Under The Yum Yum Tree Page #6

- Found him in the bushes.

- Must have been a heck of a party last night.

- Murph.

Man, he's really living.

- Well, okay.

- Honey.

- What?

- Love you.

Love you.

Mr. Architect,

you forgot your drafting books.

- I gotta be cracking up.

- Okay, now, drive slowly.

Yeah, okay.

You sure you want to cut classes today?

Positive. I have a lot of things

I have to get settled.

I want to stock the kitchen properly,

I have to go to the laundromat.

And I want to cook you the most

scrumptious dinner tonight, wait and see.

- Okay. So long.

- Bye-bye.

One more time.

Maybe I'll stay home

from class today, too.

David, go to school.

Yes. Well, you know, we have to work out

the shower arrangements

and all of that sort of thing.

Hi, Irene.

I'll call you back later, August.

Do you want some coffee

or something like that?

Robin, I'm not going to waste time

with pleasantries.

I saw David Manning leave just now.

Now, what's going on?

Now, wait, it's not like that at all.

I invited Dave to move in.

Yes! On a perfectly proper basis.

He sleeps there, and I sleep way up there.

Way up there. My, my, that's all of 20 feet.

We're living together platonically

to determine our character compatibility.

- Character compatibility?

- Why, yes.

Well, you're a grown girl now,

and you can carry investigation too far.

- What have we done?

- But you know what...

- You mean he really sleeps here?

- Cross my heart.

And David goes along

with this arrangement?

Why, he's absolutely aligned with me

in this noble and beautiful experiment

of the mind.

Sometimes, I think my students

should be teaching me.

You know what I said,

it just might all work out.

- Miss Wilson!

- Dorkus.

- Good morning, Dorkus.

- Hi, Robin.

- Well, don't worry about me, Irene. Okay?

- I'll try not to.

- I'll see you later.

- You get settled in some place nice?

What can I tell you?

It's a roof over my head.

Is Hogan around?

He went to the barber shop.

Have time for a cup of coffee?

- Love it.

- Made some fresh. Good.

Well, what I was worried about,

quite frankly,

was Robin living next door to Hogan.

Shows what kind

of a suspicious mind I have.

- Why shouldn't you?

- Because I'm skeptical, mistrusting,

jealous and all those horrible female things

I keep teaching my girls not to be.

Why, just because I moved out,

should I think that Hogan

would want to take advantage of my niece?

Why indeed.

You know, I think I understand Hogan now.

You know what he is?

A poor, lost, lonely little boy

who looked for love

and understanding from me.

You know, for a college professor,

you can be pretty stupid about some things.

No, no, no, no, that's one thing I do know.

The psychology of the child.

I majored in it.

And Hogan is a child.

Just look at this place.

You know what it is? It's a playpen.

And that dear little gorilla doll

he gave me.

That's the gift of a poor, lost,

lonely little boy.

Before I throw up, and I may,

let me show you what Hogan majored in.

- Majored in?

- Right this way.

Here's the poor, lost, lonely boy's

closet of playthings.

Hogan's private zoo.

There you are.

For a 39-cent gorilla,

he made a monkey out of you.

- "Beautiful relationship. "

- Now over here,

we have his private key shop.

Anybody for heart-shaped keys?

My very own key. "Think of me. "

Let us do a little history of this

apartment unit of poor lonely Hogan's.

I came to work for him about 1959.

That was the year

Ericka had your apartment.

- She was a stripper in a beer joint.

- Ericka!

Then there was Cheryl.

She was a very private secretary.

- Cheryl?

- Then Elise. I never did know what she did.

- Elise?

- Gretchen, she was a nurse.

- Gretchen?

- Sybil Jane.

Sybil Jane?

Why, Irene, honey, what a pleasant surprise.

- What was that all about?

- Ericka.

Josie, Betty Jane, Monique,

and all those others.

I could just brain you!

Well, as I... Before you, dear,

I mean, I was a bachelor

with my own apartment house.

How utterly convenient.

Had a lot of fertile fields to plow?

- Beats walking the streets.

- To think I believed you.

"Your very own red key, think only of me. "

Darn you! Darn you! Darn you! Darn you!

- What are you so mad at?

- Nothing.

- Nothing at all!

- I accepted the end of our affair

like a gentleman. I did not go

storming into your beauty parlor

creating a ridiculous scene like this.

I'm getting sick and tired and fed up of you

girls just wandering in and out of my life

and my apartment house

at your own discretion,

taking advantage of my good nature.

How do you think it feels to know

that I'm nothing, more or less,

but a tonic for what ails women?

Do you know

the frustrating story of my life?

Refreshing without filling!

You'll forgive that expression,

won't you, my dear?

- Will you keep your voice down?

- No, I won't keep my voice down!

I want all my fellow men to know

how I've been utilized!

- You've been...

- Yes, I've been utilized!

She wants me to stand idly by

while she brings a friend in,

not to break the continuity.

- Well, no dice.

- You're a nut.

- He is. He really is.

- Let me tell you something else.

This child is absolutely wonderful.

Bright, young, eager,

a body that will not quit.

Don't think this lady hasn't filled

that sweet young thing in

on my physical qualifications.

Merciful heavens,

will there never be a respite?

- Bravo!

- Bravo!

- Did he mind sleeping out here?

- No, he was very sweet about it.

- Hi, there.

- Hi.

Girls, girls, girls.

I want you to meet my landlord, Mr. Hogan.

No "mister," just Hogan,

from across the hall.

- Well, don't let me intrude now.

- How do you do?

- Would you like a piece of coffee cake?

- No thank you, my dear.

We're having a coffee klatch.

You know, this is unbelievable.

How can one girl have so many

attractive girlfriends?

- Thank you.

- The last time I was alone

with this many beautiful girls

was when I was a little sprite.

There was a campfire girls' meeting

up the hill, you know,

and I snuck in there and let all the air out

of the marshmallows.

Murph!

Just doing a little pruning, honey.

Nice meeting you, Hogan.

Thanks for all those funny stories.

- Bye-bye, Robin.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- Nice to have seen you.

- Goodbye. Bye-bye.

- Goodbye, Hogan.

Awfully nice to have seen you.

Come again soon. Bye-bye.

What a charming bevy.

- Goodbye, Hogan.

- I don't have to leave yet.

Hogan, I do have things I have to do.

Such as the laundromat,

Piggly Wiggly market, shoemaker.

- I'm very...

- Well, good. I have nothing to do,

- and I'll do it with you.

- Well, I don't want to impose.

Well, it's not an imposition.

You'd be doing me a favor.

I'd be alone all day, and I hate that.

And besides, I love to Piggle and Wiggle

and wash little things.

Here, let me take that.

Not one more word from you.

You just consider old Hogan

your slave for the day.

You know, I feel kind of deliciously guilty

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