Urbania Page #4

God, it's great!

No. No, I'll tell you

how we met each other.

We met on the stairs.

You just came back

from that bicycle race.

Oh, okay.

And you were wearing

those shorts, you know...

skin tight, Nike, with a pink

slash running up the side?

Deedee, you ever see chuck

in those shorts?

Oh dear.

You live in the apartment

above mine.

Yeah, right,

I thought you looked familiar.

Let me buy you both

some drinks.

- No, that's all right.

- Sure!

Don't we have to go

to the show?

Oh, no, we got time, honey.

Great.

Another round, please.

- Same thing?

- Sure.

And some calamari.

Oh God, you guys look

so great together.

Well, we deserve each other.

I mean, good things happen

to people that deserve them.

I am sure it's just a matter

of time for you, charlie,

- you know what I mean?

- No, what do you mean?

You know what I mean,

the right girl.

You're going to find her.

It just might mean having to work

a little bit to find her.

There is this book

I've been reading.

- Please.

- It's about... What?

No, I wanna hear it.

He wants to hear it.

So in this book this guy,

he says, quote,

"There are two ways

to approach life:

As victim,

or as gallant fighter.

You must decide if

you're gonna act or react.

Deal your own cards

or play with a stacked deck.

Because if you don't decide

which way to play,

life always plays with you."

I mean, it's simple,

but it's...

Dopey, honey.

It's a little dopey.

- Dopey?

- No, I think it's...

well, yeah, it sounds dopey,

stupid, whatever.

But look, deep down

there is truth.

Yeah!

Like I had to work

to get you.

We were set up at this party

a couple of weeks ago,

and we really didn't

hit it off at first.

I thought he was

just adorable,

but a little too, "Hey."

I thought

she talked too much.

But the point is

I wanted him,

and I pushed until

I got him.

And here we are.

Honey...

You are so shy!

I just love him.

We are very fortunate.

You hear so many horror stories

about what's going on out there.

I heard this story about

this friend of a friend of mine.

He met this girl

once in a bar

kind of like this one,

like a hangout...

- I know this one.

- No.

Yeah, she steals

his kidney, right?

No, geeze.

Okay, so...

# Happy anniversary #

So anyway, they're talking

and drinking

and things were getting

kind of serious.

And they're drinking

more and more

and things were getting

more and more serious

until they decide to

go off somewhere.

So, they go back

to his place

and they do it.

Except he isn't wearing

anything on his...

I mean, I guess because it's,

he figures she really pretty

and she knows all the same

people he knows,

they're in the same tax bracket,

I don't know.

Anyway, he doesn't wear

anything on his dick.

So they spend

the night together.

And the next day he wakes up

to find she is gone.

He doesn't know who she is,

where she lives,

where she works.

The only thing

that she's left behind

Is this message

on the mirror,

"Welcome to the world of..."

AIDS:

...in lipstick.

Pretty creepy, huh?

Not a pleasant story,

not at all.

What is so funny you guys?

It's sick!

Honey, no...

What do you think

is so funny?

Oh, it's the worst.

Damn straight.

All right, some flyboy

fucks a chimpanzee in Zimbabwe

and we're supposed to wear

super elastic bubble plastic

for the rest of our lives.

Honey.

- This really happened, Dee?

- Yeah, that's the best part.

I mean, it's terrible, but...

- They're friends of friends?

- Yeah, why?

Because I heard the same story

like five years ago in Seattle.

It happened to the girl,

not the guy.

Why are you being so negative?

Because it's not your story?

This isn't about me.

We were supposed to be out

celebrating tonight.

You know, a different attitude,

a new leaf.

I just want you to think.

I think.

I think you better shut up.

I'm sorry.

So, chuck,

you don't think

sh*t like that happens?

Well, yeah, but sure not

to anybody I know.

Why not?

Because... come on.

Right. Right.

Sh*t like that happens

but not to people like you.

No.

Come on, that's people

who want to be people like you.

Life doesn't

just play with you, right?

People don't just use you.

They don't just take advantage...

A guy like you?

Damn straight.

But you know what?

I have to confess.

I know a story,

and this one really happened.

See, this person,

he suffered a tragedy recently.

His boyfriend...

well, he was no more,

so to speak.

And this person was feeling

mighty depressed about it,

so he was just

lying in bed,

sleepless as usual.

When all of a sudden

he could hear this couple

through the ceiling

just going at it.

You know, cursing

and yelping and moaning.

And he just kept listening.

Eventually, he stopped thinking

about his own misery

and just concentrated

on the sound of them f***ing.

So his hand reached down,

and he just thinks about

the guy upstairs,

the guy in

his bicycle shorts.

And the next thing

he knows,

all three of them

are finding God simultaneously.

- What the f***?

- Ever since then,

he's been looking

for the chance to say thank you.

Thank you for

a memorable evening,

even if you were only there

in spirit.

- Chuck.

- What? What's the matter?

- I f***ing knew it!

- It's just a story, right?

Let's get out of here!

No, hey, chuck,

this is on me.

Hey, where do you get off?

Well...

I ought to knock you

on your ass.

- Okay, go ahead.

- He's not worth it.

- What is your problem?

- My problem?

For one, I'm sick and tired

of you people

flaunting your lifestyle choices

in my face all the time.

Oh, so we owe you, right?

You think you got it

all figured out.

You don't know sh*t

about me.

F*** this.

Come on, get your ass...

Oh, sure, be mad at me now.

Here you go.

Honey,

we were having

such a good time.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to ruin your...

Well, actually, I did.

We're getting out of here.

Talk to f***ing anybody.

That's it,

have some more wine, Dee.

- Hey.

- What the f***?

F*** you up!

- Hey, man...

- Not now. Not now.

Woman:
Thanks, just the way

I like it.

Can I have a beer?

How are you doing

this evening?

- Something I can get you?

- Yeah.

Hey, man, buddy,

you seem like such a nice guy.

I don't want to bother you,

but I'm over there

at that bar taking a leak

and some guy comes in and...

I'm sorry, this is terrible.

Let me buy you a drink.

Bartender,

let me buy my friend a drink.

You're not gonna believe

what happened to...

- Gary.

- Gary.

Tell him what happened.

I'm over there taking a leak.

Before I know it

some guy comes in,

rams his hand in my pocket...

He's pissing on the floor,

he's pissing on the walls...

I'm sorry, this is your story,

go ahead.

The mother f***er

makes off with my wallet!

That's it.

That's not it.

Come on, Gary. That would be

bad enough, but the thing is,

the same exact thing

happened to Gary last week!

Right? You stopped me on the

street. You were killing time...

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