Tucker and Dale vs Evil Page #6

by hillbillies just like him.

It was 20 years ago.

The Memorial Day Massacre.

They brutally murdered everyone.

Just for fun.

My mother ran for her life.

But they captured hen.

My father was helpless...

and he didn't even know

that she was pregnant with me yet.

And they forced him to watch...

while they tortured hen.

But my mom, she fought back...

..and she escaped.

But my father wasn't so lucky.

His body was never found.

By the time I was born...

my mother was already institutionalized.

I grew up hearing that story

from my grandmother.

OK. Um...

Thank you for sharing with us, Chad.

- No, I'm not going in there!

- Hey, hey, hey.

Now, Chad said if they were

gone longer than 15 minutes,

we come in, guns blazing.

- But you don't even have a gun.

- Damn it, woman! Don't argue with me!

Are they drinking tea? Oh!

I would totally love a cup of tea right now.

No!

No way.

They're f***ing trapped.

Oh...yeah.

Now, come on, we gotta do something.

It's your turn.

OK, well...

First of all...

I am really sorry

that your family got massacred.

That is awful.

Secondly...

I didn't have anything to do with that, OK?

I mean, I would have been six years old

at the time, so...

It may not have been you,

but it was definitely your kind.

My kind? Now, hey, I can't even hurt a fish,

can I, Tucker? I can't even hurt fish.

That's right.

He can't even hurt a fish.

I just can't do it!

OK. S-So now that you've both

expressed your side of the story,

how do you feel?

I feel better. I feel...

I feel like a weight... Yeah, I feel good.

Great. OK.

We're really making good progress.

It's show time, freaks!

Jason! No!

Jesus Christ!

Oh, sh*t, baby! Why didn't you duck?

Why didn't she duck?

Chad, st...

Get him, Tucker!

Dale!

Go back to hell where you belong, freak!

- Oh, sh*t!

- Whoa!

Sh*t! Chad, what the f***?

- Be calm. It's just the leg.

- Stop and roll.

- I'm on fire!

- No, don't use that.

Aargh!

Aargh!

Stop, drop, and roll!

- Get away from him!

- Stomp it out!

He's crackling like a log!

Oh, that stinks.

- Oh, sh*t!

- I knew I shoulda moved that.

Allie, run!

Run!

Come on, let's go!

Help me!

Get off of me, you nasty b*tch!

My cabin.

Your cabin.

I'm a terrible therapist.

What? No, that's not true.

Don't say that.

I thought you did a great job in there.

- Really?

- Yeah, really.

I think we were

on the verge of a breakthrough.

Thanks, Dale. That's really sweet.

- Uh, guys?

- Yeah.

I think we should go

to the pickup truck right now.

Wait. Maybe we should help him.

- Argh!

- Never mind. Let's just go.

Get to the truck!

Tucker! Tucker!

He's coming!

- OK, come on, truck. Come on, truck.

- Come on, Dale. Go, go!

- Do not flood it.

- Do you wanna drive?!

- Guys, just go!

- Be careful with this.

This is the only thing I got left.

Go.

Oh!

Crazy college kid can't catch us now!

- Dale, look out!

- Huh?

Jangers, not now, boy.

Jangers, hey!

Whoa. Jangers!

Allie.

Allison!

Jangers... Allison!

She's gone.

What the hell... Tucker?

Tucker, what happened?

Tucker, what hap...

He took her.

I tried to stop him.

Whoa, take it easy.

I tell you something, Dale.

It's gonna be a long time

before I take a vacation again.

Oh, sh*t. Tucker, this is all my fault.

- Look at you.

- Nah.

I never should have talked to Allison.

You were right.

People like me and people like her

just don't mix.

- That's not true.

- It is true!

I never should have even

came out here with you.

Listen to me.

Do you remember when we was kids...

and we used to go catch frogs

down at that creek?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess I do.

Remember how we used to compete

to see who could catch more?

Yeah, but I don't think now's

the time to talk about it, Tucker.

And I used to tell you that I let you catch

more than me because I felt sorry for you.

I remember you used

to let me lick 'em all, too.

That always made me feel kinda funny.

Yeah. Well, the thing is...

I didn't let you catch more.

You caught 'em on your own.

You was quicker than I was.

- Come on, Tucker.

- It's true.

What I'm trying to tell you...

is that you're better than you think you are.

Listen to me. That girl sees it.

I've seen the way that the two of you

look at each other.

You know, I think that she...

really sees you for who you are.

Who knows?

Maybe after this is all done...

you two can...

.date or something.

- I doubt it.

- Dude, that's what I'm talking about.

I don't want any more negativity.

- OK.

- Stop it!

- OK.

- You are a good man.

You're smart...

and you're strong...

and you're not as ugly

as you think you are.

Thank you, Tucker.

That means a lot comin' from you.

- Life is short.

- I know.

You gotta go after what you want.

Go after her, Dale.

She needs you now more than ever,

especially cos she's always falling down

and hitting her head, knocking herself out.

- But I don't even know where he took her.

- Jangers'll know.

- OK, but I'm not leaving you here.

- No, no, no.

I'll be fine. Go.

- Friends forever?

- Best friends forever.

Oh, Jesus!

- God! F***...

- I'm sorry.

OK.

That hurt very much!

I could tell. Just breathe in.

Out through your mouth.

Go get her. Go get her.

- Do me a favour.

- Anything.

Kick the sh*t out of that little

college d*ckhead for me, would you?

I'm gonna shove my boot down

his f***in' throat. You stay here, OK?

Come on, Jangers, let's go.

Good boy, Jangers. Good boy.

OK. (Pants) You gotta let me

take it from here, OK, pup?

Don't worry about me.

I know what I'm doing.

More or less. OK, stay.

What is the matter with you?

What is the matter with me?

Do you have any idea what

I've been through trying to save you?

No.

You've gone hillbilly on me, Allison.

Now, I'm willing to forgive you...

but you're gonna have to beg.

Chad...

Oh!

That was just not a very nice apology kiss.

You see, we're making up, Allie,

so you have to be

more passionate than that!

- Chad, please...

- That's a start.

- Please...

- You're getting warmer.

Just stop, please!

No. I'm not gonna stop.

I've only just begun.

You want a killer hillbilly?

I'll show you a killer hillbilly.

Allie! Allie! Hey, it's just me. Hey...

- It's OK.

- Dale?

- Yeah.

- What are you wearing?

What? Oh, I thought it might look

kind of intimidating. Does it?

- Yeah.

- Sweet.

Dale, you wanna...

you wanna help me here?

Oh, yeah. Hang on, I'm comin'.

Hang on.

- OK, what do we got here?

- Thank you for coming for me.

It's no big deal.

I was headed over this way anyway, so...

How sweet.

The dim-witted hillbilly

is trying to save the girl of his dreams.

What kind of knot is this?

You think you're gonna win,

but you're wrong.

It's time to say goodbye to the girl.

You shouldn't have betrayed me, Allison.

No. Oh, jeez. No, no!

- Oh, Dale! Dale!

- OK. OK.

- OK, OK.

- Dale!

Hold on! OK, rabbit comes out the tree,

rabbit goes around the tree...

- Dale, come on!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes