Transamerica Page #4

You're stealth to him?

Oh, sugar dumplin'!

Don't worry, honey.

We've all been there.

l'll pass the word.

lt was one of those

instant best friend things.

At the time, we were

both straight men.

What could you do with that?

We had our surgery on the same day.

We ended up holding hands

in the recovery room.

And now this gorgeous creature's

the love of my life.

We were just telling your friend

a little bit about

the transsexual lifestyle.

Mmm.

Not what you're

used to in church, huh?

These are vaginal dilators.

She just had her surgery last month.

This is Keanu two.

This is Keanu three.

Where's Keanu one?

Keanu one is in Hollywood

filming a major science-fiction epic,

and we don't want to hear

a snarky remark about him.

We're not gender-challenged,

we're gender-gifted.

l've been woman

and l've been man,

and l know more things

than you single-sex people

can even imagine.

Dude, l thought you were a real guy.

We walk among you.

That poor thing couldn't pass

on a dark night at 200 yards.

ln the pink.

You better check your T-dar, honey.

She's a G.G.

- A what?

- A genuine girl.

From Mary Kay.

lf you let her do a color trial,

she'll give you a free compact.

Oh, give me a home

Where the buffalo roam

And the deer

and the antelope play

With each other

Where seldom is heard

A discouraging word

And the skies

are not cloudy all day

Everybody!

Home, home on the range

Where the deer

and the antelope play

Where seldom is heard

A discouraging word

And the skies

are not cloudy all day

Oh!

Ah!

Sorry.

Could you hand me

my robe, please?

The pink satin.

lt's by the...

thank you.

lt's an unfortunate side effect

of my pills.

They're a diuretic.

Gross.

A diuretic.

lt means you go

number one, not number two.

Listen, l'm sorry about

those ersatz women.

What?

Ersatz.

lt means phony.

Something pretending to be

something it's not.

l thought they were nice.

Zoologists are the guys

that work in the zoos, right?

Yes, among other places.

l never met my real dad.

My mom never talked about him.

l'm gonna go

live with him, though.

As soon as l get enough money,

l can get some nice clothes,

and knock on his door, surprise him.

Do your mom and dad

live in California, too?

My parents are dead.

Do you like zoos?

l don't mind

the modern ones, l guess.

The animals may not be free,

but they're safe.

Yeah.

Me, too.

Night.

Good night.

- Did you go to college?

- Yes.

- What did you study?

- A lot of things.

French, cultural anthropology,

archaeology, psychology,

art history. Y uck.

Possum.

Biology.

during the cretaceous period,

these plains were the floor

of a huge inland sea.

We there yet?

lf you don't wanna learn anything,

then never mind.

All right, l'm listening.

lt cut the entire continent in two.

Dinosaurs lived on either side.

Then a huge meteor struck the earth.

Some people say that's why

the dinosaurs went extinct,

but why should the insects,

birds and mammals have survived?

- Why?

- l don't know,

but it's always seemed

a little bit fishy to me.

Did you know they found

giant shark remains

in the middle of Kansas?

How big were they?

Big enough to swallow you

without even chewing.

- Got you.

- You did not.

- l got you.

Ah, you got me in the eye,

you got me in the eye.

l'm so sorry.

Did l hurt you?

Ha ha! Got you.

Ow!

Stop it.

Ow!

Seriously, watch the road.

You drive.

l hope we pass a rest stop soon.

My diuretic's kicking in.

Do rattlesnakes come out at night?

Well...

l must say, that's a relief.

Something wrong?

This is a no-smoking room.

New Mexico is

the ufology capital of the world.

Ufology.

From U.F.O.

The study of

unidentified flying objects.

You know, social ostracism

doesn't work in a community of two.

Damn it, Toby, say something.

l wanna go to Sammy's Wigwam.

Here's some arrowheads.

They're only a dollar each.

He's been acting like that all day.

Young man, if you don't

start behaving in a civilized fashion,

you and l are going to have

a very serious problem.

F*** you.

Hey, you watch your mouth

around your mother.

She is not my mother!

She's not anyone's mother.

She's not even a real woman.

She's got a dick.

Don't you?!

Don't you?

Go on, tell him.

You're a f***in' lying freak.

What do you want outta me?

Just because a person

doesn't go around

blabbing her entire biological history

to everyone she meets

doesn't make her a liar.

Why didn't you

just tell me the truth?

So you could humiliate me

in public even sooner?

You knew all about me.

Why did you bail me out of jail?

You just walked into jail,

asked 'em who needed help?

You know what, f*** you!

l never even heard of

a tranny church lady.

Just drop me off

in the next town.

So you don't think l have

the right to belong to a church?

My body may be a work in progress,

but there is nothing

wrong with my soul.

Jesus made me this way for a reason

so l could suffer and be reborn

the way he was.

So you're cutting

your dick off for Jesus?

You don't cut it off.

Just gonna have an inny

instead of an outie.

Eww.

Hi.

ls there any chance

that you could offer

a fellow traveler a ride?

Absolutely.

We love helping strangers.

Beef jerky?

Uh, no thanks.

l'm a level four vegan.

l don't eat anything

that casts a shadow,

but a little token of my appreciation.

Absolutely.

l'm sorry, but the secondary smoke

might render me unfit to drive.

She's cool, right?

She's not a she,

she's got a dick.

Toby!

For now, at least.

You're a guy?

l'm a transsexual woman.

Wow!

l think transsexuality

is a radically evolved state of being.

Hey, look.

Many societies throughout history

have honored and revered

transgendered people--

The Zulu, the Yoruba.

The Native Americans

called us two-spirit people.

Two spirits.

That's cool.

Tell him what they're

gonna do with your dick.

Then the settlers came.

They tended to murder us on sight.

The way the white man treated

the lndian was very deeply f***ed up.

Yeah.

Are you sure you won't join us?

Come on.

We know what you got.

You boys go ahead.

Have fun.

So what do you do

when you're not following the open road?

l'm a Peyote shaman.

How do you do that?

lt involves consuming

majestic amounts of peyote.

When you're done throwing up,

you see things.

- What things?

- Once l saw my own death.

Do you by any chance

drown in a desert lake?

No. l die in

a depressurization accident

on a moon colony.

l'll show you something.

lt's in my bag.

Do you still think what you said

back at Sammy's Wigwam?

What?

That l'm a freak.

You're not a freak.

You're just a liar.

Oh, sh*t!

My purse!

My hormones!

You dirty motherf***er!

My dog book was in that car.

Oh.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

My surgery.

l have to be in L.A. ln two days.

What are we going to do?

ls it soothing?

We could sell it.

How much could you get?

Oh, sweet.

Come on.

Let's go.

Oh!

Oh!

l don't care about the car.

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