True Confessions of a Hollywood Starlet Page #2

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only gave me $500 for everything.

( chuckles )

( telephone rings )

Hello.

I cannot buy

a new wardrobe and shoes

for 500 freaking dollars.

$500 is a lot of money, Morgan.

Let's be reaI, Mom. Every time you walk

into a store, you spend double that.

That is so not the point. You've only

been in Fort Wayne for half a day.

- Why don't you trying fitting in?

- Thanks for calling me, by the way.

I figured you'd call me.

Which I just did to tell you

that I need more money.

No.

"No"? What do you mean "No"?

It's my money.

I earned it.

What the hell am I supposed

to do here?

- Figure it out.

- ( beeps )

She hung up on me.

I'm broke,

stranded in a flyover state,

with no stylist

and she hung up on me.

Then lunch is on me.

I think it's safe

to lose the sunglasses and hat.

Are you serious? I'll be signing

autographs for, like, an hour.

Cashier:

May I take your order?

- Do you have a carb-free burger?

- Nope.

How about anything

with a fat content under 20%?

No idea.

Okay.

I'll just have a garden salad.

Our salads have

sugar in them.

( clears throat )

Whatever,

I'll have a burger...

with everything on the side,

even the bun.

I don't have a button

for that.

Stan!

She wants a burger

with everything on the side,

including the bun.

We don't have

a button for that.

No one recognized me.

How insane is that?

Well, I guess your disguise

is working then, huh?

Where the hell

am I supposed to shop?

There.

I'd rather go naked.

Listen, while I totally

respect your taste

in shoes and clothes,

you're shopping like Morgan Carter.

- I am Morgan Carter.

- Claudia Miller might just

like Discount Darling.

( clears throat )

Claudia Miller did not love

Discount Darling

but, to my horror,

she did shop there.

And she has terrible taste.

- How's it going?

- It's going.

How long have you

been divorced again?

A year, why?

Are you hoping he'll come back

for his favorite shirts?

I forgot about these.

Morgan's voice:
Maybe someone

other than me is having issues.

So why did you get divorced?

- Rather not talk about it.

- Well, I'd rather not be here.

Well, then looks like

we're stuck then, eh?

I guess we are.

You know, you probably should

have gotten a backpack.

A backpack?

Actually, Claudia Miller

might carry a backpack

to go with her fugly shoes.

Have you ever been

to a reaI high schooI?

Does my starring role

in "She's the Bomb" count?

( chuckles ) No.

( growls )

How's that for luck?

The traffic's all backed up

And I'm 47 minutes late

What a great way

to start the day

Well, enough's enough

and now I'm all worked up

And my head's about

to explode

I'm freaking out

even though I know

I know there's only

so much I can do

There's only so much

I can say

There's only

so much I can be

At the end of the day...

Give it here, stupid.

Let me do it right.

- I was just trying to-

- Don't touch anything.

But we're supposed

to be partners.

Can I have a new partner?

Claudia Miller, I am transferring you

to freshman math.

Your geometry skills

are severely lacking.

So your homework is

to watch a lowbrow comedy

and then write an essay about

the elements that make it lowbrow-

Morgan's voice:
Did I mention

that this guy's a totaI wanker

complete with a fake accent

like the one Madonna got

after she became British?

he elements that give the genre

its characteristic traits,

like cinema verite,

something like that-

the plot,

the gags,

the slapstick.

Yes?

What exactly do you

consider lowbrow?

Anything by the

Farrelly brothers.

Yeah, they're definitely the kings

of gross-out humor

but haven't

they made an art of it?

Well, that would depend

on whether you consider

semen jokes art.

Wasn't there a time when Shakespeare

would have been considered lowbrow?

Yes, but that is theater.

Now you're essay should not

only include the elements-

I think I've heard

enough from you.

Let's give someone else

a chance.

Your essay should include-

where are you going?

- The bathroom.

- No. Sit.

No?

Class is almost over. Sit.

Morgan:
What the hell?

I need permission to go to the bathroom?

Okay.

Morgan's voice:

Starch starch

starch, grease.

Lunch in the cafeteria of doom.

Who eats this stuff?

$1.50.

Oh, I don't have money.

I mean, I have money.

I have lots of money,

but I just- can I sign for it?

Next!

GirI:

You are not wearing that!

GirI #2:
I am, too!

Morgan:
In the movies,

mean but beautifuI schooI princess,

usually played by me,

approaches the new girI

and says something like,

"Hey, you're new, right?"

Ominous music plays

and odds are that the new girI

is about the steaI the princess's

boyfriend or homecoming title.

Hey. I'm new.

Morgan:
In the reaI world,

no one talks to the new girI.

And you might as well

have written "new girI"

on my forehead

with a Sharpie.

She's delusionaI

and he is way too hot for her.

Morgan:

There's our princess now.

Excuse me.

Is this yours?

Where did you get this?

The floor.

GirI #3:

You're kidding me. For reaI?

GirI #4:

Okay, that was weird.

Who is she?

GirI #4:

No idea. I don't get it.

Morgan:

And the new girI strikes out again.

Let's go talk to her.

( clears throat ) Hey.

My mom would have killed me.

Thanks.

No problem.

And you are?

Claudia Miller, new girI.

I saw you this morning

in chemistry.

Yeah, my lab partner wants

to deport me.

Yeah, well, some people

aren't so friendly.

Morgan:

It was actually going pretty okay.

She was testing me,

and I was passing.

You think?

- Morgan's voice: And then...

- Where did you get those jeans

and those dorky shoes?

Were you dumpster diving?

Oh, no, I borrowed them

from your mother.

Watch your mouth,

welfare baby.

( students laughing, gasping )

Morgan:

And just like that,

me who wears and personally

knows Donatella Versace

was rejected for my clothes

and bad shoes.

No longer

in the starring role,

I had become

an extra in my own life,

and I needed a drink...

yesterday.

Morgan's voice:
In Los Angeles,

AA meetings are like

having lunch with your agent-

everybody does it.

It would be so much easier

to go inside if I had a drink first.

Which is why

you have to go inside.

Maybe we could just go

hang out somewhere instead.

- I gotta work.

- This is really what you do?

You spend your time alone

in empty offices watering plants?

Sometimes

I even speak to them.

What kind of

a lame career is that?

Okay, look, in the reaI world

there's this thing called a filter.

Use it before you speak.

Now go inside.

But what if someone

recognizes me, seriously?

I mean, I doubt for a minute

they'll honor the anonymous part.

They'll take out

their cell phones, take a picture-

Are you wearing panties?

Hey, I watch "Entertainment Tonight. "

You'll be fine.

Well, thanks for the help.

- Get me out of here.

- Sam:
Remember what we talked about.

Just pretend

you're playing a role.

I'm miscast.

Excuse me.

Cell phones aren't allowed in here.

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