Urbania Page #5

Hey, hey! F*** you.

Oh, okay, f*** me.

F*** you and f*** you, too,

tough guy!

F*** you.

Who the f***

does she think she is?

You f*** with me,

I'm gonna f*** with you.

That's it. I don't care

if it's her f***ing mother.

- Then she wants to go...

- Wait.

This is before or after

you set the kitchen on fire?

It was...

I don't actually remember,

but that's not the point.

The point is,

is that I'm not some little

12-year-old, baby arsonist here.

I'm setting the fire

to prove a point.

- Sure.

- The point is, f*** her!

Am I some little n*gger

check out boy

bagging her f***ing

groceries?

No, I am banging the hell

out of her princess daughter.

I'm practically blood.

Then she calls the cops.

Like they're going

to give a sh*t.

I was telling these coppers

about her little dolls.

And these cops

are just looking at each other

like, "What the f***

are we doing here?

Let's get the f***

out of here."

- Dolls?

- Yeah, she ordered these dolls

from these ads,

or some sh*t.

And she won't let me

touch them.

You know? Do I got dirty hands,

or something?

Right. Then meanwhile,

in this whole f***ing house

there not a place

for me to sit,

because these dolls are taking

up airspace like they're guests.

They're f***ing relatives.

What am I?

What the hell am I?

You're the guy whose banging

her princess daughter.

F***ing "A" right!

Which I would think would

entitle me to a place to sit,

other than

the f***ing toilet upstairs.

So I just lit a cigarette,

like I'm doing right now,

and I just went like that.

Right on her f***ing

kitchen curtains.

Could we get another round?

Sure.

How bad was the fire?

As fires go.

I got the drapes,

I got the window sill,

I scorched a little bit

of linoleum.

But you got

her respect, right?

F*** her, man.

I got her attention.

It's a lot better

than her respect.

That's good for you.

All right, I gotta grab a table

for my friends, who are late.

It was good

talking to you.

- I'm charlie.

- Dean.

All right, Dean.

Your friend's late?

Yeah, I don't know.

How about you?

Waiting?

Waiting for nothing.

F***ing friends.

Yeah, what?

Nothing, they just,

you know, desert you.

Tell me about it.

You know, they get married.

Pretty soon, they're cruising

the mall with their wives.

- Cigarette?

- Yeah, thank you.

My buddy, last week,

he was the last one to go.

And was I even asked to be

the best f***ing man?

I'll tell you one thing,

I'm never getting married.

I mean,

I like booty and all,

but the f***ing grief

you got to go through to get it.

F*** that.

- Stop you're hurting me.

- Jerk!

I like my freedom.

Right, yeah. Freedom.

My problem is,

I have a very restless nature.

I don't even know what I want

in this life anymore.

Yeah. Sure.

I think to myself,

I look around, you know?

I think,

"No, uh uh, bull sh*t,

that you, them...

any f***ing body...

should have what they have

and then me be where I am."

What I deserve,

that's one.

This place

is a f***ing morgue, huh?

You wanna do a bone?

Sure.

Hey.

Next on our channel,

we got "At Home With Homos."

Yeah, well...

I guess it's not two and half

kids and a dog, right?

They don't have dogs, man.

They're too big.

You ever hear what they do

with their pets?

No, I hadn't

heard that one.

Now, I'm betting baldy

is the b*tch

and the goateed man

is the buck.

What do you think?

All right,

I'll take that bet, Dean.

You got a b*tch at home?

Yeah, sh*t,

charlie's p*ssy whipped.

You do the knives,

she does the spoons, right?

No, I was spoons.

Have you no shame?

Not since I met you.

I saw you

on the bus today.

Not me.

Everywhere I go in the city,

there you are.

I see you, I talk to you.

What do I say?

There's a whole lot

of "yes."

What?

What would the city look like

if you weren't here?

I'm here.

I'm yours.

And you will always

be mine, right?

See, I can talk

romantic, too.

Don't they know

people are watching?

Yeah, exactly.

Come on, let's go to the corner

and get a bottle of something.

F***ing freaks.

Man, that's how sick

these f***ers are, man.

They'd do anything.

Hey, here you go.

Thanks.

What are you

smiling at?

He's smiling at you.

I guess he likes

the look.

Yeah, they like

what they see.

Yeah, I got the look

these f***ers like.

Let's go over there.

- What?

- Let's go over there.

- Why?

- I want to get closer.

- Why?

- We'll have some fun.

Come on.

I feel like I'm on safari

watching the f***ing wildlife.

Why do you think it was

that the Almighty christ

put these fags on earth?

Like, I don't know,

like a giraffe?

What's the f***ing point

of a giraffe?

Was it strictly

for our amusement?

I guess now He figures,

"Nah, f*** this.

The joke's over.

Just get rid of these f***ers

once and for all."

Right?

What do you think?

I don't know, you tell me.

Sh*t.

I'm sure I don't know.

It's like my cousin.

I got this cousin,

he's retarded.

That's not his fault.

He's helpless.

See that there?

He goes through life

not knowing,

but they f***ing see.

They ride the train like

everybody else.

They see men

and they see women together.

They have to see.

They see the mothers,

fathers, sisters, husbands.

It's the way the whole world

is supposed to be.

Maybe it's not a choice.

Bull sh*t.

Bull sh*t, man.

Are you telling me

that it's not a choice

to have a f***ing

dick down your throat?

Bull sh*t, charlie.

Hey, f***er!

Let me tell you something!

My father died of cancer!

All right, that's a real

f***ing disease!

He didn't bite it by putting

some cock in his ass!

Man:
We won't mind, baby.

That's why

I f***ing hate them.

I'll tell you something,

they enjoy the abuse.

You know that?

They're like the spooks.

I mean it's like...

oh, you done this thing to me.

What am I supposed

to feel, guilt?

Hey, hey!

F*** you!

Man:
Okay, baby,

f*** me, f*** me!

Zoo time. Let's go.

Hey, hey, hey, Dean.

Just relax, all right?

F*** it.

Come on, let's go outside.

Come on.

Let's walk outside.

Yeah, like when

the moment's...

- Yeah.

...right.

When the moment's right.

Man:
Aw, don't go

away mad, baby.

All right?

I'll tell you something,

everybody...

especially this whole

f***ing crowd here...

is out to judge you.

I'm sorry about your father.

I don't give a flying f***

about my father.

He was a mean f***er.

He was a f***er

with a capital f***er.

I don't know.

Jesus H. Christ,

that's a f***ing look.

Hey.

- Hey.

- How you doing?

I'm doing great.

Yeah? Okay.

Glad to hear it.

- I'm Don.

- Well, I'm Dean.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Charlie.

So uh...

wanna take a walk?

I don't go nowhere

without my bud.

Oh, you're...

you two are together.

Yeah.

Oh, let's go.

Where?

Oh, can't wait, can you?

Yeah, he needs it

all the time, Donny.

Follow my lead.

Trust me, it's fun.

Dean.

Zoo time.

Hey.

I'm just so thirsty.

Oh, you are, huh?

So?

What are you

gonna do with me?

I can think

of a few things.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes