Trainwreck Page #5

GUY IN THEATER:

Oh sh*t, what the f*** is wrong

with this dude?

WOMAN IN THEATER

He wants you.

AMY:

Babe, your threats I’m telling you

are super gay.

STEVEN:

Too sexual?

AMY:

Yeah.

GUY IN THEATER:

This has to be the corniest muscled

white dude I’ve ever seen in myfucking life.

STEVEN:

Ok Coco Beware, you’re being an

a**hole. You know what I do with

a**holes? I lick them.

34.

GUY IN THEATER:

What the f***?

WOMAN IN THEATER

He wants to f*** you.

EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

Amy smokes from her one-hitter.

INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

MARISA TOMEI:

My pooch has been hurt more thanenough.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I will make sure no one ever hurts

your pooch again.

Amy sits back down. Starts eating popcorn.

AMY:

What’d I miss?

STEVEN:

Amy, what did I miss?

Steven has Amy’s phone in his right hand. It is lit up.

AMY:

They pre-butter it.

STEVEN:

Who’s Brody?

AMY:

What?

STEVEN:

Who’s Oli? Who’s Brody?

AMY:

Why do you have my cellphone?

She reaches for it. He keeps it. She starts smiling.

STEVEN:

Why are you smiling?

35.

AMY:

I get a little high outside, likebarely a little high.

STEVEN:

While you were getting high I wasputting your phone on silent forthe movie and noticed you have allthese guys in your phone. Brody. Or

this guy listed as Hot As Balls.

Who the f*** is Hot As Balls? Stop

smiling.

AMY:

I’m not smiling, those are guysfrom work. Could we just watch thismovie?

STEVEN:

You know what, no I can’t, because

as I was turning off your phone, Igot a picture of somebody’s dick.

GUY IN THEATER:

It was mine.

STEVEN:

F*** you Tone Loc, you wanna take

it to the parking lot? Fine, Youcan’t find me I’ll be the closest

one on Grindr.

Steven walks out of the theater. Amy shakes her head.

AMY:

That’s gay!

EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

Amy is chasing Steven down the street.

AMY:

Steven, please. I am not in shapefor this. Stop walking like theHulk I can see that you’re mad.

You’re being crazy.

STEVEN:

Am I? Cause I think you owe me anexplanation about this. Do I haveto worry about you and other guys?

36.

AMY:

I’m just so high right now. Let’sjust talk tomorrow. I’m too f***ed

up.

STEVEN:

Amy, you’re always f***ed up.

Answer the question. Are youhooking up with other guys?

He holds her there for a moment until she finally speaks.

AMY:

We never said we were exclusive.

STEVEN:

F***. Exclusive? Amy it’s not high

school. Every single guy I work outwith, every single guy, says allyou’re gonna do is mess with my

emotions and hurt me.

AMY:

You guys talk about that at thegym?

STEVEN:

F*** Amy do I have to worry about

you with other guys?

AMY:

Yes, I hook up with other guys. Idon’t go to the movies with them.

That’s our special thing.

STEVEN:

I’m so f***ing stupid. You know

what the sad part is? I was gonnaask you to marry me.

AMY:

Really? I didn’t even think youliked me very much. Why are youmaking me feel bad about this? Youcan sleep with other girls. That’slike every guy’s dream.

STEVEN:

It’s not this guy’s dream. Yeahthis guy’s got a dream. And it’s usmaking it. Getting married, movingout to the countryside. Having afamily. Three boys and two moreboys. Enough for a basketball team.

(MORE)

37.

STEVEN (CONT'D)

And I’ll develop a cross-fitprogram and patent it. And I’llrule the cross-fit world with youby my side. My cross-fit queen.

That’s my dream.

AMY:

Hey. Hey. Can I leave? Or can youleave? I’m just very high, and Ijust need this interaction to be

over.

STEVEN:

Are you serious? F*** you Amy. You

are not nice.

Steven walks away.

AMY:

I’m totally nice.

INT. ALICE’S TEA CUP - DAY

Amy and Kim sit at sewing tables with tiny tea cups.

KIM:

Maybe you should consider changing

your ways.

AMY:

My ways?

KIM:

You would love having a family.

AMY:

You sound like Steven. I wish I

could break up with you.

KIM:

Having a family is fun.

AMY:

That’s fun?

KIM:

Yeah.

Cut to Tom and Allister eating tiny cucumber sandwiches and

drinking tea.

KIM (CONT’D)

They’re having a boy’s lunch.

38.

AMY:

Here?

WAITER:

Hi ladies.

AMY:

We’re going to have two mimosas.

Kim shakes her head no.

AMY (CONT’D)

You’re right, hold the orangejuice. No orange juice, too much

sugar.

WAITER:

So, champagne.

AMY:

Oh, okay!

KIM:

No champagne for me.

AMY:

Two champagnes. Ok we’ll see you in

a bit.

WAITER leaves.

AMY (CONT’D)

Oh my god, he’s like dying to fuckme. Wait. Why aren’t you drinking?

Have a drink with me.

Kim smiles at Amy.

AMY (CONT’D)

What? No. You’re pregnant?

KIM:

I’m pregnant. Tom’s the father.

AMY:

Ew.

Tom and Allister gives Amy a thumbs up.

AMY (CONT’D)

They look like they’re on a speeddate.

39.

KIM:

Say congratulations.

AMY:

We’re telling dad.

KIM:

I’ll tell him at the new nursinghome. The one that’s cheaper.

AMY:

It’s not ok. You’re telling him.

INT. ASSISTED LIVING DINING ROOM - DAY

Amy, Gordon, Norman and Kim sit in a cafeteria-like rec room.

GORDON:

Are you serious? Oh my God,

congratulations. You’re pregnant?

Come here.

Kim is warmed by this.

GORDON (CONT’D)

Oh my God, I’m tingling right now.

I feel high. That’s incredible. I’mfinally gonna be a grandfather.

KIM:

You’re already a grandfather.

GORDON:

Not yet.

AMY:

Allister.

GORDON:

What’s that?

AMY:

Allister.

GORDON:

What about him?

AMY:

That’s your grandson.

40.

GORDON:

Allister? No, I mean, Allister’s

your step child and my stepgrandkid I guess. I’m talking about

your kid. Our bloodline.

NORMAN:

I was the first kid on my block toown a television.

AMY:

That’s really not relevant rightnow, Norman.

GORDON:

That’s more like Tom’s kid. Tom’s

kid who you help with.

AMY:

Dad, you love Allister.

GORDON:

I like him. I care for him. I fear

for him. I know what happens to akid like that in the schoolyard. Wehad a kid like that, Stewie. We

used to beat him mercilessly. Somedays I almost felt bad for him.

That’s what’s gonna happen to this

kid. I’m trying to protect him.

Teach him how to be a man.

KIM:

I don’t know what you are talkingabout. You were the worst father

ever.

GORDON:

Come on, I wasn’t a bad father.

KIM:

Mom did everything when we weregrowing up. You wouldn’t understandbecause you weren’t there.

GORDON:

So now you’re mother’s a saint?

KIM:

Of course she’s a saint.

GORDON:

Of course because when you dieeverybody’s a saint.

41.

AMY:

Dad. Just shut up.

GORDON:

We were just talking about thisyesterday. About Allister.

KIM:

Amy?

AMY:

No he’s lying.

KIM:

Amy.

GORDON:

Amy, come on, you said he’s thekind of kid who drops his pants tothe floor when he pees at theurinal.

AMY:

No, you said that. I said heprobably pees sitting down.

GORDON:

That was funny.

KIM:

I can’t believe you guys areteaming up against me again.

AMY:

No, I’m on your side. I’m on yourteam!

KIM:

You’re not on my team.

GORDON:

I’m sorry if I’m more excited aboutmy grandkid than some stepgrandkid.

KIM:

They’re both your grandkid, God

damnit.

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