Tropic Thunder Page #6

and I think he's getting cold feet.

And the men respect you,

'cause you went to boot camp

and rehearsal.

- Can I count on you, Kyle.

- It's Kevin.

Good.

If you want

I could give the map a look-see.

- I'll handle the map.

- Okay.

You stick with the program,

we get this movie in the can,

I'm thinking there could be

a Teen Choice Award in it for you.

You have that potential.

They'll slime you, the whole deal.

- Yeah, that's wicked.

- Good.

There it is! Yeah, now you're dead!

You O.D.'d!

Hold up now, Jeff.

F***ing hell!

What the hell, Jeff? That's a bat, man!

I don't have any more jellybeans.

You land there!

Wow. Look at these ruins.

- Where the hell are we?

- D'ang Kwook River.

That so? How do you know that?

How you sure?

Only one way to find out, dude. Let's go.

Yeah. I'm not feeling so good right now.

Seriously, my skin hurts!

Enough from the peanut gallery!

Into the water, ladies!

No, man. Let me take a look at that map

right quick.

Why is everybody

all obsessed with the map?

'Cause we're tired

of being your trail donkeys!

Acting like you some one-man GPS!

God damn it! We lost!

We f***ing super lost, man!

Tell him, McClusky.

Tell him what time it is.

I don't believe you people.

What do you mean "you people"?

What do you mean, "you people"?

I think what Tugg means is...

No, look at his eyes, man.

...you people, you actors. You people...

- Look at them beady, white devil eyes.

I gotta get back to the hotel, for real!

- Hell, no!

- Silence!

Chill! All right? Just chill it.

Now, let's go get those Viet Congs.

- "Viet Cong"!

- What?

It's "Viet Cong." There's no "S."

It's already plural.

You wouldn't say "Chineses."

All right, that's enough

of this insubordination!

If the machine breaks down,

we break down.

Hey, man, you know how in Rambo I,

he was big but a little puffy

and then Rambo II,

he got all shredded up?

- Yeah.

- That's kind of how you look right now.

- Yeah?

- Not Rambo I but II.

- Really?

- Yeah, when he was cut up.

I'm not that... I mean,

that's what I'm going for, but you know...

Come on, dude. You more shredded

than a julienne salad, man.

- Thanks.

- What's the secret, dude?

- It's a diet. I'm just dieting.

- Really?

'Cause I'm trying to come up a little,

but it's just... It's tough.

- You look good.

- Any tips?

- What?

- Any tips, you got?

There's, like, the pineapple...

- Give me that goddamn map! F*** you!

- Hey!

- Hey!

- All right, now!

What it is, Sikorski?

Tell us where we really at.

That's f***ing bullshit!

It's a chump move.

We just getting a second opinion, doc.

We're going the wrong way!

- Damn!

- Son of a b*tch.

God! I think we were

supposed to be doing this,

and instead we did this.

Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, shitty sh*t, sh*t!

Think you can get us back

to that drop zone, boy?

This is not cool!

Maybe.

This is insane!

Are you really going

to abandon this movie?

We're supposed to be a unit!

Suck my unit!

All right, fine.

- I'll finish it by myself.

- You go be all you can be, man.

Tugg, you have no idea

where you're going!

Yes, I do!

I'm going to, "Exterior, rain forest, dusk.

"Smash cut to Four Leaf, who treks

alone through a frightening jungle."

Suck on that unit, Kirk!

Come on, men. Let's get home.

Hello, Mr. Mantis. You're beautiful.

Now, if you recall that whole hullabaloo

where Hollywood

was split into schisms,

some studios backing Blu-ray Disc,

others backing HD DVD.

People thought it would come down to

pixel rate or refresh rate,

and they're pretty much the same.

What it came down to was

a combination of gamers and porn.

Now, whichever format porno backs

is usually the one

that becomes the most successful.

But, you know, Sony,

every PlayStation 3 has a Blu-ray in it.

You talking to me this whole time?

I was talking to whoever

was listening to me.

Jesus Christ, man!

Booty Sweat.

Oh, God!

It's cold! It's freezing. I'm f***ing cold.

You want my flak jacket?

What, are you insane? It's boiling!

It's like a sweat lodge out here!

Keep the volume down on that bitching,

Flatch Adams.

I gotta take a f***ing 12-pound sh*t!

- How we doing? We making good time?

- We're making good time,

but there's no way we make it

over that ridge before sundown.

All right, fellas,

we're gonna make camp, rest up!

- Oh, God.

- Y'all might be in for a treat.

You know,

back before the war broked out,

I was a saucier in San Antone.

I bet I could collar up

some of them greens.

Yeah, noodle some crawfish

out the paddy, yo.

And maybe some crab apples

for dessert, now, you hear? Hell, yeah!

Hell, yeah!

That's how we all talk.

We all talk like this, suh! Yes, suh.

Yeah, get some crawfish and some ribs.

You're Australian! Be Australian!

Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack.

I get excited about my foods, man.

Die!

No!

Dude, dude, what the hell

is going on here? Where are we?

I have no idea.

I've never been outside the States.

Wait, what?

Are you f***ing kidding me?

Did you make this

whole goddamn thing up?

Dude, were you

even in the f***ing service?

Yes. Of course. Coast Guard.

- Coast Guard.

- Sanitation Department.

Oh, my God!

You're a f***ing garbage man!

Damn it. F.L. Tayback lies to me

and the whole goddamn U.S. Of A.

I wrote the book as a tribute!

I'm a patriot!

Yeah, you're the Milli Vanilli

of patriots, okay?

You lied

about fighting the Vietnam War.

It's like punching the American flag

in the face, God damn it.

God, and to think I believed in you!

- I don't wanna be next to you.

- Writers lie all the time.

Can I be tied to another post? Okay.

- Rick?

- Tugg.

I killed one, Rick.

The thing I love most in the world.

Vivica, get off the line now!

A hooker. All right, you killed a hooker.

Calm down.

Here's what you're gonna do.

Get your hands on some bleach,

some hydrogen peroxide

and a shitload of lime.

No, a panda.

I killed a panda.

Amanda? Come on, dude.

I mean,

that's probably not even her real name.

No, a panda!

A panda?

A sweet, cuddly,

vicious little panda.

Jesus Christ, Tugg!

Man, don't scare me like that!

It's beautiful here.

You on the set?

I am the set.

All right, man.

Hey, how's the TiVo working out?

Screw TiVo.

I'm way beyond TiVo.

Last I checked,

they hadn't hooked it up, though.

Hadn't hooked it up? No TiVo?

It doesn't matter anymore.

I've moved on.

Where have you moved on to?

Another agency?

Who's with you?

It's Nick Stevens, isn't it?

That little f***er.

You are still my client, Tugg Speedman!

I am getting the TiVo!

Jacket's on, I'm out the door!

Tugg?

Please don't fire me.

I did it, I did it!

Vivica, what do I have scheduled

this afternoon?

- Two and a Half Men taping.

- Sh*t.

Cancel it.

And get me Tugg's Tropic Thunder

contract.

I'm going to Grossman's office,

I'm playing the card.

Okay.

Oh, mama. Thirsty.

He doesn't look too good.

Must drink,

so I can throw something up!

No, no. Don't drink that water!

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