found a way

to f*** us over again.

You know,

I think it's a bit of a shame that...

that an African

couldn't have won that race.

It was a very f***ed up year

for bicycle riding.

Cyclists are hunks.

I still really don't love

watching cycling.

With the upper body

of an alien

and the downstairs

of a horse.

What really got me invested in the

'82 Tour were the characters.

With only five guys,

you really got to know each of them.

You really cared. It was just super

strong character development,

and the whole thing,

like, really played out,

like, a really

well-written script.

I won the Tour de France,

and I did it with nothing

but my own blood,

sweat, and tears,

and extra blood!

Oh sh*t.

Hass:

It was a tough day.

Lost the race,

lost my girl,

and I haven't seen

Adrian since.

No, I never, uh...

I never did see Marty again.

Um, my crashing into Rex

was considered manslaughter,

since he died, you know?

And for this, I received...

35 years in prison,

so...

It was worth it...

...because I did

what I set out to do.

I proved that a woman can cheat

at cycling as well as any man.

That's something for

people to think about

from this

anonymous guy.

My parents bought me

the bike out of van,

but they didn't know

the bike was stolen.

And then one day,

I'm just riding to school,

and then I'm getting

the living sh*t

beat out of me.

And that's what

it's like in Africa.

Like,

sometimes they'll run out of Nerds candy.

Have you ever had that?

I was like, "Where's my Nerds?

Where's my Nerds?"

Honeycut:
A Nerds shortage in Africa?

Right. Yeah,

because they gotta ship 'em in,

and I'm like, "Dad!

Where's my Nerds?"

I'm not a milkman.

I'm a cyclist.

You're not taking this bike!

You tell Slim's uncle

Slim is back

on the Tour!

Fabienne:

Who is that?

Jackie

f***ing Robinson!

Big news

at the Tour de France,

a fight has broken out,

and not surprisingly,

Austrian muscle freak Gustav

Ditters is in the center of it.

Here we have some footage of

him grabbing Jabin Dolchey.

He used Jabin's

flailing legs

to kick other riders

in the face.

Stupendous.

I'm Mick Porterhouse and... Woo!

Oh no! My legs

are getting all shaky, man!

Hey, hey, hey. Slow down, man.

He can't take that.

Take it easy on him!

I think I'm gonna evacuate my bowels!

Just go with it, Marty! Ride the wave!

That is not helping, Slim!

Call my dad!

Basta!

Call my dad, man!

Call his-a papa!

After that...

I rocked a trifecta,

and I passed out.

Man:
Oh, cool, yeah.

Oh, that's when you, um,

puke and sh*t and jizz at the same time.

What's a basketball player

look like?

We don't have that

in Napa.

That's a basketball player?

Jesus!

That makes me even hornier

than the picture of a cyclist.

Oh my sh*t, he is fine!

What the f***

is in his shorts?

That was just a shocking

moment of television.

It was ferocious

and full of electricity.

It was... felicity.

When you put

a crazy person

in charge

of the Tour de France,

crazy things will happen.

That was Ditmer Perten.

Was that "Perten"?

That was Ditman Kirkman.

That was Ditmar Perper.

I mean, how the f*** do you say this

guy's name? What was his name again?

That was Ditman Klerker.

That was Ditman Klerken.

That was Ditmar Klerken.

Ditmen Klirken.

Ditman Klerker... Klerken.

Ditmen Klerken.

Ditman Klerker.

Ditmen Klerken. Did I get it?

Ditmen Klerken.

Ditmen Klerken.

That's his name, okay.

But he was crazy, though.

Well, Tour's over.

Time to go kill myself.

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