Twin Town Page #3

Or in a hammock.

Chuck us that chutney, eh.

Babes!

Hello, Dad.

I got you a bottle of Isotonic...

clean pants, and a Wispa.

- Express?

- Evening Post.

You're on page page.

It's a lovely picture.

The SS are gonna love that.

What the specialist say Dad?

He said the leg is more

complicated than he thought.

But he'll live.

And if I don't,

I've told the boys what I want.

He wants to be buried at f***ing sea.

With a Welsh flag and a big choir

singing as I go down.

I won't tell him again.

Sea burials are illegal.

- You won't listen to me.

- God bless him.

He wants to be dumped in the

water with his little submarine.

Adie, he can't, because you

need special permission and...

special coffins that cost a fortune.

There's nothing wrong

with cremation.

- Have you heard from Cartwright?

- Of course I haven't.

We'll go and see him.

Don't get any funny ideas

about Bryn Cartwright.

- He'd have you for breakfast.

- Maybe we'll have him for breakfast.

What are you two shitheads gonna do?

- Gonna let his f***ing tires down?

- Oy! Language.

Look it's the coppers.

F***ers!

What is it with you f***ing kids!

Evening all.

Very funny, Dai.

- You should be on the stage.

- We will be tomorrow.

- You coming to the semis?

- Barons Karaoke?

Grab a f***ing granny.

You should be alright then, Terry.

You hear about Fatty's leg?

It's f***ing f***ed.

Swinging off ladders at his age.

About time he called it a day.

- I wish his twins would.

- Twins were up here earlier.

- F***ing headers.

- What were they driving?

A black kit car.

AC f***ing Cobra.

You know, like a copy type of thing.

- Flash as f***.

- Not a two tone 525?

No, f***ing Cobra.

- Hell of a f***ing bonnet on it.

- Drove through the whole pitch.

So it wasn't a two tone 525 then?

You know the difference between...

a 525 and a f***ing AC Cobra?

Course I f***ing do, man!

One's got a roof and

the other f***ing haven't.

Twins were in a f***ing AC Cobra.

Two tone 525 took a lump

out of Terry's 635 this morning.

Whole wing.

Joy riders.

Terry was very upset.

You sure it was a two tone 525?

I don't know the difference

between a 525 and a Cobra?

No.

You having a f***ing laugh

then, Dai?

I'm not having a f***ing laugh.

Just the two tone 525, could

have been a 523 or a 528.

- You might have made a mistake.

- I don't mistake shapes Dai.

It was a two tone 525 and if it was

the Lewis twins behind the wheel...

I'm gonna take their

f***ing heads off.

See, the 520 looks a bit like

the old Fiat 132, and all.

- Prick.

- Let's sort this sherbet out.

- You buying expensive, Dai.

- I'm sorting some stuff out.

- Charlie, is it?

- Shut up you twat.

Two lines of that and you'll be

in the Betty f***ing Ford, Dai.

Immaculate.

That is rock and roll.

F***ing lovely that.

- Greyo?

- Not for me. I just sell the stuff.

Terry give me a line man.

F***ing hurry up then, right?

- That's my note, Terry.

- What?

My note. It's my note.

The 20.

What are you talking about?

That's my f***ing 20.

My f***ing throat's numb.

- It's his note Terry.

- Don't f*** about. It's my note.

- Give it back to him.

- It's my f***ing 20!

Cut it out the pair of you.

Give it back Terry.

Have it then you prick.

You're the f***ing prick.

Always were.

What the f*** has got into you?

What time does it start tonight?

Course I've been practicing.

Have you been thinking about me?

Of course I do.

What! Not here.

I'm in the hall.

Dad's here.

You're terrible, you are?

No.

I just got out of the bath.

Nothing.

Go on then.

I am.

Where's your hand?

Go on.

So am I.

I better go.

There's someone at the door.

I'll see you later, yeah?

Bye.

Me too.

Alright?

- What?

- Is Bryn in?

- Dad!

- Yes?

- Fatty's boys are at the door.

- Who?

The Lewises.

- Who?

- Fatty's boys!

- Yeah?

- Well?

- What?

- Fatty. Leg. Crack.

- Insurance.

- Insurance?

Your father was working for himself,

doing a little a little hobble.

If he goes chucking himself

off the roof, that's his problem.

He knows the crack.

"Insurance", Jesus.

You're off your trolleys man.

- F***ing compensation then.

- Compensation now?

- And the mess you made of my pitch?

- And Fatty's f***ing leg?

If Fatty Lewis sent you over here

with all this compensation bollocks...

he's a bigger twat than I thought.

Do me a favor boys.

- I got a race to get on with.

- Giving him f*** all then, is it?

Now hang on Bonzo.

Actually I quite like the old prick.

Though how he managed to use his

little cock to create a couple of...

knobheads like you two is beyond me.

Look...

here's 20 quid.

Now buy yourselves

a nice big tin of sticky-sticky.

And f*** off back to naughtyland.

Fergie, come on.

- Who was that?

- A pair of lard heads.

- What did they want?

- After money.

Fatty Lewis' boys, after money.

- After money?

- Yeah.

- Is he out of hospital then?

- Out of his head, if you ask me.

Sending those two over

here for compo.

You could give them something, send

something to the hospital, you know.

Yeah, a bill for wasting

my f***ing time, that's what.

You could send him something,

couldn't you?

I'll send him a little

f***ing something!

Look, I resent getting bunny

from those two, alright.

Thinking of their father, I am.

That's all, thinking of him.

Well f*** 'em. F*** them all.

Don't you f***ing start.

- I'm not starting.

- Well don't then.

- I'm not.

- Well f***ing don't!

Oh sh*t!

Full massage, ten pounds.

Full massage

with full relief, 15.

Hand relief,

top exposed, 20.

Oral, 25.

Oral and all-in, 45.

Or we can talk about any combination

or dressing up, as you fancy.

What can I have for 20 again?

20 pounds?

Top exposed, hand relief.

- Tits and hand shandy, is it love?

- Right. Go ahead you.

Righto then, Ivor.

Bon voyage.

- How's that boy?

- Marvelous, go on.

Hitting the spot?

Jesus Christ.

It's Pinky and Perky.

- Which one's which?

- I give in. You all look alike.

Adie, two pork chops

are never the same.

- What like butter and margarine?

- Exactly, you can always tell.

Don't forget your inhaler.

Cup of tea boys?

- Or a bit of executive relief?

- I can't decide.

You haven't seen those lovely

twins of yours in the last 24 hours?

- They're not twins. They're brothers.

- Why they called twins then?

Because my mother was very big in

pregnancy and only one came out.

She had to wait another three years

for the other little bastard.

So we call them twins, right?

They're out of order with all

this driving malarkey, Adie.

Somebody's gonna get hurt.

Well send them off to a nice little

remand center for 15 years.

- Do us all a f***ing favor.

- Adie, driving cars that don't...

belong to them at 90 mph on the

wrong side of the road...

is starting to take the f***ing piss.

- Well f***ing nick 'em then.

- They're not worth nicking.

What were they driving

the night before last?

Now, let me see...

Night before last?

Oh yes, of course.

They were playing bridge...

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