Two Night Stand Page #4

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Usually we...

We would come simultaneously.

At the same time.

- Yeah, yeah? Bullshit.

- I'm telling you, it's true.

That's mean.

No, it's nothing to be ashamed of either,

it's really hard to do.

For guys it's so easy, it's just,

you know, it's just friction.

But for girls there's a whole

lot of intangibles down there.

And it's bad that we fake it.

It's not good for you,

it doesn't help us.

It doesn't help the next girl.

Oh, but you're a really great kisser.

- Yeah, you've got that down pat, it's just...

- Practice on my hand a lot.

- ...the other stuff.

- A lot.

- But I had a good time.

- Okay.

Well, yeah, let's talk about this.

So, what... Yeah, what did I do wrong?

Okay, it's not about what you did wrong,

it's just how people sync up.

You know, how they fit together.

- And we didn't sync up well?

- Do you think we did?

Well, you know, it's the first time,

it's awkward. You don't know what to say,

you don't know what you're touching.

It's awkward.

It's not like that changes

after the first time.

Well, I mean eventually they

learn what you like more, but...

you can never talk about it openly

'cause guys are so sensitive.

Suggesting just the tiniest thing

and it freaks them out because then they

think you've been thinking that every time,

and then they get mad that you

didn't say something earlier

and you didn't say something early

because it would have been too soon.

So the only thing that

there is to do is train them

to recognize different levels of moans

without them realizing you're doing it.

In my experience.

- Wow.

- It works.

- Or maybe it's just me.

- No, it's like camp, you know?

You go and you have to do

this activity with a partner

but you can't say anything so you're

just kinda stumbling your way through it.

- Yeah, it's just like camp.

- Yeah.

- What camp did you go to?

- Holy sh*t.

I just had a great idea. Do you feel it,

the two of us? It's a pretty

good opportunity right now.

- What... what is?

- This... right here.

- I'm not...

- You don't get it? Okay.

Look, listen to me, so we're trapped.

We're like this incredible experiment

right now, we're lab rats.

We've had sex, but we don't have

feelings for each other, right?

And as soon as that

snow clears, you're gone.

- Like Mexico-gone.

- We don't know any of the same people,

so we're probably never going

to see each other again.

Yes.

So we can use this time to

be honest with each other,

and we can give each other advice

and constructive criticism

to make each other better lovers

for the next person that comes along.

Okay, firstly, you cannot

pull off the word "lovers."

- I think I can.

- Secondly,

what you are proposing is potentially...

it's a horrible... it sucks.

It's a bad idea... Don't... What?

Are you kidding me?

This is the best idea I've ever had!

- That's so sad!

- Look, Megan, listen,

you can't just like

drop a bomb on me like,

"Hey, maybe you've never made a girl

come in your entire f***ing life,"

and then say you don't want to

talk about it. I want to talk.

Guys can't handle constructive

criticism about that stuff.

- You'll get all pissy...

- No.

I promise you that I will not

get pissy if you don't.

What do you mean if I don't?

Oh, did you think this was just like

a one-way street, or something?

- You think you have pointers for me?

- Well...

Yeah, a thing or two

crossed my mind, but...

I guess you'll never know, will you?

- Jesus, fine, all right, I bite, go.

- Okay, great, this is good.

Now, this is not just you.

I want to make that clear.

Okay, the lights-off thing.

What the f*** is that?

If the lights are off, like you requested

and I so gentlemanly obliged,

I could be having sex

with anything, literally.

But I don't want to be

having sex with anything.

I want to be having sex with you.

Not you specifically,

but like the universal you.

Lights on? Wow. All guys feel that way?

I can only speak for me

and my friends, but yeah.

Duh, girls hear that more than hello.

That's what you got?

All I'm saying is that we're young

and we're hot-looking people, and we

should embrace that sh*t while we have it.

All right, fine!

Guys like to do it with the lights on.

Noted, awesome, shocked.

What else you got?

- Do you want more?

- Do you have more?

Yeah, I do. Okay...

What else do you do that I don't like?

Okay, yeah, you do this thing

where you stand up from the bed

and you kind of turn halfway around

and then you get undressed

as fast as you can all at once

and it's like you're getting ready

for a physical or something.

I've never had any complaints about how

rapidly I undress. Most guys like naked me.

I love naked you. Naked you is

awesome to look at and touch.

What I mean is that you could make

the getting-naked-there part a little...

like... What's up? Boop.

Then you take your bra off the side.

You could even imaginary pole,

just bring it,

smack it. Bring it down...

- Oh, God!

- Bring it up.

Do the little ass thing

with your underwear.

"Hey, I dropped something, my panties."

You can flick it up. You could catch it.

Then I don't care what you do with it.

Actually that wasn't terrible.

You should put on heels and try it.

Yeah, you're right, this is weird.

No, no, no, man-up, finish.

Just get ready for an onslaught.

Okay, that definitely didn't

sound like it was in the vein

of constructive criticism but

I will continue, nonetheless.

Look, all...

I'm saying is that guys like undressing.

And you could make it more of a...

- thing.

- Okay.

Okay. Lastly, when I was inside of you,

you started doing this thing...

you started helping yourself a little bit

and it kind of made me feel

like I was being benched.

- Second string.

- Noted.

- Okay.

- Duly noted. Is it my turn?

- Yeah.

- Don't ever do that.

- Okay.

- That's the international thing.

Okay, I don't know who first taught guys to

do the "alphabet with their tongue" thing,

but it kind of makes me feel like I'm

Helen Keller being f***ed by her teacher.

And that is not a fantasy of yours?

There was a moment, one moment during

foreplay in which I was maybe close to coming.

And I believe I subtly

pointed this out for you.

- Do you remember what it was that I said?

- "I'm close to coming."

Yes. And then after I said that,

you switched up what you were doing.

Just what was your thought process there?

I mean, honestly, I thought I

was doing like a finishing move.

Kind of like a Mortal Kombat thing like,

"Finish her!" And like really hit it, but...

I thought I was doing something

like that. It's not...

Next time, just, you know, keep on

doing what it was that you were doing

because you got her

to third and you can...

- you can get her home.

- Okay.

You waited for me to undress you,

which is unnecessary

and also a little weird because I'm

not your mom tucking you into bed.

You kept trying to give me hickeys,

which nobody likes.

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