Tropic Thunder Page #9

You got it!

Goodbye, Mama!

Now you can have ice cream in heaven.

I'll see you tonight, when I go to bed,

in my head movies.

But this head movie

makes my eyes rain.

Dang.

Short-bus is taking some real hits.

- They got him on the move!

- That's torture, man.

Okay. That's where they keeping him.

I gotta get cracking on my costume.

Say, are you good

with a needle and thread?

Hell, yeah.

Alpa Chino chinos sold more than

five million pairs last spring at the Gap.

- I sewed them patterns myself, baby.

- Let's roll out.

It's a little twig man Oscar.

I'm going to call you Half Squat.

And you can call me

Papa.

Wow, look at all those stars.

Really makes a guy feel pretty small.

This could be the last time

we look at these stars.

Man, that's beauty.

Nights like tonight

make a man wonder what it's all about.

Hey, you guys.

Anybody got some bug spray?

Don't ignore me!

Stick it out, man.

We're gonna get through this.

- Hey, Kirk?

- Yeah?

Are you still dating

Jennifer Love Hewitt?

'Cause I think she's hot.

No, that was just some

tabloid conjecture.

Hey, guys, I'm good. I made it through.

You can untie me now.

Funny, huh?

The circus life 280 days a year

on location.

It's hard to find a girl

that can hang with that, you know?

Not one worth keeping, nohow.

Hey, Radar? Evans?

No, it's Kevin.

Kev, whatever the f***.

Come over here.

I didn't tell you, but Fatties: Fart Three

is coming down the pike,

and there's a role in there for you

if you come over and untie me.

Jeff, you're just going to

have to tough it out.

Your mother's a cankerous whore!

Jesus, man.

Hey, man.

Remember way back when I said

your mother was a cankerous whore?

I'm sorry, man.

I did not mean that. She's not.

How about you, man?

You got some little minx waiting for you

on the other side of tomorrow?

Me?

I've barely even had a girlfriend, and...

I was really hoping I'd get laid

when this movie came out,

but that's not gonna happen.

What about you, Masterblaster?

You got a certain someone you trying

to get with back in the States?

What, Alpa Chino?

He's like 10 girls deep, 24/7.

No. You missing me, man.

I'm talking about something special.

Big difference.

How about it?

Yeah.

Yeah, there is.

Well? What's the skinny?

Y'all been on a date or what?

No. I mean...

I always wanted to, but I guess

I just never had the courage to ask.

It's... It's complicated.

No! It's simple as pie, man.

You plant your feet in the ground, you

look her square in the eyes, you say,

"Hey, baby, you and me's going

on a date." That's the end of story.

- What's her name?

- Lance.

"Listen here, Lance..."

Lance? What the f*** did I just hear?

Lance?

- Did you say "Lance"?

- No!

- That sounded like "Lance."

- No, I said "Nance."

- That's what I said, "Nance."

- It sounded like "Lance."

Look, I'm Alpa Chino, okay?

I love the p*ssy! All right?

Lay your ass back down

and look at the stars.

When you wrote I Love Tha P*ssy

was you thinking of dangling your dice

on Lance's forehead?

Oh, hell, no! What? Come on. Look.

- Man, everyone's gay once in a while.

- I'm not gay!

This Hollywood.

How about we all get back to work?

- Okay. Cool.

- This is ridiculous!

We got a big day tomorrow.

Let's get focused.

Alpa, if you untie me,

I will literally suck your dick right now.

I told you, for the last time,

I love the p*ssy!

I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft,

work the pipe and swallow the gravy.

Get it over here, buddy. Let's do this.

Okay, so, what's the plan?

Are you gonna talk Vietnamese

to those dudes?

No. No. Mandarin Chinese.

Which, from what I can tell,

is what they speaking down there.

How the hell do you know Chinese?

Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li.

Second Globe, third Oscar.

Prepped for that one by working in

a Beijing textile factory for eight months.

That might be our ride.

The straps are too tight!

Shut your mouth and follow my lead.

The straps are cutting off

my circulation!

F*** you!

Not the f***ing bull again.

F***ing a**hole.

Laz, don't let him take me off the yak.

B*tch whore! F***ing hate you!

Okay.

All right.

That looks like it could be

the munitions hut right there.

I'm gonna try to find Speedman

in the main building.

I don't know Chinese but it sounds like

your improvising is for sh*t.

Oh, f***!

Get over here!

- What are you guys doing here?

- He has hands.

- He killed Damien.

- Bullshit!

- He blinded Jamie Lee Curtis.

- Almost!

What are you talking about?

Damien stepped on a old landmine.

Sweet. Thank God.

- We busting Speedman out.

- Speedman's here?

I take it y'all are doing

the Wet Offensive from the book.

I can give y'all a diversion.

I got enough sh*t here to light this place

up like it's the Fourth of f***ing July.

Yes, your farm.

Where is your farm,

American?

My farm?

Oh, sh*t.

Here's my motherfucking farm!

Yeah!

Yeah! Chicka-chickaw, baby!

Kwan-Lo!

I'm a lead farmer, motherf***er!

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

keep your head down!

Keep your head down on the ground!

Nobody move or I do the little big guy!

That's right,

we running this program now, J.P.

Now show me where the drugs are.

What the f***?

That ain't the plan!

Don't judge me!

He's got a real serious problem.

Hey! Hey, you!

Take off your clothes!

Take off your clothes!

What do we do now?

Stick with the plan. Find Speedman.

Alpa, keep this clown posse down.

Come on now.

Y'all heard the man.

Be suede, don't move!

F*** your do-rag. F*** your do-rag.

- Door!

- One, two, three!

I go high, you go low.

Get down. Get down! Get down!

Chow Yun-Fat, get the hell down!

If I see one more head pop up,

it's gonna be bullet Whac-A-Mole.

Come on, come on!

- Smoke grenade.

- Don't drop it now.

Here.

- What's this?

- I don't know what it's called.

- What's this?

- I don't know what it's called.

I just know the sound it makes

when it lies.

Don't move, Matchbox,

or I will shoot you.

I'm gonna put on this thing. Don't move.

I can still see you.

Tugg!

Tugg?

Gotcha.

Roll your sh*t up, man. We going home.

Home?

But I'm doing five shows a day

for a standing-room-only crowd.

Don't you get it? I already am home.

All right, now, dude, you gotta get it...

My son gave this to me.

- That's your stick buddy?

- His name is Twigman.

Does he wanna come with us?

Get down! Get down! Get down!

Maybe y'all heard of me.

Y'all heard of Alpa Chino? No?

I love that p*ssy, hell, yeah, hell, yeah

They're not your demo, dude.

Come on.

Six motherfucking VMAs, baby.

Two BET Awards. Alpa Chino.

Like him in Carlito's Way?

Hey, yo, you know what?

Speak English. I don't speak that stuff.

What're you sayin'? Huh?

Devil's Advocate. Dog Day Afternoon.

Cruising. Sea of Love.

Real Al Pacino.

Get the f*** down. That's a whole

different dude altogether.

What you doing? What you doing?

Don't touch that gun.

Don't do it! Don't touch that gun!

On my momma, if you touch that gun...

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