Two for the Road Page #4

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you are, I like you.

Will you hate me

when I'm bow-fronted?

Undoubtedly.

Will you be unfaithful to me?

Blatantly.

No!

You promised I could.

You promised you wouldn't.

When we got married.

Would you mind undoing

what you did?

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Aren't you coming to bed?

Tired?

No.

I won't be long.

Shall I call your secretary

to make an appointment?

When did you start being

as snide as this?

After we got married,

didn't I?

Did we get married?

Yep.

Remember? When sex

stopped being fun.

Yeah, and started being official.

Yeah, I remember.

I think that lovely lake

breeds lovely mosquitoes.

I'll close the window.

We'll suffocate.

We'll have to pretend

they don't exist.

All right.

Good night.

Good night, little mother.

Mark...

They do exist.

No, they don't.

They do.

I have an idea.

Sleep well?

Very well. I had a dreamy dream.

Tell me the worst.

I dreamt you built us

a beautiful Wallace designed house.

And I built us a beautiful

Wallace designed triplets.

All we need right now

is a population explosion.

"Entrez. "

You did not need

the mosquito net?

We managed without.

No breakfast?

Religious reasons.

We've got to get out.

This self-denial's killing me.

I'm sorry you weren't able

to sample our restaurant last night.

So are we.

It was religious reasons.

Particularly when we have to charge

you an all inclusive price.

I beg your pardon?

High season, our price includes

dinner and breakfast always.

Always.

Thank you.

I think the Inspector

is waiting for you outside.

Inspector?

Concerning the expenses

for the fire brigade.

We'll see you again, I hope.

"Merci. "

What's the French for,

"Inspector, I don't believe you

and you're not going to get

a penny"?

"Oui, Monsieur".

"Oui, Monsieur".

"Plus 30000 francs. "

"Oui, Monsieur".

"Et 5000 plus 2500,

plus 2500."

"2500.

C'est tout. "

"C'est tout?"

"C'est tout. "

"Et 1000 francs taxe. "

Tax?

Tax on what?

"Quel taxe, Monsieur I'Inspecteur?"

"Taxe sur 42500 francs, Madame. "

"1000 francs?"

"Pourquoi 1000 francs

sur 42000?"

"Le taxe. "

"Pourquoi 1000?"

"1000 francs de taxe, Madame. "

This is literally a highway robbery.

This is a highway robbery.

Don't lose your temper.

I'm not losing my temper!

"Et 1000 francs

pour la faire enlever. "

Dispose of the wreck.

"Nous la ferons enlever... "

"Pour la mettre o?"

Where?

Quelque place ou autre...

Come on, Jo.

All right, think I'm deaf.

I can hear you.

Look!

"Vous tes fou, ou quoi?

Vous tes malade. "

Well, we disposed of it.

"Qui c'est qui va me payer, moi?

Parce que les assurances...

les assurances,

elles sont jamais presses. "

"J'ai un hangar qui a brl,

j'ai toujours pas t rembours. "

"Un hangar comme a,

on ne va pas m'en faire cadeau. "

"D'autant plus que c'est dangereux.

Ils auraient pu tuer quelqu'un. "

a, a suffit peine.

"C'est pas croyable

d'tre aussi maladroit!"

"Bon, j'essayerai de m'arranger

avec a, mais... "

This is the life.

He let me down

quite disgracefully.

So I'm looking for an architect.

My husband is an architect.

So you put up buildings

as well as knocking them down?

He doesn't have a minute to spare.

What about now?

He has a minute to spare.

Good, good.

We must talk.

I must tell you I'm in a corner.

Communist!

- Are you all right, honey?

- Yes.

Chantilly.

Isn't that in the guide book?

It could be.

Do let's stop.

I don't want Ruthie

to be late for her lunch today.

Yes, well it's off the main road.

I may as well warn you

before we get to Greece,

that the Acropolis

is off the main road.

Okay.

This is a democratic trip.

Really great to dawdle through

and old place like that.

Joanna, I have to thank you.

I thought you didn't like her,

Daddy.

- Ruthie...

- Of course I like her.

Then why did Mummy say she was

a suburban English nobody?

It's important to the future

of our quadripartite relationship

to get that remark

into a clear context.

I think it best for the future

of our quadripartite relationship

if we accepted the fact

that it has no future whatsoever.

Mark, please,

don't be too hasty.

We're through, Howard.

Those things took

a lot of arranging.

Listen to me. Try

and imagine how Joanna feels.

I can see how she feels.

She'll feel the whole trip's

been loused up because of her.

You're a complacent son of...

Abuse me if you want to.

I want to.

You're going to dominate her

out of existence.

I'm going to smash your face in.

That isn't a very adult attitude.

Marcus, please.

That's the phonograph.

Mark, please.

Come on, Joanna, darling.

You haven't asked her if

she wants to abandon the expedition.

Come on, baby.

That, if I may say so,

is a very revealing usage.

Calling her "baby" shows that

you're thinking and deciding for her.

I warn you solemnly, Marcus.

You're denying her the right

to be her own paradoxical self.

You're the largest pocket

of untapped natural gas known to man.

They haven't even opened yet.

What is it about?

Who knows?

What do people have rows about?

Money, sex...

Sex, money.

He wants,

she doesn't want.

She wants,

he doesn't want.

He thinks the counter

is in the wrong place.

Counter and display case.

It's very funny.

Yeah, that's marriage

for you.

That's marriage for them.

That's marriage. Full stop.

I'm allowed not to like Howard

and Cathy. They're my friends.

You didn't intend to enjoy the trip.

You were jealous of Cathy.

It's not my idea of bliss

travelling with three Manchester's.

You promised when we were married,

you'd always be happy.

Why can't you always

be happy?

Because I can't.

You broke your promise.

I am happy usually.

I love you, if that's any good.

That's not the issue.

If it isn't it should be.

You're right.

I'm right?

You're right.

Let's find a hotel.

At one o'clock?

What do we want a hotel for?

Let's find a hotel.

To hell with the Manchester's.

Mr., Mrs. And Miss.

In the future we travel alone

or not at all.

"My darling Joanna,

so far all goes well.

The car's nearly run in

and my patience nearly run out.

I miss you like mad.

I drove nearly all night

last night.

I couldn't face one of our hotels

without you with me.

I finally slept in the car

quite near where we buried

the old, burnt out M.G.

I wish to hell I hadn't had

to make the trip,

but I suppose what with

the house and Caroline,

it's just as well

that I've got some work.

At least this pays better

than corporation bus shelters.

And it's a lot more interesting,

let's face it.

I think about you all the time.

It's been an uneventful drag

so far.

It's a long dull road

when you're on your own.

All I care about

is getting down there,

and doing whatever has to be done

and getting back.

When I'm not being woken at three

in the morning I feel very paternal

and I miss you both

more than I can say.

Life's very flat.

I'll probably drive on overnight

and get down to the site

in the morning.

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