Twin Town Page #4

at Black Hills Country club.

So it must have been pillar

box red Lamborghini Countache.

Tell them they're in line for

the biggest kicking from any copper...

that catches them at the wheel

of the next f***ing motor.

Adie, have a word, that's all.

They're riding for a fall.

- Bit of advice. Ok?

- Thanks.

Maybe you could give 'em a little

apprenticeship on the force.

- They could learn a lot from you.

- 50.

Sorry to hear about Fatty's accident.

Send him my regards.

I will.

Touch my nipple, darling.

- See you again, Sid?

- Yeah.

What you doing tonight?

- Very f***ing ambitious.

- All I said...

- "What are you doing tonight?"

- Rollerblading with Kaenu Reeves.

What have you got in mind, Terry?

Two tickets to the policeman's ball?

I'll have the full monty.

Now.

Flash and flush.

I like your style.

Hang on to the receipt.

You can claim it on your expenses.

Right then.

F*** of the month coming up.

Madeleine.

Take Mr. Walsh through.

All-in 50.

Ta-ta, Terry.

Break a leg.

Or a neck.

I don't want her.

I want you.

Terry, I don't f*** bent coppers.

And anyway,

I'm just the receptionist.

"When you're alone and life

is making you low..."

"you can always go..."

"downtown."

"When you got worries,

all thenoise..."

"and the hurries, to help I know."

"Downtown."

"Don't hang around,

let your problems surround..."

"there are movie shows,

downtown."

"Maybe you know some little places

you go where they never close..."

"downtown."

"Just listen to the rhythm

of the gentle bossa nova."

"You'll be dancing with them too

before the night is over."

"Happy again."

"The lights are much brighter.

You can forget your troubles."

"Forget all your cares,

downtown."

"Things will be great

when you're downtown."

"Don't wait a minute more,

downtown."

"Everything's waiting for you."

"Downtown."

Thank you!

Thank you.

Big hand for Chip on backing vocals.

He's a lovely boy from Penclawdd.

And if any of you girls are feeling

Hungry, he's a tasty geezer.

I suppose a shag

is out of the question, is it?

- No f***ing chance.

- Out.

- What do you mean out?

- He means not f***ing in.

- Why not?

- There's why not.

- Out.

- Come on man.

- No jeans.

- They're not jeans, they're cords.

- No polo necks.

- It's a f***ing roll top.

It's a f***ing polo neck.

It doubles as a roll top.

- It's not a proper polo top.

- Look, you can turn them down.

- It's a polo neck. Now f*** off.

- I'm gonna say it once more: Out!

F*** off!

- You got it?

- Yeah.

- Any problems?

- No.

- What about Greyo?

- He's not interested.

- He know who you're dealing with?

- No.

Good. Keep it that way.

You work for me now, alright?

Ok.

What about the gear?

Bring it up to the club and

we'll talk at the weekend.

Oy Dai, here.

Come on.

- Where's my little treasure?

- She's next up Brynn.

We've got a good shout tonight.

I'll see you later gorgeous.

- Lovely voice on her, mind.

- Lovely arse more like.

You lay your hands on it,

I'll chop your tackle off.

- I'm old enough to be her father.

- Exactly.

Listen, we're having curry out

at the Taj later now, right?

And later a little party back

at the Ponderosa after.

Celebration like. Little drinky

winky type of thing, ok?

50 nicker says my Bonny wins

the semi-finals. Huh?

Cheers, Bryn. Tidy.

Taking a bung, Dai?

That's a criminal offense.

Half a lager says you didn't

see a thing, right?

As they say in Landow,

Ciao for now.

You can't be serious, Greyo.

She's a hooker.

I know and I'm a scrum half.

- Didn't think you had to pay for it.

- We all have to pay for it, Lucy.

- I wouldn't dream of charging you.

- Thanks.

She loves me...

she loves me not.

She loves me...

she loves me not.

She loves me...

she loves me not.

Come on!

Let's hear it for the Rocking Sikh.

Or as he's known at the chiropodist,

"The Reeking Sock"!

Magic, magic, magic!

Now our last but one contestant

is a lovely girl from the Mumbles.

Before any of you get

the wrong idea...

she's a black belt in Karaoke!

She's a lovely girl and she's gonna

sing a karaoke corker tonight:

"I will survive."

A big Barons welcome

for Bonny Cartwright!

"At first I was afraid,

I was petrified."

"Kept thinking I could never live

without you by my side."

"Then I spent so many nights..."

"thinking how you'd done me wrong."

"And I grew strong

and learned how to get along."

"And now you're back..."

"from outer space."

"I just walked in to find you

with that look upon your face."

"I should have changed

that stupid lock."

"I should have made you

leave you're key."

"If I'd known for just one second

you'd be back to bother me."

"Oh no, now go.

Walk out the door."

- Just turn around...

- Chip!

"You're not welcome anymore."

She loves me...

she loves me not.

She f***ing loves me boys!

I wish I was dead.

They lay a finger on you love

and they will be dead.

Bastards.

Rip their shitty nappies off and

stuff 'em up their arses.

I'll stretch their necks like

Pigeons, put their balls in a mincer.

I feel sick.

- Alright, leave it now.

- Jesus!

You can't say leave it Brynn.

For Christ sakes, they peed on her.

Don't talk like that in a restaurant.

Forget about them.

- We'll have a nice supper.

- I'll cut their willies off!

We'll have a bottle of Barollo,

and forget all about it.

I was born under a Swansea star!

Nice to see all the family

together Mrs. Cartwright.

I heard Barons went a bit bonkers.

- Yeah.

- Ready to order?

We'll have a nice bottle of wine

to start off if you don't mind.

Bryn.

- Bryn.

- What?

- Order.

- On chicken jalfrazi balti...

half chips, half rice.

Two onion bajis.

Three nans and a grandpa.

- I was born!

- Where was you born?

Under a Swansea star!

You're a hell of a boyo,

Mr. Cartwright.

Listen I think I've left

the car lights on.

Think I bloody better check.

Ranjid, give 'em the f***ing works,

this one's on me.

Party back at the Ponderosa after.

You are coming, right?

Bring me Missus.

These boots were made for kicking!

Trains are made to wreck!

And if I see a rabbit,

I'll break it's f***ing neck!

Won't be needing another slash

in a f***ing hurry, boys.

You pull anymore strokes like that

and I'll drown the pair of you...

like a couple of f***ing kittens.

It's a f***ing shed.

It's not a shed.

It's my vacation home.

Well you better get your

holiday pay out then.

Bryn, mix 'em a martini.

Do you like Cappodimonte, Chip?

Cappodimonte?

I've never tasted it Brynn.

Never tasted it!

Lovely f***ing guy Alec,

F***ing Tom Cruise he was.

He'd lob the bottles up in the air

like a juggler, unbelievable!

We got photos.

Hey Lucy!

Where's the photos of Florida?

Show the boys that bloke in the bar.

They're upstairs,

the photos are upstairs.

Well go and get them

like a good girl.

- You looked great tonight.

- So did you.

- Do you think I would've won?

- In my book, you're in another class.

Different league.

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