Vacation Page #4

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in his underpants last night!

Easy kids! Stop it!

Everyone into the car,

we leave in two minutes.

Or perhaps you don't want to see the

second-largest ball of twine on earth.

Which is only four short hours away.

Sweetheart, do you hear that rattle?

Where is it coming from?

Beats the heck out of me.

I've been looking for it since we left.

It's driving me crazy!

Dad, look behind you.

Now what have we done?

Will you hold my purse?

Just hold my purse!

Hello, officer, what's the problem?

Get out of the car!

I don't think I was speeding.

Was I weaving or something?

Shut up, sir!

If I wasn't in uniform, I'd split your

skull with the butt of this revolver...

...faster than you could

say, "police brutality. "

Officer, whatever it is I've done,

I'm sure I can explain.

Explain this, you son of a b*tch.

Oh, my God!

Do you know what the penalty

for animal cruelty is in this state?

No, sir.

It's probably pretty stiff!

You can't think I'd do this on purpose?

I tied him to the rear bumper

when I was packing the car.

It was very confusing,

I must've forgotten.

I'm sorry. I feel terrible.

How do you think that little dog feels?

I'm sorry, it really was an accident.

I guess I can buy that, sir.

But it is a shame.

I had a dog like that when I was a kid.

Poor little guy.

He probably kept up with you

for a mile or so.

Tough little mutt.

I was afraid you would

get pulled over, Clark.

You've been exceeding the speed

limit for thousands of miles!

Dad wasn't speeding.

The officer stopped us

because Dad...

He was speeding, Rusty!

No, he wasn't, Mom.

Listen to your mother!

I was speeding.

I was driving like a maniac.

We can all be grateful

that this man stopped us!

- You see, kids, a car...

- Here's the leash, sir.

I'm going back to get the rest

of the carcass off the road.

Thank you, officer.

Have a nice day.

Is this your idea of a good restaurant?

Dog killer!

I'm sure the food is just fine.

I'll take that.

Thank you.

Oh, kids!

Waitress!

"I've had some lonely nights

"And I'll admit I cried sometimes

"Cause you were out of my life

"But then you called my name

"And you came back again

"I feel so inspired

"Kissing your lips of fire

"Little boy sweet, little boy sweet

"Sweet little boy of mine"

What happened?

What happened to your hair?

You're sweating!

Are you blushing?

Don't be silly.

Are you all right, Clark?

Of course, I'm fine!

I'm having a ball!

Come on, honey, look at the mountains,

breathe the air!

Put on a happy face for me.

I guess there's not much

more that can happen to us.

I think the worst is behind us.

Clark, I need my vanity case.

We have to go back and look for it.

All my credit cards are in it.

Honey, number one: I've already

called the bank and reported the loss.

We'll never find it when

we don't know where it fell off.

And three:
I've got my credit cards.

And we've still got plenty of cash, okay?

No, we don't.

You gave $500 to Eddie.

And everything has cost twice

as much as you figured out.

Honey, there's nothing in that luggage

that can't be replaced.

Except for your diaphragm.

We can cash a check down the road.

Don't you trust me?

As long as you don't tie me

to the rear bumper.

That hurt.

Clark, I think we're lost.

We're not lost!

Ellen, please, let me do the driving.

I don't think you'll find

the Grand Canyon on this road.

Jesus, it's only the biggest

goddamn hole in the world!

Clark, watch your language!

Make that the second largest.

Dad, I haven't seen a car for an hour!

Shut up, Audrey!

Dad knows where he's going.

Thank you.

You're lost!

Ma, I saw some detour signs!

I didn't see any.

I saw them when you and Mom

were trying to fold the map.

When they close a road

they put up big signs.

Like this one.

I think I broke my nose!

I stabbed my brain.

I just got my period.

I'm going to check under the hood.

Audrey, gather up all the clothes,

and put them in a pile.

Rusty, find the first aid kit,

then bring the suitcases here.

Where can I go to the bathroom?

Find a bush, Audrey!

Dad, you must've jumped

the car about 50 yards!

It's nothing to be proud of, Rusty.

Fifty yards.

Ellen, get me out of here!

Stay in the car!

It's hot and dangerous out here!

Don't you tell me what to do!

I'll do what I want!

I should never have come

on this trip with you!

I should have taken an airplane!

And he, he shouldn't even have

a license to drive an automobile.

He should be behind bars!

Sit down, and shut up!

Move out of that seat,

and I'll split your lip!

Rusty, come up here!

I am going to have to hike down

the road to find a service station.

I want you to stay here

and take care of things.

Will you be okay?

Oh, sure.

I haven't had a chance

to talk to you, man to man.

I've only been a man a few days, Dad.

You're growing up so fast.

I have spent the past 15 years...

...developing newer and better

food additives.

I guess I missed a lot.

At first, I didn't want

to take this vacation.

Now I'm glad I did.

It has given me a chance

to spend more time with you and...

Audrey.

Audrey. Yeah.

It's been fun for me, too, Dad.

Except for Aunt Edna.

She doesn't mean to be

a pain in the rump.

It's just the way she is.

Let's not let it spoil our fun, okay?

I won't.

Maybe she would be nicer

if she had a family of her own.

Instead of always having to latch

onto someone else's.

You're a pretty bright little guy.

Excuse me... man.

It's okay.

Do you know what I want to do?

When I was your age,

my dad shared a beer with me.

And I thought it was

the best thing ever.

When I was a boy, just about

every summer we'd take a vacation.

In 18 years, we never had fun.

Now I have my own family.

And we're on our own vacation.

You know what?

What, Dad?

We're going to have fun.

We're going to have fun.

Don't let your mother smell

that beer on your breath.

She'll take it out on me.

I better get moving if I want

to get us out of here by dark.

Good talk, son.

Good talk, Dad.

Clark?

I just had a good talk with Rusty.

You'll be in good hands here, honey.

Where are you going?!

There must be a phone or a gas station

around here, honey.

All right, but if you're

not back in an hour...

I'll be fine. You'll be fine.

I'm sure this happens all the time.

A patrol car will be by any minute.

"Over the river and through the woods

"To Grandmother's house we go

"A thousand bottles of beer on the wall

"Four bottles of beer

"If one of those bottles

should happen to fall...

"I love a parade

"The trampling of feet,

I love the beat I hear of a drum

"I love a parade"

We pass a goddamn gas station

every 100 yards for 1,000 miles!

But when you really need one,

you end up walking your ass off.

This is no way to run a desert!

Jesus! I'm going to die!

What an a**hole!

Taxi. Taxi!

I'm dead.

I'm dying. I'm dead. I'm finished.

Hot! Hot!

I'm not sure of his

exact height and weight.

All I know is the man was

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