Under The Yum Yum Tree Page #8

- I have no idea.

I hope.

Now, look, let's not start worrying

about her. She's a big girl.

Now, let's see.

One needs a yardstick to judge everything,

you see.

Even men, for instance.

Well, let's take men as a for-instance.

Again, diversity. Now, there's

a little rhyme that I've made up.

"Men are like cantaloupes,

may I tell you why?"

- Why?

- "To appreciate a good one,

"a thousand you should try!"

- You didn't make that up. No.

- No, I didn't.

Well, maybe I read it somewhere.

But how true it is.

Well, now, take you and Dave,

how much better off you are with him

than with someone like me, for instance.

I mean, what have I got to offer

a beautiful, young girl like you?

Except possibly unlimited funds

and vapid, empty delight.

You'll be happy to know,

now that we're better acquainted,

I can honestly state

we have no problem at all.

- Fortunately, you leave me cold.

- What?

Not that you aren't one of the most

ravishingly beautiful creatures

I've ever seen, but I don't know,

it's your mind.

- My what?

- I admire your mind so much,

I barely notice that you have a body.

- No offense.

- No, no.

We're going to get along marvelously.

Of course,

one really should take into account

how unimportant a liaison with me

would be,

should we feel one coming on.

A liaison of the mind.

You admire my mind so much, remember?

Unfortunately, Mother Nature,

in her infinite wisdom,

has endowed me with other cravings, too.

I'd better warn you that

when invidious forces take hold of me,

I'm not above craft and cunning

to achieve my objective.

- I'll keep my eyes open.

- Good girl. Be alert,

because sometimes these devices

are so well-concealed,

I don't even see them coming on myself.

- Thanks for a lovely evening, Hogan.

- You're welcome. It is fun, isn't it?

Come on over. We'll have

a little nightcap at my place.

I got a hit record I want to show you.

Hey, this way.

Good night, Hogan.

Now, look, look, now,

we've barely begun to fight.

The evening is very young, you know.

- Hi, there, old buddy-bud. Come on.

- Hi, honey, did we wake you?

Do you realize it's 2:30 in the morning?

Well, I didn't want to disturb you,

and Hogan very considerately asked me out.

Swell. Swell. So you just left me

on the couch over there,

passed out like cold mashed potatoes,

on the couch.

No hard feelings, pal.

Let's all step in and discuss it

over a friendly, stirring cup.

No, we're not stepping in.

You're stepping out.

- That's no way to treat a brother.

- Out, Hogan!

- You're angry, aren't you?

- No. Why should I be angry?

My girl, out with another man,

leaves me without even a note

to tell me where she's going to be.

Why should I be angry?

Who collapsed on the couch after I slaved

all day over that lovely dinner?

- I was pooped!

- What's the matter?

It's a kink.

If you had been through

what I have been through today,

- and no sleep last night...

- We're fighting again.

You're very good at definitions.

This is a fight.

All right, I'm sorry. It's my fault.

I shouldn't have gone out.

Rob, honey, it's more my fault

than it was yours.

- I'm exhausted and I got angry.

- No, no. I got angry.

- Because of that nut.

- No, I got angry.

- No, it was my fault.

- No, really, I did.

Hey, let's not get into a fight

- over who started the fight.

- Okay.

- Anyway, we're both sorry.

- Yes.

Rob, we'd better knock that off.

I tell you, I'm tired

and my resistance to you is low.

Well, if you're so tired,

how could you even think of sex?

Well, I'm not that tired.

Dave, you get to bed.

And I want you to get a lot of rest.

- Yeah, Rob...

- And sleep well,

'cause you have to go to school

bright and early tomorrow morning,

and I've kept you up so late already.

Good night, you gorgeous thing.

- What's that?

- Nothing, honey.

Just stubbed my toe. Go to sleep now.

- Good night.

- Okay.

Sorry, it's just the water pipes.

Good night. Sleep tight.

I'll give it the big try.

Don't strike a match.

I thought I smelled gas.

- Gas.

- I scurried over as fast as I could

- to warn you.

- Okay, thanks, Hogan.

- When did you first smell the gas?

- I was out watering my flowers.

There's nothing more frightening

than the smell of gas.

She probably left this oven on.

Thought I smelled electricity?

Can't be too careful.

Hey, now that you're wide awake,

it's as good a time as any to get into this

situation between you and Robin in-depth.

- Now, listen. Look...

- You got a match?

Early in the morning,

I have examinations and...

- How the hell do you keep getting in here?

- Well, your door was open.

- It was not open!

- You've got a nerve.

- What?

- I'm spending all my free time

trying to help you win

the girl of your choice.

- You're standing on a legal technicality.

- Give me the key.

You're touchy. Come on. Come on.

- Hogan, I am going to bed.

- No, no, no, you're not.

Now, look, you want to marry that girl?

I am going to show you how.

Where do you keep

your matches around here?

There we are.

Now let's get down to business.

First of all, take the

subject herself, Robin.

I don't want you to take offense, son,

but that girl has got her clock

worked in backwards.

So yours are perfectly all right.

Which, confirming my earlier opinions,

means that what she actually seeks is a man

who doesn't pamper her every desire,

- do you follow?

- Now, Hogan, at 9:00 am in the morning,

I have examinations.

Now, I gotta get some sleep, okay?

Yeah, you're darn right. Now, the problem is

how to set the stage, so that...

Now, pay attention to me, boy.

I've had a lot of experience in this field.

- I'll be an inestimable help.

- How lucky can I get?

Since this dear sweet child cannot face up

to her unconscious desires,

it's up to you to make it easy for her

to face up to the unfaceable.

- What was that again?

- And in such a way

as to make it seem to her that she herself,

and not you, has dispelled her resistance.

- Now, you follow that?

- Of course, of course.

It'd never do

to simply go upstairs and attack.

That, she'd be bound to look upon that

with disfavor.

Then how about sneaking up behind her

with a handkerchief soaked in chloroform?

- What are you talking about?

- Or a firm grip on a soft throat.

Brother, I don't think

you're taking this thing seriously.

Now, you have got to listen to me, boy.

It's imperative.

- Give me the key.

- What I have planned for you

is a program of feigned indifference. A

policy of reverse English, shall we call it?

And hardly a woman alive can resist it.

Yeah, how many more of these things

do you have?

The supply is inexhaustible.

Now, the thing is, you are going to have to

adhere to this with strict discipline, boy.

There is to be no compliments and no

whispered sweet nothings into her ear.

And no flowers and no candy.

And most important of all,

you must abstain from all those

little niceties that women adore.

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