Tropic Thunder Page #7

That water's like a petri dish!

No, don't!

Alpa, do you have any Booty Sweat?

Yeah, get him chugging on

some of Alpa's ass water.

That'll bring him around. It's a cure-all.

Man, what you coming out

in movies for anyway?

Did you need another revenue stream?

For your information,

my revenue stream

currently generates $2 million a year

in charitable contributions

for my community.

- Hot damn.

- And why am I in this movie?

Maybe I just knew I had to represent,

because they had one good part

in it for a black man

and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee.

Pump your brakes, kid.

That man is a national treasure.

I just wanted to throw another shrimp

on your barbie.

That sh*t ain't funny.

Hey, fellas! It's hot!

We're tired! It stinks!

I'm just f***ing with you,

Kangaroo Jack!

I'm sorry a dingo ate your baby.

You know that's a true story?

Lady lost her kid.

- You about to cross some f***ing lines.

- Guys, relax and stuff.

You know what? F*** that, man!

I'm sick of this koala-hugging n*gger

telling me...

For 400 years,

that word has kept us down.

What the f***?

It took a whole lot of trying

just to get up that hill.

Now we up in the big leagues,

getting our turn at bat.

Long as we live, it's you and me, baby.

That's the theme song for

The Jeffersons. You really need help.

Yeah. Just 'cause it's the theme song,

don't make it not true.

You know what?

I'm gonna tell you what's true.

I'm gonna tag you back.

You better believe that, baby.

Guys! Hey, guys!

Jeff, stay away from that animal.

I'm gonna bite his hide. I need...

I need to wear his stomach skin

like a unitard.

Ain't nobody doing nothing

to no one or body!

Now, if Mr. Portnoy is feeling

a little flu-ish, don't wanna walk,

put him up on that cloven-hoof animal!

We got ground to cover!

All right, POW camp, scene 67.

Bring it on, Cockburn!

Maybe he's not, you know,

Ridley Scott or something,

but I think Renny Harlin's

a tremendous filmmaker

like, Adventures of Ford Fairlane,

you know,

as far as an Andrew Dice Clay

vehicle goes, it's pretty decent.

And Cliffhanger.

Cliffhanger's incredible.

As far as the whole like,

man against nature type of movies go,

it's absolutely amazing.

Shut the f*** up!

Who send you here?

Tayback, John, Sergeant,

United States Army.

Serial number 694529987.

Perhaps some hot tea

will make conversing

a little easier.

My leader's not quite as cordial.

Look, what? I just thought you might

like some hot tea

- in order to calm your nerves.

- Tayback, John, Sergeant,

United States Army, 694529987.

And here's a little message

from my Uncle Sam.

Dude, you all right?

Man you totally leaned into that.

I was pulling it back

and you just came in too...

Hey, it was an accident, man.

Come on, good.

You want to keep going?

- Let's go.

- Get up.

I rather rot in your V.C. Jail!

I'll never bend to your will!

You scum! You scum!

Now say this

and go to the beginning again,

let's do the tea part, okay?

Dude, I hope you're not pissed.

I see moss on both sides of that tree.

Well, you know, maybe if I wasn't

the only one at boot camp...

My belly really hurts, you guys!

I'm not joking around, I'm nauseous.

Let me off, I gotta puke!

I don't wanna die like Hendrix!

All right. All right.

Are you okay, Jeff?

I'm awesome.

Holy sh*t!

Okay. Everyone, down, down, down.

Man. Now I'm tripping.

That looks like the POW camp

from out the script, yo.

Speedman was right?

I don't think so.

Look at the cooking vats,

the armed guards.

Looks like a heroin processing plant.

We were in that chopper for hours.

I don't even think

we're in Vietnam anymore.

- F***.

- Sh*t. We ain't even in 'Nam?

No, most likely Myanmar or Laos.

What the f*** is Laos?

It's the Golden Triangle.

Oh, f***. We're dead.

No one gets out of here. I saw it on TV.

F***ing boats, airplanes,

UFOs and sh*t, they all just vanish!

Yo, that's the Bermuda Triangle,

dumbass.

This is the Golden Triangle.

It's the world's hard drug superhighway.

How do you know that?

It was a really long trip.

I read the in-flight magazine.

Cut!

Oh, Jesus!

What do you see, man? I'm blocked.

Damien, cut!

Hey, Damien, cut!

They got Speedman.

And it doesn't look good.

I am Tran.

You are a trespasser in my poppy fields.

You are D.E.A. Scum!

Were there some re-writes

that I missed?

Do you want to die?

- Do you?

- No!

Please, don't hurt me!

Say that again.

Please, don't hurt me.

No! Like you did before! Say it!

Say it!

Please, don't hurt me!

- What?

- You are Simple Jack.

You saw Simple Jack?

We love the tale of this man,

Simple Jack.

We do not have many luxury here.

And Simple Jack is the only movie

we possess.

You got the VHS.

We've watched it many, many times.

You should've got Oscar.

Well, you know. It's...

Just to be nominated...

You were nominated?

No, no, no. I wasn't nominated.

I'm just saying that to have been

nominated would have been nice.

It's just... It's very political.

You have to take out ads...

- Shut up now!

- Okay. Okay.

So, are you going to

let me go, or...

No. We'll hold you for ransom.

Much more money now!

He's in a meeting.

Yeah, I know.

In about two seconds with the Pecker.

I'm gonna rip your f***ing tits off.

You wanna talk about trouble?

That's trouble.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do you need, Peck?

No, more like what do you need, Les?

Glasses?

What?

So you can read

the Tropic Thunder contract

that guarantees my client,

Tugg Speedman,

some form of digital video recorder

on location.

- Huh?

- I can't believe you let him in.

Look, fuckstick, I'm incredibly busy,

so why don't you get the hell out of here

before I snap your dick off

and jam it into your ass?

No, not you, Helen.

But I will rip your tits off

if you don't get me those theaters.

Perfect.

Hey, Tuggernuts,

I've got you on speakerphone.

I'm standing here with Les Grossman,

and he is dying to tell you

why he's apparently wiped his ass

with the TiVo clause from your contract.

We are Flaming Dragon.

Speedman is with us now.

For 50 million, you will get him back.

- Are you gonna get those...

- Who is this?

- And how did you get this phone?

- We are Flaming Dragon!

Simple Jack belong to us now.

He does, does he?

Let me tell you something, shitbird.

I've never even heard

of your little agency.

But if you think

you can poach my client...

Send $50 million, or you no see

Simple Jack again because we kill him.

This is Les Grossman. Who is this?

This is Flaming Dragon!

Okay. Flaming Dragon. Fuckface.

First, take a big step back

and literally f*** your own face!

Now, I don't know what kind of

pan-Pacific bullshit power play

you're trying to pull here,

but Asia, Jack, is my territory.

So whatever you're thinking,

you better think again.

Otherwise, I'm gonna

have to head down there,

and I will rain down an ungodly

f***ing firestorm upon you.

You're gonna have to call

the f***ing United Nations

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