Two Night Stand Page #3

---

See, last year I was able to say,

"I'm a premed student,"

which sounds kind of impressive, right?

But then I graduated and I'm

not allowed to say it anymore.

- I think your profile said premed student.

- Yeah, no, I just haven't changed it yet.

Didn't you make the profile

like two days ago? That's weird.

- What is this, like an interrogation?

- You got something to hide?

No, I just...

I think I'm just in that limbo phase.

It's not like your degree

has instructions on it.

Well... boom! Home run,

twins win the world series!

Well, your degree did say premed,

so you would think

something follows that.

What was that?

So...

Why did you major in premed if you

didn't want to go into medicine?

I always thought I'd change it,

but then I graduated.

- Wait, how does that happen?

- Easier than you would think.

- What do you do for a living?

- I work at a bank.

Fancy. Banking.

No, just bank. I'm an assistant manager.

How does someone like you get

into something that's so...

- Wildly exciting?

- Yes.

Yes. I don't know, I mean, you know,

like, when you're 17 and...

you just want to get out there and show the

world everything that you have to offer,

because you have all this stuff to say?

I don't know what that feels like.

I don't know. I never felt like

I needed a job to define my life.

Do you like your job?

Since when are you

supposed to like your job?

I think our generation catastrophically

misunderstands that.

Interesting.

I forgot the food,

I'm going back for it.

No, no, no. Please, allow me.

Now, I am impressed.

'Cause it's like a butler

that is also a rug.

For the man who has

everything except a rug.

You know, I used to

smoke back in college.

But one summer,

I walked in on my parents

smoking out of a vaporizer

and watching Italian porn.

- Oh, my God.

- Which is kind of

the greatest antidrugs PSA of all time.

That is awesome! Kinda gross, but...

- It is funny.

- Growing up...

all of my friends' parents

were divorced, you know?

But mine, they were always... so happy.

They were just so disgustingly happy.

It's a lot to live up to.

I think it kinda messed me up.

- My parents are still married too.

- Yeah?

- Good for them.

- What?

Yeah, when I was a kid I used

to wish that they'd get divorced

'cause I was jealous of all my friends

who got to have two Christmases.

- What?

- You should turn this off.

- You don't like this song?

- Oh, no, I love this song.

It's going to make me want to dance.

- Yes, you should.

- No.

- Yes.

- Trust me.

Oh, are you like a bad dancer?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

I am an epic dancer, but you see...

See, if you see me dance

you'll follow me around

like a little puppy dog and it'll

be embarrassing for us both.

So...

you have to stay here. For your

own safety, trust me on that one.

I'm so sick of you tonight

You never stay awake when I get home

Is something wrong with me?

Is something wrong with you?

I really wish I knew,

wish I knew, wish I knew

I'll give you candy, give you diamonds

Give you pills,

I'll give you anything you want

Hundred-dollar bills

I'll even let you watch

the shows you wanna see

Because you married me,

married me, married me

Marry me, marry me, marry me...

Okay.

So I would just like to...

frame the next question

in the context that

my diet doesn't normally

consist of junk food.

And with that in mind, hypothetically...

- Yeah?

- If one were to...

need to make use of a bathroom

how might one do that

in these special circumstances?

Stop smiling.

That's actually a great question.

Are these your creepy neighbors?

Are you the creepy neighbor?

You're totally the creepy neighbor.

Hey, Mrs. Lopan, it's Alec. I just

really need to borrow your plunger.

It's kind of an emergency.

That wouldn't happen to

be their mailbox, would it?

Oh, yeah, you know what,

they're probably away for the holidays.

You did not just laugh.

- It's kind of funny.

- Do you see this face?

This is my panic face. Do we understand?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- We do.

- Good.

Okay, have no fear. The trusty coat

hanger is here to save the day.

Aw, shucks, I bet you say

that to all the girls.

We're just kind of on a clock here.

I mean, there's a plan "B,"

but it might sound kind of out there.

- We are not getting high again.

- Yes, we are. No, I'm just kidding.

The windows of this building,

they don't really work right.

So we can go out the window,

climb up to the roof

go to the other side and then get

in through the Lopans' fire escape.

Okay.

Maybe just you should do this.

I'm not breaking and entering alone!

The whole reason we're doing this is for you.

- Why do you have that?

- My grandmother left it to me.

Yup, all style complaints go to her.

I see. Sweet.

Let's do this.

You couldn't just sh*t in the sink?

What's wrong?!

It's frozen shut! It won't budge!

- We gotta go back.

- There is no turning back!

- What the f***?!

- Go, go, go!

Are you kidding me?

Hey, are you f***ing insane?

I'm going to have to pay for that!

I had to! They will totally understand.

- Look, you are a ruiner.

- I am not a ruiner!

Sorry, I gotta pee, I had to.

- You understand, you understand.

- No, no, no, no, no...

You are an a**hole in so many languages!

You understand.

Oh, yeah, this pee feels so good.

- Whoops, sorry, false alarm.

- Oh, yeah?

Oh, God.

Just so you know,

I'm giving you the silent treatment too.

I just didn't know if you could tell

and I wanted you to know.

Hey, I think we've solved the

mystery of the clogged toilet.

Wait, what?

No, I told you I would do that!

- What is this?

- No, it's nothing.

- What are you doing? That's gross.

- Give it back.

Megan, this was in a toilet,

that's gross, okay?

If you had a problem with the reading

material you could have just said something.

It's just some stupid article.

It wasn't stupid, though.

It was spot-on.

How pathetic is that,

it's so pathetic...

Do you really think my name

sounds like the first draft of a name?

Yeah.

Like a good first draft, you know?

Like it's really close.

And did you really fake it?

- What are you talking about?

- Last night.

You know, when you were making

what I would describe as like

banshee-esque screams of pleasure,

and then this morning, you called into

question their authenticity? So...

What happened to like,

"Hey, let's just pretend we never had sex?"

Yeah, I'm over that.

Why are you even

thinking about this again?

I haven't stopped thinking about it.

Oh, all right, well, see,

I just said those things to hurt your

feelings because you hurt mine, you know?

Yeah, I don't really buy that

because I think women

are most honest actually when they're

trying to hurt somebody's feelings.

Fine.

But this can't be the first time

that a woman's faked it for you.

- Definitely was.

- You made your ex come?

- Yep, pretty much all the time.

- Yeah, that often?

And did she come before or after you?

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote