Under The Yum Yum Tree Page #4

And next time, knock!

- Hi, Hogan.

- There you are, my dear.

Hi, I just dashed out to get some groceries.

Here. I thought these might help brighten up

your new apartment.

- I grow them myself here.

- Well, aren't you the dearest,

sweetest person in the world.

Thank you. That's very kind of you.

- Can I give you a hand with those?

- No, they're not heavy.

Hey, look, this is... It's kind of awkward.

I guess I'd better just

come right out and say it.

There's a man in your apartment, there.

Had soap all over his face.

I think he was shaving when I went in there.

His name is David. Yes.

Well, it's perfectly all right.

I mean, it's your apartment.

You do with it what you want.

I just thought that you should know

that I knew about the young man.

- His name is David.

- You said that.

- He seems like a very nice young fellow.

- We...

Probably madly in love with you, huh?

- We plan to get married after he graduates.

- I wish you the very best.

Incidentally, I had my servant whip up

a little dinner.

I thought maybe you and your girlfriend

would like to join me.

- Girlfriend?

- Yeah, your roommate.

Well, I appreciate it.

Well, thanks a lot,

and that's very kind of you, but I'm bushed.

Maybe some other evening.

Thanks again for the flowers.

They're just beautiful.

- Good night, Hogan.

- Good night.

- Hello, I'm home.

- Hi, honey.

Hey, listen to this. While you were gone,

some nut from across the hall comes in,

and he's got...

That's one of the things

we're going to have to watch.

All right, I'll get a robe.

I don't think either of us should walk

around in panties, slips or towels.

Things are going to be tough enough

as it is, okay?

Yeah, okay.

Well, anyway, what I was going to tell you,

this nut from across the way comes in,

and he's got these...

That's Hogan. He's our landlord.

Our landlord?

He's a very dear sweet fellow,

absolutely harmless.

- Well, what's he hanging around here for?

- I have no idea.

- Rob.

- Yeah?

I've been giving us some more thought,

you know,

and I'm not sure how I feel

about this whole setup.

Well, that's absolutely charming.

Our first night, we've hardly finished

unpacking, and already you have doubts.

Yeah, well, now that I've moved in,

I can see what I've let myself in for.

Honey, this is an abnormal relationship

between us.

- It's not abnormal!

- Yes, it is.

- Why, how can you talk like that?

- Well...

The whole idea was to live together

without sleeping together.

I know. I know.

Well, to get to know each other,

to find out if we have real,

honest-to-goodness character compatibility,

to reveal ourselves,

to exchange confidences.

Yeah.

Robin, you're using a lot of big words

that don't make a lot of sense.

Well, if that doesn't make sense...

I mean, "character compatibility"

and all that junk.

I know it sounds good, honey,

but ever since I came back to do

post-graduate work...

We're going steady

and living together, David.

In the history of man and woman,

nobody has embarked...

- David, don't make...

- I'm hardly old-fashioned!

This isn't living together, either.

Maybe by your definition, but not by mine.

- David...

- A man and woman decide to live together,

for crying out loud, let them live together!

Not lying around eating breakfast and

playing musical chairs for the bathroom,

sleeping on cots and things like this...

All right, get away.

Get out!

You're in the... Go on, get out!

Come on, get out of there, please.

- Now, that's what we agreed to, wasn't it?

- Yeah, yeah, that's what we agreed to.

- We didn't make love before, Dave.

- No.

Well, this will be just the same,

except that we'll be together more.

No, it's not the same, Robin.

Before, when I left you, I could go home

and ease my tortured body

under a cold shower.

So shower here.

Oh, yeah, with you rustling around

in your sexy underthings.

I'll spend every waking hour

under a running faucet.

- I admit the plan has a few flaws.

- Flaws?

Well, I'll go along with you there.

Honey, what about my libido?

Well, what about me? I'm subject

to the same intoxications you are.

- No, you're not. No, you're...

- What?

Well, you're not! Women have had centuries

to perfect their willpower.

Well, if you're going to be flip about it,

maybe we should call the whole thing off.

Now don't be touchy about it, Robin.

You're always going to make it look like

I tried to force you into it.

Will you just hold your voice down

for a minute?

- All I said was...

- You made a bargain and you broke it.

- I didn't break anything.

- Yes, you did.

- I was standing here, calmly trying to...

- I should have known better.

That's what I should have known.

You're turning into

a little screamer, Robin.

Well, look, why don't we just

call the whole thing off?

- Why not?

- Well, I just might do that.

- Well, go ahead.

- Okay,

if you want to be that way about it, okay.

- Goodbye!

- Goodbye!

Goodbye!

Dave!

Dave, I'm sorry!

I forgot I wasn't dressed.

Oh, dear.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't argue like that.

- It was my fault, anyway.

- Come on back.

Come on. Come on back.

Oh, no...

- I had no right to be angry.

- Well, I shouldn't have complained.

I made a bargain,

and I'm going to stick to it.

- You forgive me?

- Yes.

We'll probably have to cut

that out completely.

Yeah. We don't want to go down in defeat

before we even begin.

Listen, let's do something symbolic.

- Like what?

- Get your toothbrush.

- A toothbrush?

- I'll meet you in the bathroom.

Toothbrush.

Oh, my...

There.

With this toothbrush, I do thee wed.

Aren't they adorable? Side by side.

A position forbidden to us.

Well, I think it's about time

we should get to bed. To sleep.

- Separately.

- In two different beds, yeah.

Yeah.

- When do you like to take a shower?

- Nights, usually.

Me, too. But I'll take mornings.

- No, no, it makes no difference to me.

- Well, we could trade off.

I don't think that's such a good idea.

All we'd have to do is get the schedule

mixed up once and that's it.

True. And that'd be the end

of our good intentions.

- Yeah.

- Well, I think I'll take my shower now.

Cover up, I'm coming through.

Hi, there. Did I scare you?

- How do you keep getting in here?

- The door was open again.

You gotta watch that. Yeah, Hogan.

Just across the way.

Yeah, I know you live across the way.

What are you doing in here?

- I happen to own the building.

- Okay, you own the building.

- As the landlord, I have certain rights.

- Of reasonable entry.

Do you know it's 10:00 at night?

That's not reasonable entry, pal.

Listen, can I speak to you as a friend?

- No, no, you may not.

- I want you to understand.

You don't have to be nice to me

just because I happen to be the landlord

and have the right to evict you

in a moment's notice.

- Excuse me, I have to...

- What?

You know, I've been mulling this situation.

Now, as I get it,

you are to occupy these premises

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes