Trouble in Paradise Page #2

police reporter speaking.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this program comes to you...

through the courtesy

of Colet and Company,

manufacturers of the most famous

perfumes in the worid.

Remember, it doesn't matter what

you say, it doesn't matter how you look.

It's how you smell. Thank you.

# Colet, Colet

Colet and Company #

# Are makers of the best perfumes #

# If you and your beloved can't agree #

# Permit us to suggest perfumes #

# Cleopatra was a lovely tantalizer #

# But she did it

with her little atomizer #

# We'll make you smell like a rose #

# Every nose in Paris knows #

# Colet and Company # #

Well, I am sure, Madame Colet,

if your husband were alive,

the first thing he would do

in times like these... cut salaries.

Unfortunately, Monsieur Giron,

business bores me to distraction.

Besides, I have

a luncheon engagement.

So I think we better leave the salaries

just where they are. Good-bye.

Good-bye, Madame Colet.

This one, Madame Colet,

is only 3,000 francs.

Oh, no, that's entirely too much.

- How 'bout that one?

- Oh, this one, madame.

Well, that's 125,000 francs.

But it's beautiful. I'll take it.

Thank you, Madame Colet.

How do you do, Madame Colet?

Good-bye, Madame Colet.

Yes, madame.

No, madame.

No, madame.

Yes, madame.

No, no, Franois. I tell you no.

You see, Franois,

marriage is a beautiful mistake...

which two people make together.

But with you, Franois,

I think it would be a mistake.

Don't be so downhearted, Major.

You're not the only one I don't love.

I don't love Franois, either.

Madame will be ready in two minutes.

I know you don't like me, Major.

To be perfectly frank,

I dislike you... intensely.

But since we have to be in each

other's company this evening...

we might just as well

make conversation.

Well, Major, what's your answer?

For heaven's sake, man, say something!

Tonsils.

# What a day

What a day for the fair #

- # What a day #

- # Softly on the breezes #

# Can't you hear the call oflove #

- # The prince is late #

- # The prince is late #

- # We have to wait #

- # To wait #

# He's late #

# He's late #

Good-bye.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Two men of your standing

always quarreling.

Well, he started it.

But you're the more intelligent one.

- That's true.

- Then why did you do it?

Because I hate him.

Because I love you.

You should have more self-control.

- You were in the army.

- Well, he was in the navy.

Good-bye.

I want you to go out and apologize...

immediately.

See here, my good man.

You've been saying good-bye

for the last half hour and staying on.

I wish you'd say,

"How do you do," and go.

Well, he left.

I tell you, apologizing is a gift.

# His royal highness

will soon be here #

- # Hear the sound ofhorses

His highness must be near #

- # Here they come #

- # Here they come #

- # Here they come #

# He will open up the fair #

# Your Highness #

# Hail to you #

# Every star that shines above #

# Seems to say #

# I love you, I love you #

# I love you #

- # I hate you #

- # She hates him #

# Lovely maiden, tell #

# What have you to sell #

# Sweet violets I would like to buy #

# Oh, Prince #

# A happy maiden am I #

- My bag!

- Your bag?

- Yes, my bag.

- Well, well, well,

didn't you take it with you?

- Apparently not.

Don't you know where it is?

- No, no, I'm sorry.

- But you saw it here.

- Yes, yes, I saw it.

- Then where is it?

- Shh!

It couldn't have walked out by itself.

# Promise you will remain #

Bravo.! Bravo.!

- Yes, monsieur.

- I, uh... I would like

to look at some, uh...

- Good morning, Major.

- Good morning.

I, uh... I would like

to look at, uh...

at some, uh... some cuff links.

Very well, sir.

- Nice day, Major.

- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

- You're looking fine, Major.

- Now see here, my good man.

I've had just about enough

of your insulting remarks.

Here, monsieur.

Pretty, isn't it?

I don't agree with this review at all.

I thought Martini's singing

was adequate, but to call him

a great singer... ridiculous.

- Remember when we saw him

a year ago in Munich?

- Ayear ago?

- It can't be that long.

- Yes.

Don't you remember the day

you took that Chinese vase

from the royal palace?

And you made it into a lamp

for my night table.

I remember the lamp,

I remember the night table...

and I remember the night.

Everything will be all right again.

Prosperity is just around the corner.

Gaston!

Read this.

The description fits.

That's our bag.

Twenty thousand francs.

If I sold it, I would get...

Well, it's worth 40,000 at the most.

She paid probably 60,000.

If I sold it, I would get 5,000.

Well, darling, then I'd be honest

about it and return it to the lady.

- And take the 20,000 francs?

- Right.

Sweetheart, what day is today?

- The 14th of May.

- And tomorrow is the 15th.

- And the day after tomorrow...

- The six...

We'll go to Venice, to the same hotel.

And we'll take the royal suite.

- Two fifty-three, five...

- Seven and nine.

No, I'm sorry,

but that's not the bag.

Next, please.

Hello. Yes.

No, no. No, it was not insured.

But right now it's too late.

I may lose it again?

But I haven't found it yet.

No, no, I'm sorry. Good-bye.

- Yes?

- So you lost a handbag, madame?

- Yes.

- And it had diamonds in the back?

- Yes.

- And diamonds in the front?

- Yes.

- Diamonds all over?

- Well, have you found it?

- No! But let me tell you:

Any woman who spends a fortune

in times like these for a handbag...

- Phooey, phooey, and phooey!

- I must ask you...

And as Leon Trotsky said...

And that goes for you too!

Phooey, phooey, and phooey!

His phooey is worse than his bite.

Oh, I must apologize

for entering unannounced,

but if I am not mistaken,

Madame Colet?

Yes.

Will you be good enough

to look at this bag, madame?

Why, yes.

Yes, that's it. Jacques!

Yes, madame?

Dismiss all the people in the hall.

Say the bag's been found.

Very well, madame.

Where did you...

Where did you find it?

- You know the main staircase

in the opera?

- Yes.

- Then you go to the left,

there is a landing.

- Yes.

- Then you go into the foyer.

- Yes.

- And as you leave the foyer,

there is a little niche.

- I know that niche.

- And in that niche

there is a statue of Venus.

- I remember.

- You like that statue?

- Not particularly.

Neither do I.

That's where I found it.

I don't know

how I could have lost it there.

I was nowhere near that niche.

Oh, that's strange.

Maybe...

Are you sure this is your bag?

But of course it is.

Are you doubting me?

Not in the least, madame.

But, you see, this is a very expensive

bag, and one has to be careful.

Well, I am Madame Colet.

And I am Monsieur La Valle,

if you'll allow me to introduce myself.

How do you do, Monsieur La Valle?

The pleasure is mine, madame.

One purse, empty.

One vanity case...

But really, monsieur,

this isn't necessary.

Please, madame, I believe

in doing things correctly.

Shall we continue?

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