Trainwreck Page #11

had sex with a guy I had just met.

And afterwards we couldn’t find the

condom anywhere.

The women are a bit confused.

AMY (CONT’D)

So a couple days later, I started

wondering where the condom was and

I looked online and found out that

a lot of times they get trapped

inside, like up by your cervix. It

said if that happens you need to

get it out. It says just “bear

down” (Air quotes) and fish it out.

So I sat on the toilet and sure

enough it was up there. So I made

my finger like a hook (makes finger

like a hook) and got it out. I

beared down.

The women are stunned.

83.

KAT:

I let Tim and his brothers tag teamme on Christmas morning. And youknow what? It was wonderful.

AMY:

I like her.

INT. AMY’S APARTMENT - DAY

Amy works at her desk. Her phone rings.

AMY:

Hi.

KIM:

Hi. Can you come over?

AMY:

No, I’m working. Is this about thebaby shower because I’m sorry Iwasn’t nicer to the Real Housewives

of Hell.

KIM:

No it’s fine. It’s not about that.

AMY:

What’s up?

KIM (V.O.)

Dad died. He was hoardingmedication and his heart gave out.

Amy? Are you there?

EXT. AMY’S APARTMENT - DAY

Noam panhandles.

NOAM:

Little change. A penny, a nickel, aruble. Crowd-fund this.

INT. AMY’S APARTMENT - DAY

Aaron is on the phone and making tea. Amy is a mess laying onthe couch. He hands her the tea.

84.

EXT. GRAVEYARD - DAY

Amy walks uphill towards the grave site.

Dianna sits with Nikki, Schultz and Bryson. Nikki leans over

to Temembe.

NIKKI:

I had a black boyfriend once.

TEMEMBE:

You’re mother must be proud.

NIKKI:

And I’d do it again.

Amy walks to the front and pulls out a paper.

AMY:

Hello. Thank you for coming. Gordon

David Townsend. Not that great of a

guy. He was kind of racist and

homophobic. He was a drunk. He was

a drunk. He once apologized to me

for missing my volleyball game.

That he was at. He had made signs

with my name on them. When I was 11

this kid Brandon Lipinsky stole my

bike. Maybe he was just borrowing

it. But our dad went to his house

and beat up his dad, and his

grandpa, and Brandon. I’ll bet he

personally offended everyone here.

Raise your hand if our dad ever

offended you.

Most people raise their hands.

AMY (CONT’D)

Yeah, he was an a**hole. When I

asked him to tell me the story of

how he proposed to our mom, his

response was, who? I know he was

joking. He loved her a lot. He was

really sick for a really long time,

which isn’t fair because I don’t

think anyone else was more alive

than him when he was younger. He

thought it was payback. He thought

it was karma and that’s why he got

sick. But I don’t think so. I think

he was the greatest Dad. He always

made me feel loved and important. I

know he f***ed up.

(MORE)

85.

AMY (CONT’D)

I know he probably hurt everyonehere, but raise your hand if he wasone of your favorite people.

Most hands go up.

AMY (CONT’D)

He was my favorite person. Thank

you.

Dianna is moved. She whispers to Nikki.

DIANNA:

This makes me wish they had foundmy father’s remains.

EXT. GRAVEYARD - LATER

Aaron and Amy walk over to Kim, Tom and Allister.

AMY:

Hey.

Amy and Kim hug.

ALLISTER:

Mother, can we go to La Poubellenow?

KIM:

Sure honey.

AMY:

How about a piece of pizza? So momdoesn’t have to take you to aFrench restaurant.

ALLISTER:

Pizza has gluten in it.

AMY:

Who gives a sh*t? I'm sorry.

TOM:

I’ll just put Allister in the car.

Allister and Tom walk away.

AMY:

Can we have one second?

Aaron walks away.

86.

AMY (CONT’D)

I’m joking.

KIM:

I’m not in the mood today. I’m notin the mood for jokes today.

AMY:

I thought you’d be in a great mood.

You don’t have to pay for dad’snursing home anymore.

KIM:

What are you doing? Don’t push me

away.

AMY:

I’m pushing you away? You’ve beenrunning away from this fuckingfamily forever.

KIM:

Amy, I am not a crazy personbecause I got married and gotpregnant with a child. That’s whatpeople do.

AMY:

Why are you even here? You didn’teven like him. I did everything forhim. You don’t get to pretend todaylike you gave a f***.

Tom comes over and takes Kim’s hand. Looks Amy in the eye.

TOM:

That’s enough for today, Amy.

Tom and Kim walk away. Aaron walks over.

AARON:

You okay? You ready to go?

AMY:

Yeah.

AARON:

I just want you to know I reallycare about you.

AMY:

Thank you.

87.

AARON:

And I love you.

AMY:

What? Are you seriously saying that

to me today? They’re literally

putting dirt onto my father’s body.

Today’s the day you say that. Let’s

go.

They walk away together.

AARON:

Was that bad?

AMY:

Yes that’s bad. Bad timing.

(points to parked town

cars)

Is this us? Is this us? Can he pull

up, do we have his number?

INT. AMY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Amy is putting the Mets stuff out and lining up Gordon’s snow

globes like a shrine. She shakes one.

INT. AARON’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Amy sits up awake in bed.

INT. S’NUFF MAGAZINE - DAY

Amy is sitting at her desk. Dianna approaches.

AMY:

Hey.

DIANNA:

How’s it going, sweetheart?

AMY:

I’m getting by. Thank you for

coming. That was really nice. I

can’t believe he’s gone. I am

literally just sitting here

expecting him to call. It feels

like a dream.

88.

DIANNA:

Are we still talking about this?

That was eight days ago. I’m over

it. It was hard, but I’m over it.

Best way to grieve, don’t do it.

I’ve got good news for you. You

know that story, Mr. Dr. Boring

Sports Guy. I cut it. I know you

weren’t in love with that piece

anyway.

AMY:

No. I’m very in love with that

piece.

DIANNA:

There’s nothing happening, there’s

just no tension there. No sex

appeal. He’s a bore. Did you see

the pictures? We did a photo shoot

with him. Look at him.

Shows a photo of Aaron looking stiff.

DIANNA (CONT’D)

Personally I don’t like his odd,

bird face. We tried everything. We

tried a ball. Supposed to be a

sports guy I don’t think he’s ever

touched a ball before. Not that

kind anyway. There he is standing

stiff as a scarecrow. We even got

him wet. I mean would you f***

that?

AMY:

Sure.

DIANNA:

You would? I wouldn’t f*** that

with your dick. We’re going with

Ugliest Celebrity Kids Under Six.

Let’s get this done Amy or we are

not talking promotion. Good girl.

INT. AMY’S APARTMENT - DAY

Amy puts on makeup quickly. Stops and stares at herself.

Aaron talks to her through the door. He’s wearing a nicesuit.

AARON:

You almost ready?

89.

AMY:

I need like two seconds. How youfeeling about Amar’e’s surgery

tomorrow?

AARON:

I don’t feel any pressure at all.

If it doesn’t work it’s just theend of his career. But I feel fine.

(he is looking at her

outfit)

You look great. Is that a formaldress?

AMY:

There’s flowers on it, and it’s

shiny kind of. Is it too short?

AARON:

These people are real conservative.

It’s more gown.

AMY:

Oh yeah, do you just want me to gointo my gown closet? Will you grabmy tiara, it’s right next to mypearls?

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