Tucker and Dale vs Evil Page #3

Well, um...I just think that so many of the

major problems and conflicts in the world

are caused by a lack of communication,

you know?

- Yeah.

- And I just...

I just always thought that

I'd make a really good therapist.

No, don't! Don't!

Yeah, my parents say the same thing.

I should probably just give up.

No. I think you could do whatever you want.

It's just, that beam is a little bit rickety.

Yeah, you could have just

pushed that thing right over.

Hey, hey.

Oh, my God, Tucker,

what happened to your face?

I sawed into a bees' nest.

Why?

I didn't do it on purpose, you idiot.

I might have avoided it

if you were out there helping me!

Yeah.

We came out here to work...

not sit around playing stupid board games!

It was my fault, I...

I suckered him into playing.

No, that's not true. It was my fault.

How about I come over there

and pull those stingers out of your face?

Then I'll help you with whatever you want?

- All right, I'd like that. Thank you.

- OK.

Let me help.

Wow, they really did a number on you.

- Be careful. Be careful.

- They really got you.

Hi.

I saw your friend out there.

He must be allergic to bees or something,

because he was runnin' like a bat outta hell.

- I should go out there and find them...

- No, no! That's... No!

No, you need to rest,

so we'll go find your friends.

- But I can just...

- No. No buts, OK?

We'll go find your friends. You should relax.

Tucker and Dale are on the case.

Ain't that right, Tucker?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah. Good man. OK.

Dale, just...

just be careful, OK?

My friends can be kind of judgmental.

I'm gonna let Tucker

do most of the talking, anyway.

He can win over just about anybody,

can't you? Real people person.

OK, here we go.

You just relax, OK? Get some rest.

- They f***ing killed him, man.

- They left his body here as a message.

- Yeah, "Stay the f*** out of our woods."

- I can't believe this is happening.

Would you f***ing quit it with this thing?

It doesn't work out here!

We gotta get to the road

and try to catch a ride out of here.

We don't need a ride out of here.

Don't you get it?

This is what it's all about.

It's us against them.

Survival of the fittest!

What are you doing, man?

That's my whole face.

You have serious issues, you know that?

- Quick. Somebody's coming.

- Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t...

And the answer was, "isosceles triangle".

You know what that is?

Is it a triangle?

Yeah.

Tucker, you would have been proud of me.

A smart little college girl like that,

and I was beating the crap out of her.

- Dale.

- Yeah?

You beat the crap outta everybody.

There's something wrong with your brain.

I know. You keep telling me that.

Tell you what, when we get back I'll finish her

off real quick then we'll get back to work.

They're gonna kill her!

- Somebody was just here.

- Oh, yeah. It's a hatchet.

College kids!

- College kids!

- Say it again. Louder.

- College kids!

- Hey, college kids!

College kids!

I don't see 'em.

They must have run off.

Well, hmm... Maybe we could leave

them a note in case they come back.

All right. With what?

- Well, this'll work.

- All right. Please, hurry up.

- My face is as hot as a haemorrhoid.

- Yeah, you don't look so good. OK.

- Careful.

- I'm gonna have to etch it in.

Uh-huh, I got my cootie shot.

You think that girl is hot...

- Dale?

- Yeah? Huh...

- Did you guys find my friends?

- Uh, whoa.

Whoa.

- What?

- Huh? What?

Your friends? No, no.

Uh, we left them a note.

They should be by here any minute.

- What are you doing?

- Oh, I'm digging a shitter hole.

I'm digging a crap... crapper hole.

It's a...

It's a hole.

It's for the shithouse. Craphouse...

- Outhouse hole.

- An outhouse hole.

- Right. You mind if I help?

- What? No!

No, no, it's not work for a pretty...

for a girl like you. That's...

Oh.

I grew up on a farm.

It was either help out or get out.

That's a good rule.

Yeah. So I've done this before,

believe it or not.

Yeah.

You gonna help,

or just stand there staring at me?

- Uh... No, I'm gonna help. I'll just...

- I can't dig this on my own.

Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, you're doing a good job.

- Thank you.

That sick f***.

He's making her dig her own grave.

We don't have much time.

- Does everybody have their weapons?

- All set, man.

All right, you guys go around, get the guy

at the wood chipper. You take the big guy.

I'm gonna just chill right here.

OK, one more load and we're done.

Hey, come on, get out. Here.

Now!

Huh?

Oh, good, look, your friends are here. Hey!

Dale!

Oh, God!

Are you OK?

Allison, say something!

- Tucker! Tucker!

- Holy mother of God!

You'll never beli... What happened to you?

- Are you OK?

- What happened to me?

Some kid, he just hucked himself

right into the wood chipper!

- What?

- Headfirst right into the wood chipper!

From his shoes and pants, it looked like

it might have been one of the college kids.

What the hell happened to her?

She got knocked out and fell

in the shitter hole right next to me.

Is that your blood?

What? No.

No, it's college kid blood. One of them

suckers came running out of nowhere,

speared himself through the gut

and died right on top of me!

- Holy crap.

- I know!

Calm down. Don't cry.

- Calm down!

- OK.

Get a hold of yourself!

All right...

I know what this is.

- What?

- This is a suicide pact.

- It's a what?

- These kids are coming out here,

- and killing themselves all over the woods.

- My God, that makes so much sense.

Holy sh*t. We have got to hide

all of the sharp objects!

You know what else?

I think they're trying to kill her, too.

Yeah. Think about it.

That's why they acted so funny after

we saved her, because they want her dead.

- Why?

- I don't know. I don't know.

It's good that you and I don't know -

if we knew they'd want to kill us, too.

Yeah, that's a good point.

OK, so what... what do we...

We go to the police?

- Call the police?

- Yeah.

- And tell 'em what?

- Uh...we'll tell 'em what happened.

That's a good idea, Dale.

"Oh, hidey-ho, Officer.

We've had a doozy of a day.

"There we were, minding our own business,

doing some chores around the house,

"when kids started killing themselves

all over my property."

Well, that's what happened, Tucker!

You would have to be a moron

to believe that, Dale.

It doesn't matter what happened. What

matters is what looks like what happened.

And what looks like what happened...

is pretty nasty.

So what the hell do we do?

We gotta clean this mess up.

- Right now.

- OK.

You shouldn't be smoking anyway, Chloe.

It's not good for you.

F***ing dying isn't good for you, either,

but that doesn't

seem to be stopping anybody!

We gotta get out of here. I mean,

what the hell are we still doing here?

How are we gonna get outta here?

Dickwad over here sent Chuck off

with the truck!

Well, then let's walk.

- 40 miles?

- You should have thought of that

- before you wore your stripper shoes.

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