Undercover Brother Page #5

- Yeah.

Chief:
"Her carpet" matched

her drapes? Excuse me?

- No, man. You can't be doing that.

- What were you doing?

- White girl or no white girl,

where the hell have you been?

- Not there,

'cause that's where people who swear go.

Thank you very much.

You sound like

a 14-year-old white chick.

I don't think so, Sister GirI.

It's Sistah Girl, "dude. "

Maybe on Planet Ebonics.

But where I come from,

we like to pronounce

our E's and our R's,

thank you very much.

E's and R's?

Ebonics, huh?

I be thinking

that somebody in this room

is selling out.

I say we kill him.

Shut the door, nigga.

Shh, it's gonna be

all right, baby. Don't look!

I'm sorry, dawg, but you need

- Hey, buddy,

if I hadn't read that article in

"Vanity Fair" on anger management,

I'd put away this guava-

mango-broccoli smoothie

- and put my foot in your patootie.

- Patootie?

Now maybe you guys

don't like the new me,

but I don't give a gosh darn.

For all I care,

you can all get

the beejeebies out of here.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I must be going.

"Frasier" is on.

"Frasier"?

Beejeebies?

He said he would stick his foot

up my so-called "patootie. "

Damn it.

I knew this could happen.

You can only keep

an agent undercover for so long

before he loses his identity.

Hell, no man can resist

low interest loans

and non-fat lattes forever.

And white women.

So wait,

let me get this straight.

Whenever a black guy does well,

starts wearing Dockers,

buys a few Celine Dion records,

and sleeps with a white chick,

you automatically

say he's sold out?

That's enough!

Always trying to shut

the white man down.

That's right!

That's right!

- Oh, that ain't right.

- Sistah Girl:
"What's the word?"

I was able to decode

the data from MultinationaI Inc.

The General is under

the influence

of a psycho-

hallucinogenic drug.

It's a mind controI drug, sir.

Very powerful.

Very easy to use.

Good Lord.

With something like that, The Man could

controI every black person in America.

Theoretically, yes, but it would take years

to administer the doses individually.

To be efficient,

you'd need to develop

a huge distribution system.

The chicken!

I hate to say it,

if Undercover Brother

don't get his sh*t together,

this may be one battle

we might lose to The Man.

Smart Brother,

am I gonna die?

## "Dumps like a truck-"

"truck, truck" ##

## "All night long" ##

## "Let me see that thong" ##

Honey?

Yeah?

Is this Michael Bolton's

version of that "thong song?"

No, but I want that one.

I hear he got all the funk

that Sisqo missed.

Do you like this?

You know, usually I'm not

into the heavy stuff,

but this is kinda catchy.

It is, isn't it?

Yeah.

- I made us some sandwiches.

- Extra mayo for me, please.

Freeze, sucka!

Put down

the mayonnaise...

slowly.

It's that colored girl,

Ton-ja.

Now, Buffy the Black Man Slayer,

step away from the brotha.

- Bye, brother.

- Come on.

- Bye.

- "Move it. "

- Be careful.

- Let's go.

Why? So you can tell me

what a sellout I am again?

Oh, I don't judge people

by how they dress,

or what music

they listen to.

But I remember a brother

who wasn't afraid to be himself,

who taught me to follow

my own funky path,

stand up for

what I think is right.

Remember this?

Penelope:

Ignore her, Anton.

I'm all the single white female

you'll ever need.

I want to. Really, I do.

All day, but I can't.

I must be true to myself.

Look at that white girI.

Are you crazy?

The darker the berry,

the sweeter the juice.

Corduroys

are so comfortable.

Got to get funky.

## Hey, macarena,

all right! ##

I can't throw this away.

'Cause like this medallion...

this brother's here to stay.

What's up, Sistah Girl?

Look at you!

What took you so long?

- You don't think the heels are too much?

- No, it's funktabulous.

- 'Cause I was gonna go-

- "Hold it right there... "

Undercover Brother.

Drop it!

- This woman just can't get-

- I meant the gun.

That's White She-Devil,

The Man's secret weapon.

Sorry.

It's time to...

platform out of here.

Damn duck shoes.

Looks like

we're in hot water.

Or hot sauce.

Come on!

Come on.

Come on.

It's not fair.

'N Sync!

Backstreet Boys!

And Boyz II Men!

We really sing!

Elton John!

Billie Jean King!

## "Look at her" ##

## "She's a bad mama jama" ##

## "Just as fine as she can be" ##

## "She's a bad mama jama... " ##

Come on, White She-Devil.

I been waiting.

Come on, baby.

Come on!

## "Her body measurements are perfect"

"in every dimension" ##

## "She's got a figure"

"that's gonna bring attention" ##

## "She's poetry in motion" ##

## "A beautiful sight to see" ##

## "I get so excited"

"viewing her anatomy" ##

## "She's built-"

"oh, she's dynamic... " ##

- No, you didn't.

- "Yes, I did. "

B*tch!

You know how much

this sh*t cost?

How much did this sh*t cost,

you disco queen?!

- All of this!

- How dare you!

Hey!

Undercover Brother:

Touch it. Now looky here.

Whew! Whew, baby!

Toast to the booty!

Booty toast.

Oh, yeah!

Wait! Look at that.

## "... She's mighty mighty,"

"just letting it all hang out" ##

## "She's a brickhouse" ##

## "The lady's stacked,"

"and that's a fact" ##

## "Ain't holding nothing back" ##

## "Ow, she's a brickhouse... " ##

The water's cold.

Water cold!

## "Now we're together,"

"everybody knows" ##

## "This is how the story goes... " ##

Nothin' like safe sex,

you know what I'm saying?

Look at that.

Look at that there.

B*tch!

You enjoy yourself?

Would you stop

fooling around?

Got to get my cool back!

Can you play something funky

for a brother to drive to?

Drive!

Drive this thing!

Baby, it was made

in the '70s.

This ain't no Ferrari.

## "Jungle boogie" ##

## "Jungle boogie... " ##

Damn.

Look out, baby.

## "Jungle boogie" ##

## "Get up with the get down" ##

## "Jungle boogie" ##

- ## "Jungle boogie" ##

- ## "Oh yeah" ##

## "Jungle boogie... " ##

You should have run

her narrow ass over.

So, this has all been

some kind of jive game

- to get me out of the way?

- "That's right. "

I was sent to destroy you

and everything

the Brotherhood stands for.

Damn it.

Falling in love with you

wasn't part of the plan.

Mmm.

Oh, Undercover Brother,

you're too much man for me.

Baby...

sometimes I'm too much man

for my own damn self.

Mr. Feather,

your status report, please.

All the pieces of Operation

Whitewash are in place.

Good. It's time

to extend the reach

to black leaders

in sports, the arts,

entertainment and business.

Soon all aspects of society

will once again be dominated

by The Man.

It's time to strike

the finaI blow

against the Brotherhood.

So, when I return to the lair,

Undercover Brother

better be dead.

- Are we clear?

- "Very good, sir. "

With Undercover

Brother dead,

the Brotherhood

had best step correct,

or their next move

will be their last.

Goodbye.

Can I ask you something?

Did I just say,

"They had best

step correct"?

Yes, sir. You did.

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