Under The Yum Yum Tree Page #5

on a sort of connubial, non-conjugal basis,

is that it?

What'd she do,

throw it open for panel discussion?

Don't be silly. I eavesdrop.

It seems to me what we have before us...

Now, wait just a minute.

"What we have before us"?

You gotta keep an eye on me, boy.

Now and then, I just get a little pushy.

- Yeah, well...

- Let me say

that what you have before you

is a very highly-efficient piece

of feminine rationalization.

Miss Robin Austin.

Now let's just take her.

Young, very good manners, devoted

to her parents and all of their influences,

and kind to old ladies and animals

and all of that.

But she is blossoming into

a full, robust womanhood.

Well, I hate to mention this,

but those flowers aren't real.

Well, that doesn't matter

because there wasn't any water

in the can, anyway.

See what I mean?

Here she is, blossoming,

but she was taught in her formative years

that very properly, a young girl forgoes

any of the unmentionable

physical endeavors.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. And you're leaving.

I'm sorry,

I don't care if you are the landlord...

- I have more experience.

... but good night!

The kid's impetuous.

All right, let's just look at it as if

you were having a talk with your minister.

- Out!

- Boy, he's in trouble...

- Honey, who are you talking to?

- Good evening, my dear.

How pretty you look

in that adorable little outfit there.

What?

- Where is Dave?

- Dave who?

I wonder who that could be at this hour.

- Well, what are you doing out there?

- Well, I just...

Honey, I want you to meet our landlord,

Mr. Hogan.

- Yeah, we've met.

- David, stop that!

David, please, take your hands off him!

David, really. I'm terribly sorry.

He's very rude.

Actually, I thought it might be a nice time

for all of us to discuss

the new clauses in your lease.

- What new clauses?

- You naughty little thing, you.

You led me to believe another girl

was moving in here with you.

- I can explain that, really.

- No, it's not necessary, no apologies.

It's just you do understand

I'll have to make a few minor adjustments

in the lease due to the unorthodox nature

of this arrangement.

- Well, it's all perfectly proper.

- Yeah, we...

I know that, and you know it,

but does Captain Fogarty

of the vice squad know it?

- Vice squad?

- He's talking through his hat, honey.

Well, fortunately, I found a solution.

It's very simple.

I just put you down

on the lease under a fictitious name.

- What?

- Yeah, Vern Johnson

and Alma Hammerschlod.

Well, Hogan, I really think

I should explain all this to you.

You see... Well, let me tell you

about Dave Manning and myself.

Now, wait a minute, honey.

It's none of his business.

Why don't you just run back upstairs

and let us men conclude this discussion?

Well, he is the landlord.

You wouldn't want me to be rude?

Believe me, he wouldn't even notice.

Now, like a good girl, huh?

Well, if you two gentlemen

can get along without me.

- Yeah, fine.

- Well, thank you for the flowers, Hogan.

Good night, you sweet thing.

Good night.

You sleep tight and undisturbed, I hope.

Okay, Hogan, now let's clear the air, huh?

Let's get everything

said. Lay it on the line.

What is this little game?

Heart murmur.

Doc likes me to check it now and then.

- Let's talk, man to man.

- Yeah.

Now, do you really, honestly,

intend to live here

with that absolutely,

breathtakingly adorable creature

and never even consider yum-yum?

- What are you talking about?

- Fraternity man?

- Yeah, yeah, Delta Chi.

- Delta...

- Come on. Come on.

- Well, I don't...

- I don't keep up in it, you know.

- Come on.

A fellow Delta! Now, how about that!

How wonderful to have a brother living

right next... Well, that changes everything.

- Now, I'm honor bound to tell you.

- Tell me what?

- Well, this arrangement will never work.

- Why not?

Friend, you... Brother.

Well, deep down where you live,

in the secret recesses of your libido,

- you know it's impossible.

- Well, I don't...

With that gorgeous, undulating creature

Separated only by the gossamer-thin line

of your willpower?

- Well, not in one million years.

- Well, I intend to try.

- She trusts me, you know.

- There's only one possible solution.

- What's that?

- Exercise.

Exercise?

Well, down through the ages,

the only known substitute for sex

is physical exertion.

Well, take athletes.

No trouble with their libidos.

- Yeah.

- They just don't have any.

It all goes onto the playing field.

Why do you think that schools

stress sports so much?

- Well, I guess it's...

- Keeps the rate of hanky-panky

down to a minimum.

I never thought too much about that.

You got any barbells

or Indian clubs or weights

- or medicine balls, or any of that stuff?

- No, I don't go in...

Well, that's your only hope.

I suggest that you just wear yourself out

with the pushups and the sit-ups

and the deep knee bends, too.

Every time that your little thoughts

turn to yum-yum, you push up.

- Push up! Yeah, that's the only solution.

- Yeah.

- Dave, is he gone?

- Yeah, yeah, honey.

Thanks a lot, Hogan. I

really appreciate this.

- Well, what are you doing, boy?

- You're leaving.

- Well, I'm not through yet.

- Yes, you are. Good night, Hogan.

Honey, let me help you with that.

- I meant to do it.

- I can do it.

No, no, no, no. That's woman's work.

Well, I just thought this arrangement

would give us the least amount of contact

- during the difficult hours.

- Yeah.

It might be a little inconvenient, but I

think it's important to keep enticements

- down to a minimum, don't you?

- Yeah.

- I would...

- Excuse me.

It's my fault.

I was over... "It's woman's work. "

That's one of the things

we're going to have to watch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Rob, I tell you what I was thinking...

- David, good night.

Rob.

Come here. Come here.

Good night.

Get out! Get off of there!

Dave, what's that noise?

What are you doing down there?

Nothing, Rob. You wouldn't understand.

Good night, Rob.

Thirty seconds after blast off,

the rocket had cleared its primary entry

and was reported on course.

Astronaut Mitchell says

he's feeling exhilarated

and the view is spectacular.

In Rome today...

- Take these, and get off my back.

- Have a good morning.

- Good morning, Murphy.

- My, ain't we the early bird.

- I'll get it for you, Miss Page.

- Thank you. Thank you so much.

Looks like you run out of material.

Murph!

We were just talking about

a leak in her sink.

Mr. Hogan!

What were you doing in there, boy?

- Here, take my handkerchief.

- Murphy.

- What?

- Get rid of that cat.

I'll get rid of her, Mr. Hogan.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Come on, let's get you dry.

Were you out there all night?

I don't want to ask you now,

but when you got a minute,

I'd sure love to hear about last night.

After a nice hot shower and a little rest,

you'll be our old Hogan again.

- What happened to him?

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