Tucker and Dale vs Evil Page #4

- Will y'all just shut up?

Listen, we gotta work together, OK?

We never should've come out here.

Whose stupid idea was this?

Chad!

You guys are all a bunch of

f***ing pussies, you know that?

I mean, a few little tiny murders...

and everyone just freaks out.

But do you know how lucky you all are, huh?

- Huh?

- What the f*** are you talking about, man?

How many people do you think

get a chance for something like this?

- The chance to die?

- The chance to live.

To be free from people always

telling you what you can and can't do.

There's no rules out here.

It's us against them.

And if you don't think

you can handle that, well...

maybe you deserve to die.

That's f***ed up.

Shh. Y'all hear that?

Chuck got the police!

Come on, you guys, let's go!

No, you don't need the f***ing cops!

The cops aren't gonna help us, man.

Don't you f***ing idiots know anything?

F***.

Now, don't you worry.

Your friends are probably fine.

Probably just a little misunderstanding,

that's all.

Oh, God! Look out!

- Help us! Help us!

- Chloe?

They're dead!

They died!

Slow down, now.

- They killed them!

- OK.

Stay calm. Well, why don't you kids climb

in the back seat, and we'll go have a look?

Those stupid fucks.

I don't think

I have the stomach for this, Tuck.

I know.

He's jammed in there pretty good.

- The store better not charge me for this!

- Yup.

All right, look, I'm gonna wedge it from

that side, and you pull him out on three.

- OK.

- All right?

One. Two. Three!

Argh!

- Oh, Tuck! Oh, take it off! Take it off me!

- OK, help me get it off.

Get it off me. Not on the face!

Oh! I'm gonna barf.

You're OK, you're OK.

- Here, grab a leg. Grab a leg.

- OK.

Get him over to the truck.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

- He's heavy for half a guy.

- Oh, God.

Oh, sh*t.

- Let me do the talking.

- That's a good idea.

You kids stay put.

I'll handle this.

Hey.

Hello, Officer.

- Good to see you again.

- Yeah.

- We have had a doozy of a day.

- A real doozy.

- Uh, there we were...

- Yup.

- minding our own business...

- Yup.

- making improvements to my house...

- The new house.

..when, all of a sudden,

out of nowhere,

these kids started killing themselves

all over my property.

This one right here, he dove headfirst

right into the wood chipper,

the woody right back there.

There's another one up over there

who shoved a spear through his gullet.

Straight through.

I don't know how much experience

you've had with this,

- but we were scared shitless.

- Scared shitless.

You must think that I'm some

kind of moron to believe a story like that.

- No...

- Oh, no.

- No, sir.

- Not a moron, just...open-minded.

Let me get this straight, cos I'm having

trouble understanding something.

- What?

- You say you were just working,

when this...kid...ran up and stuffed

his head into that wood chipper?

- That's a fact.

- That is a fact.

And I think maybe they might be trying

to kill the girl that we have inside.

- What girl?

- You know what?

She can maybe explain

the whole thing if, uh...

if I hadn't have knocked her

unconscious with a shovel.

- That's...

- On accident.

On accident.

You've got another one inside,

and you say she's unconscious?

- Yeah, she's in my bedroom.

- That's...

You better show me what you done with her.

- Right this way. Let's show him.

- OK, I'm gonna put this leg down.

Great idea.

Why don't you go and show him?

Wait, where is he going?

- No, don't go in there.

- Right this way, Sheriff.

What's he doing?

Why doesn't he f***ing arrest them?

Her eyes are equal, reactive to light.

- At least she's not braindead.

- Oh, thank God.

I told you boys to stay away from this place,

but you just didn't listen, did you?

Now, you're looking at least two counts

of involuntary manslaughter,

but you'd be lucky to get that.

Officer, do we look like

a couple of psycho killers to you?

Well, it's...

it's hard to say.

Looks can be deceiving.

Oh, don't!

Sheriff! You OK?

Oh, sh*t!

Come on!

What is going on?

- How's he even walking, Tuck?

- He looks like he's gonna walk it off.

He's gonna be fine.

Don't worry, I got it.

It's Sher... Sher...

Oh, my God! They f***ing killed him!

Unlock the door!

God damn it, Tucker!

I told you we should have fixed that beam!

You are not putting this on me!

Do you understand me? This is your fault.

In there playing board games

with that little girl when I'm out working!

Unlock the f***ing door!

If you hadn't been playing

board games with that little girl inside,

we would have had

a little more time to fix the beam!

Heads up.

- F*** you, you motherfuckers!

- No, no, no!

Oh, you got to take

the safety off on the side there.

Don't do...

Jesus! Oh, God!

You've got to start being more careful!

I don't think he understands!

Om.

"You gotta take the safety off"?

You're something, Dale. None of this

would have happened if it wasn't for you!

- What?

- That's right!

For being such a goddamn Good Samaritan!

"My God, she's drowning, Tucker.

- "Oh, let's save her." Hell!

- Well, at least she's still alive.

- Oh, halle-f***in'-lujah!

- Don't you dare blame this on her!

I'm not blaming this on her,

I'm blaming this on you!

Well, you know what, Tucker?

None of this would have happened

if we hadn't have gone fishin'!

- That isn't even an option.

- I don't even like fishin'!

You don't like...

- What do you mean, you don't like fishin'?

- I-I mean...

I like... I like it OK.

You know... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Tucker.

Did I hurt your feelings? I'm sorry.

Yeah, you kinda did.

Cut it out!

Tucker...

where's Jangers?

- Sh*t.

- Stay here.

Aah! Damn.

Nuts...

Hey, hillbilly! Your move.

Oh, son of a b*tch!

- They got my dog.

- Sh*t!

We gotta do something.

- Did you bring that nail gun in here?

- Yeah. Why?

Stay low. Stay low to the ground.

Keep your hat!

Oh.

All right.

- Cover me.

- Uh...

I ain't never shot at nobody before.

If it helps,

think of 'em like moving two-by-fours.

Whoa!

- Whoa!

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Now, you create a distraction.

I'm gonna go out the back door.

- And, Dale...

- Yeah.

Try not to shoot me.

- OK, I'll try.

- All right.

- What the f*** is taking so long?

- I don't know.

Hey, college kids! You want some of this?

Ha-ha! You like that, college kids?

How's that taste?

I got plenty more where that came from!

Bunch of freaks!

Sh*t!

Jesus, Dale.

Take it easy.

Hey, hillbilly!

You shoot at us again, and your dog's dead!

If you kill my dog,

I swear to God, I'll get really mad!

Then bring out the girl!

I'm gonna shoot your dog!

I'm gonna get really mad!

I'll get really mad!

Go home. Go!

No, you're going the wrong way, shithead!

Oh!

It is a beautiful day for a run, isn't it?

Oh, God. Please, no.

Are we done yet?

I don't know, Naomi, is it covered?

We may only get one chance at this.

All right...trap's set.

Hey...he's awake.

What the hell is wrong with you kids?

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