Two Night Stand Page #2

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I'm calling you a girl

who went over to a stranger's

house at midnight.

If only there was a word

for someone who does that.

Wow, you know what, screw you.

- That was a joke, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- You invited me here, just remember that.

That's not quite how it happened

but it doesn't matter.

Look, can we please just eat breakfast?

I make oatmeal with a little smiley face

made out of jelly,

and it's not slutty at all.

You know what, save your oatmeal.

I think I'm going to take off.

But thanks for having me, it was awesome

to get to know you. Have a nice life, Alex.

Okay, cool, well, I'm just going to

assume that time was on purpose,

'cause I told you my name is Alec

with a "C" like a dozen times.

It wasn't on purpose, but don't worry.

You just have a stupid name.

Okay, cool, well, bye.

It was lovely having sex with you!

I wish I could say the same.

Sounded like you had a

pretty good time last night.

You know what?

Don't believe everything you hear.

Especially when it's something like,

"Hey, Alec, cool name."

What is that? It sounds like

the first draft of a name!

- Okay, f*** you, Megan.

- F*** you, back.

Okay.

What?

Sh*t!

Imagine a sleeping little

angel-faced angel...

Okay, no, I'm the angel.

And this angel is being woken up

by a f***ing junkyard dog

in a hot-girl body!

Okay, and that's my morning.

Look, I can't... Mom.

I will call you back.

Hi there, it's Alec, right?

What is it, a little snow outside? Yeah?

Well, New Yorkers... I don't want

to say that you guys are pussies

but seriously, you should see what

a winter in Minnesota looks like.

I'll get you a cab.

Holy sh*t, that is a lot of snow!

Hey, folks, I hope you aren't planning

on going anywhere anytime soon

'cause let me tell you something,

it ain't going to happen, okay?

We are seeing record snowfalls!

This thing came in overnight and has

New York City in a total whiteout!

We're talking about tens of thousands

of stranded holiday travelers.

The entire city transit

system is shut down.

The streets have not even been plowed.

The mayor's office is urging

people to stay indoors

and to avoid all nonessential travel.

So get cozy, folks,

because it's going to be a long weekend.

Faiza, you have to do something,

I cannot stay here. This is the worst.

Sweetie, are you even watching the news?

There's nothing we can do.

See how nice this is?

This could be every day.

But Cedric's an EMT, can he like...

helicopter me out of here or something?

Is that Cedric?

Is Cedric laughing at me?

No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, just make the best of it

and we'll rescue you as soon

as we can, okay, I promise.

No, no, no, no, I would not be here

if you did not slut me out!

Sorry, I can't hear you.

What?

I think the snow is messing with the...

with the sat... satellite.

- Okay, bye.

- Bye.

Faiza!

Grab that ass!

This storm is literally going to dump

all over the Tristate area.

Three to five feet of snow, maybe more.

In the poconos and the catskills,

we're talking up to 12 feet of snow.

It's the biggest blizzard

in the history of the world.

This is what I deserve, it's penance.

Wow, that is officially the worst review

my oatmeal has ever received.

It's what I get for slutting it up.

So you really think God made this

blizzard to punish you for being slutty?

No, I don't think God did it.

That's ridiculous.

I think my grandmother did,

and I just don't know how.

Right, that makes sense.

Well, I would prefer not

to spend the next 24 hours

in an uncomfortable silence with you,

so why don't we just pretend that

we never had sex? It didn't happen.

And then we can pretend

that it's just the weather

and not your passive-aggressive

magical grandmother.

No, that's like trying to get the toothpaste

back into the tube... you can't do it.

It is out there.

I have seen your penis.

You've implied I'm a slut.

Those are big things.

Did you just call my penis big?

No, no, I did not. I called the

implication of your penis big.

Well, it's still nice to hear.

You can't just... erase the

fact that two people had sex.

I think you underestimate us.

Hi, I'm Alec.

I'm Megan.

Megan, it's very nice to meet you.

What do you do for a living?

Oh, Jesus, that...

that's what we're doing? No.

Seriously, already?

We just started. Okay.

We are monitoring the

situation very closely.

We're experiencing massive shutdowns

all over the Tristate area.

That includes Dutchess County,

Harlan County,

Bronson County, Middlebrook County...

Monmouth County...

Wow, how the time flies.

Poughkeepsie... Montauk...

Bing... Bing... Binghamton,

New Paltz.

New Paltz.

What's the capital of New York?

All right, we'll try again,

but there are rules.

No upsetting questions.

- I didn't realize it was one.

- Well, now you do.

Okay, I am trying very hard

to think of a question

that could in no way be

construed as upsetting.

Do you like dogs?

Perfectly non-upsetting question,

good job... yes. I like dogs.

Me too.

I have to use the restroom.

That's allowed. That's allowed.

What?

Damaged?

You don't know me.

Do you... possibly have headphones?

Thank you.

- Megan?

- What happened?

What happened, you happened.

What is that?

God!

Don't worry about it,

I'll take care of it.

No, no, no, no, you just... you step away,

you are not cleaning that up.

You will just hold it over my head,

go to your room.

I can handle this.

Gross.

Cold and gross.

- It just keeps coming.

- Hey, you gotta turn the knob!

No, I mean the punishments

from the universe.

It's a flood, it's practically biblical.

- Where the f*** is your plunger?

- It should be right next to the...

Sh*t, I let my buddy

borrow my plunger, dammit.

That's why you never let your

friends borrow plungers.

There's like a thousand reasons.

Look, just shut the door.

I'll deal with it later.

Hey, I just thought of an idea

that could fix everything.

Do you want to get high?

Yeah, me neither, that was just a test.

Didn't know if you were a cop.

Yep, I'm going to do it, I'm going to

get high. You don't care, do you?

Your apartment.

I'm warning you though,

you're about to think that I'm really cool.

My buddy made it. I don't know if you

can tell, but he smokes a lot of pot.

- I try to encourage his creativity.

- No, I think it fits you.

Sorry, I'd open a window,

but, you know...

It is a mystery why you

don't have a girlfriend.

Hey, I'm a catch.

I'll bet you 150 bucks

you're going to die alone.

Well, my future smoking-hot widow

will gladly accept your money.

Hey, I'm just saying, you could afford

to take the edge off a little bit.

It could be good for you.

You should embrace it.

I've gotten high before.

Not with me.

Fine.

It better make you funnier.

Yeah, smoke that sh*t.

So earlier you asked what I did for

a living and I kinda got a little feisty.

You, feisty? Can't picture it.

Well, the answer is...

I am less-than-employed at the moment.

I don't do anything.

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