Two Night Stand Page #5

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Oh, and you went like way too fast,

like you were drilling me for oil.

You know, like my whole body was like...

And then... you did find my G-spot,

but kind of like a drive-by,

which was cool, but then you kept going.

And I so wanted you to stop.

Oh, okay, all right.

When a girl is helping herself,

that's a good f***ing thing. My ex

was weird about that too, and it's...

it's not like we're competing on some

awesome erotic Japanese game show;

we are having sex.

You know, like, embrace the team spirit.

Oh, and last night, when we were done,

you retreated to the other side of the bed

like you planted a bomb down there.

So next time, just hold the girl,

count to like ten.

It'd go a long way, that one.

You can thank me later.

Other than those things,

you were a perfectly adequate lover.

- Adequate, wow, thank you.

- Yeah.

Adequate's not really...

- See, I knew this would happen.

- ...a compliment.

- I told you this was a bad idea.

- That's cool.

It's a fine idea, I'm good. I'm like Teflon,

baby, nothing sticks to me.

We should totally check out the

news though for some updates.

As you can see, this storm is showing

no signs of slowing down!

I want you to look at something.

Behind me is the empire state building,

but you can't see it.

All you can see is snow.

I bet you a 150 bucks Rick Raines

is fully erect right now.

It's like an incredible

disappearing act... What's that?

That's funny.

Okay, I'm hearing that that's actually

not where the empire state building is,

- but it does show you the...

- Is it cool if I take a shower?

No. Yes, it's fine.

The towels are... on the floor.

Reporting from the streets of

New York City, I'm Rick Raines.

I just got off the phone

with the governor's office

and they told me this storm

is a real motherf***er...

- That was quick.

- I can't say that? Okay.

What if we tried again?

- I can't take any more critiques.

- No, no, I mean, what if we...

tried again.

Tested our theories for science.

For...

science.

Yeah, I think it would

be really helpful for me.

Because I'm more of a hands-on learner.

Yeah, we could... we could do that.

Good. Okay.

And the channel of

communication stays open.

We say whatever's on our mind,

that's the deal.

Okay, we should film it.

No? Too far? Sorry.

- How should we start?

- Okay, so normally,

on date situations, there would

be more of a build-up here, right,

but since this is strictly a hookup

scenario I think it'd be fine if you just...

It's not bad.

Okay, see, the lack of sheets kind of

makes it look a little crack den-y.

Which is great for like a

role-playing scenario but...

Yeah, it was laundry day.

Okay, get over here.

- Okay.

- They should label it or something, right?

I think it's inside out actually,

but it's fine.

- That's good, yeah, where were we?

- Good, right here.

A fan of the bed push. That's a classic.

Oh, no, no, no, shoes and socks first.

There's never a good time

for it so, you know...

- Get them off.

- Oh, God.

Good compromise. I like that.

Thank you. I'm like the UN of doing it.

Is that sort of what you had in mind?

Yeah, that's good. That's pretty good,

you got the hang of that...

Good.

I have sensitive nipples.

That one is really sensitive.

- Any notes?

- No.

No!

If there is one thing that you take away

from this whole experience... never.

- Sorry, I was trying to cool you off.

- My dad used to give me those.

- And now I am just thinking about my dad.

- That's gross, I'm sorry.

That's better.

That is... much better.

Japanese alphabet.

Thank you, Rosetta Stone.

- Holy sh*t!

- That was awesome!

Hey.

Up and at 'em.

Wake up.

Hey.

We fell asleep.

Yeah, is that a problem?

I don't see what the educational

purposes of it are.

Plus, I'm hungry.

- We're going to starve.

- Not if you like mustard.

Why don't you have food?

Well, I had food, and then we ate

it all when we were really high.

Oh, yeah.

Three-year-old banana?

Oh, here we go.

This might have to last days.

- We'll ration it.

- Okay.

This is good. All right,

we just need to get creative.

Give me like... give me ten minutes,

- I'll figure something out.

- Okay, but don't hog.

All right, you want to go back to bed?

Let me figure it out.

Special delivery.

Where did you get these?

Don't worry about it.

These are your neighbors' noodles!

These are contraband noodles.

You threw such a hissy fit about

the window and now look at you...

- you are a common thief.

- I know.

And, for the record, I actually

thought it was pretty badass

- when you broke that window like that.

- Thank you, I did too.

You might not be the worst person

in the world to be stuck with.

Right back at you.

So were your parents doctors?

Oh, I thought maybe they were and

that's why you rebelled and

didn't want to do it anymore.

- So what happened?

- It doesn't matter.

Yeah, it does, come on, you can tell me.

- It wouldn't even make sense to you.

- Everything makes sense to me.

It's the burden of being a genius.

I can't help it.

It's not...

It's not that I stopped

wanting to be a doctor.

So you do want to be a doctor.

No, I mean, I didn't change my mind.

- I never wanted to be a doctor, ever.

- Then why would you go into premed?

Okay.

So...

I was engaged once.

Once. Sounds like I'm writing a memoir.

I was engaged recently.

We dated through high school,

followed him to NYU.

When I had to pick a major, I...

I never actually planned on needing it.

I just wanted to be a wife and a mom.

See, people always look at you funny

when you say something like that

'cause they feel bad for you, or they...

Megan, I'm not... I'm sorry,

I wasn't trying to look at you funny.

No, it's fine. You're missing

out on something, but...

I don't know, I mean...

It worked for my parents and I

always thought that I'd do the same.

- And then the universe called my bluff.

- What happened?

He cheated.

Yeah, and sadly that wasn't

even the deal-breaker.

I wanted to work through it,

but he... wanted out.

He said that he wanted to find a

girl with... more of her own life.

Dropped the word "ambition" a few times.

Yeah, I've had that word thrown

at me a few times too.

- Believe it or not.

- I believe it.

Ambition is such bullshit.

Seriously, it's just

chasing vapor, like...

whatever it is that you think that you

need like that job or that gold star,

blue ribbon, fancy desk, nice office,

like it doesn't... like once you get that,

you're going to be confused because

you're not going to be as happy

as you thought you were going to be.

Then you're going to be

sitting there being like,

"Why aren't I happy?

I have this... I got the desk."

Because there's another desk. Like there's

always going to be something more

that your ambition is telling you

that you need, so it's the next thing,

and then when you get that,

there's another thing. It's an endless cycle.

You're forced into retirement.

You're kicking and screaming.

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