Two Night Stand Page #6

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Next thing you know, you're in a big house,

you've got four-and-a-half bathrooms,

you don't even have a

ping-pong table and you're dead.

Let's f***ing go blow sh*t up!

Like you're dead.

I just blacked out for a second.

Thank you for staying with me on that,

I didn't know if I was going to

come out the other side.

Blowing up stuff always helps.

So what happened with that guy?

Nothing.

A semester later

I graduated with a degree

I had no intention of using.

And here I am.

So you've really never had

a one-night stand before?

I have told you this like 100 times.

Well, you should know,

they usually don't last this long.

Well, that's a bummer.

Wow.

- That guy is so screwed.

- What do you mean?

You said that he met you

in high school, right?

So, he thinks that you're

a certain type of girl,

and he thinks that he will meet

that same type of girl later

in his life when he's ready.

But...

when he's ready,

that girl's not going to be there.

He has no idea how rare you are.

- What are those?

- What?

Those?

You're giving me googly-eyes.

You totally are,

you're giving me googly-eyes!

I'm just really thirsty right now,

so those are my thirsty eyes.

You look thirsty too.

I'm going to get us some drinks.

Can I pull a classic girl move and confiscate

your biggest, comfiest sweatshirt?

- And I promise, I will not steal it.

- Yeah, one sec.

Please be a cross-dresser.

I found some peach schnapps.

The bottle was a little dusty

but I think the liquor is still... good.

So where's Daisy?

San Francisco.

You're with her?

That's a tough question to answer.

No, it's not.

See? You just did.

Megan, here.

Look, let's talk about this.

You have the place to yourself, and,

boy... Do you make the most of it.

When does she get back?

She was supposed to get back this

afternoon but her flight got canceled.

I heard about that.

Apparently there's this

huge f***ing blizzard.

You know, I always wondered what

it would be like to be the other girl.

It feels better.

Not great, but undeniably better.

Hold on.

Thank God, it stopped.

Let's take a look at some

of the outside stuff.

We're looking at the New Jersey transit

making local stops all day long.

Here in Menlo Park...

- Can I show you something?

- Please just leave me alone.

I'm not mad.

How can I be?

I didn't ask and you didn't lie.

I wanted meaningless sex and I got it.

Let me show you this.

Please.

Read.

So she dumped you

but you still live with her?

- She didn't give it to me yet.

- I don't understand.

And honestly, I don't care.

Three weeks ago she asked

me to look for her wallet

and when I was looking for her

wallet I accidentally found this.

I didn't know what to do.

So I gave her her wallet back at lunch

and then the next day she left for tour.

Tour? What is she, like...

- She's a DJ.

- Of course.

Of course, she's like the

coolest girl imaginable.

I made that profile because I wanted

to have something to throw in her face

whenever she wanted to pull the trigger.

- And I know that's very immature.

- You could have broken up with her.

Yeah. Yeah, I thought about that.

People talk about how great

it is to be single and that's...

bullshit, joining the single party.

It's not a party, it's a bunch of people

sitting around in the dark, texting.

Your complaints about how slow the

plowing is going in outer boroughs

such as Queens and Brooklyn

are not falling on deaf ears.

And we're hearing from

the sanitation department

that they're getting

that done right away.

And I did something stupid,

and I'm sorry.

Report that the subways and buses

are starting to run, as well.

Excuse me.

Most of the storm is pushed up

into the Shenandoah Valley...

Megan, wait. Hey...

Come on, I didn't...

what was I supposed to do?

I didn't even know that

you existed, I don't...

Look, I don't want her,

I want you. I want you.

And what makes you

think that I want you?

You're just some funny guy

that works at a bank.

I think you severely overestimate

your ability to break hearts.

Come on.

- Oh, my God, Megan!

- Hey.

Hey.

Is that my duvet?

- Hi.

- Oh, God.

- You guys are monsters.

- God!

How was your date?

You looked so tired

I wanted to let you sleep.

Hey, what are you... doing?

- Daisy, we should talk.

- Yeah, I know.

- I found the note in the trash.

- I have the note right here.

When did you find this?

When I was looking for your wallet.

- By accident.

- I see what's going on here.

You read this, and then you wanted

me to come home and find this

slutty little lipstick haiku so that

you could be the one that ended us.

It's not a haiku,

there's not enough syllables.

- You are a child.

- Yeah.

Look, Daisy, we both know that

we weren't right for each other.

And I think we both knew that

for a long time, but it's fine.

We were just scared that the perfect

person wasn't out there for us.

And what if they're not?

I think they are.

Okay, so what now?

I can move my stuff over to Kevin's place.

He owes me for a plunger.

Okay.

Let me know when you're out.

Hey, Daisy...

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

Did you ever... fake it?

Wow. A year together.

Done. And that's what you're

thinking about right now?

No, I'm thinking of all

kinds of stuff right now.

I'm thinking of memories

and feelings and...

But I just need to know if...

Did you do that?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I got lazy.

But you shouldn't have faked it, okay?

Because that's not helping anybody.

- You gotta communicate.

- What happened to you?

Tell her, talk to her.

Megan, Faiza has something

she wants to tell you.

Okay.

Listen, normally I'd wait to bring this

up until after you'd recovered a bit,

but Cedric and I sort of enjoyed

having the place to ourselves

- the past couple nights.

- We did.

And I wasn't sure that we would,

'cause I am so used to you

always being here, you know?

Like... nonstop,

all the time.

But... baby, help me out, please.

Yeah, basically we were just thinking,

what if you moved out,

you know, like what would that be like?

And you have to understand,

you can stay here as long as you need,

until you get on your feet.

A couple of days, three days...

However long you want.

- Four days.

- Okay.

No, I think...

I think it's a really good idea.

- You do?

- She says she does.

Look, I only moved to

New York because of Chris.

And I thought that if I went home

it would just be admitting that.

So I stayed and made sure

that the Internet wasn't lonely.

I needed a kick in the ass.

Cool, so do you know

what you're going to do?

No. No, I have no f***ing clue. No idea.

Do you know what this means?

That this is our last

New Year's eve as roommates.

Awesome.

Yeah, hey, so I realize this

is probably word-for-word

something that a crazy

person would say, but...

I met a girl on your website

a few nights ago and...

I think I can save us

both some time here.

Yeah, no, I don't need her address,

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