Vacation Page #5

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a saint with children...

...and a genius with food additives...

...and...

Clark!

Ellen!

Russ!

Audrey?

Audrey!

Are you all right?

I'm fine!

What happened to you?

How did you get here?

Well these two nice Indians and

a man on a camel called a tow truck.

Daddy's back!

Kids, are you thirsty?

- Yeah, I bet you are too!

- You said it!

What do I owe you?

I never heard of no one so stupid

as you driving off that road.

You must have manure for brains.

Yes, well, I'm from out of town.

What's the bill?

Come on. How much?

How much do you have?

No, I'm asking how much the repairs are.

I'm asking you, how much do you have.

You're crazy.

I don't have time to play around.

How much is it?

All of it, boy.

What does your sheriff think

of your business practices?

Audrey, how much

baby-sitting money do you have?

How come?

How much?

What's the matter?

I just spent $500

on four bald tires and a tow!

How much do you have?

$35.

She has $40, Dad.

How would you know? Unless you went

in my purse, you rotten sneak.

Have you been going through

her private property?

I don't give a frog's fat ass

who went through what.

We need money!

Edna, how much do you have?

She's asleep, Clark!

Russ, do you want to look

through Edna's purse?

Clark!

Unzip it.

She has 11 cents, Dad.

Terrific.

The motel will cash your check.

They better. We're going to

run out of gas.

I'm sorry, sir.

I can't accept this credit card.

Why not?

The computer says

it's has been reported lost.

My wife lost her credit

cards in Colorado and I reported it.

The computer is probably reporting that

I lost mine also, which I haven't.

Well, you'll have to straighten that out

with your bank.

Will you accept a personal check?

For what amount?

$300.

I can't do that, sir.

Look, I've lost all my cash and

we're on our way to California.

Walley World?

Yeah! Walley World!

And I'm sort of stuck between

a rock and a hard place.

You know I'd really appreciate it.

We require a major credit card.

I have $6.13 to my name...

...so I can see we're going to have

to work something out.

I've already told you that

I can't accept a check...

...without a major credit card.

I'll give you a check for $1,000.

All you have to give me is $300 in cash.

You can then keep $700 for doing nothing

more than acting like a total creep.

The only thing I can do...

...is have you stay here

until the check clears.

Ten working days!

Let's go, come on!

Where is Edna?

In the car!

Good! Come on, get in the car.

Don't you want to look

at the Grand Canyon?

Great, let's go.

Rusty, wake up!

Get out those sandwiches

I got at the gas station.

I'm so hungry, I could eat

a sandwich from a gas station.

There's one for everyone.

Audrey, wake Aunt Edna. It's time

for her to eat and take her pill.

Please, get off of me!

Mom, tell Audrey to stop pushing

Aunt Edna on me.

I'm sick of her lying

on me all the time!

Be quiet!

Auntie?

Honey, it's only a few hours to Phoenix!

Let her be, she's fine!

She's not fine!

She's fine! Don't be silly!

She's not fine, Clark!

She's dead!

She breathed on me!

A dead person breathed on me!

Her hand touched me!

She's stiff already!

Goddamn it, anyway!

She must have passed away

somewhere near Flagstaff.

What are we going to do, Clark?

Well, we could leave her here...

...and the first phone we pass,

we'd call your cousin, Normie...

...and he can come and get her, I guess.

That's the meanest, coldest...

What do you want me to do,

call Federal Express?

Mom, we don't have to ride

with a dead person, do we?

Please say we don't!

Come on, Mom. It'd be real easy

for Cousin Normie to find her.

All he'd have to do is

look for the buzzards.

Hell! Then we'll drive her

to Cousin Normie's.

I just didn't want to get caught up in

a funeral, inquests and all that crap.

You're the most self-centered,

egotistical, manipulative...

Don't say anything you'll regret, Ellen!

I'm being practical.

If we drove straight through...

...we'd have three days

at Walley World at best.

Three.

She can't weight more than 100 pounds.

Oh, no!

You can't put her up on that roof!

Yes, he can!

Do you want me to strap her to the hood?

What's the difference? She'll be fine.

It's not as if it's going to rain

or something.

This is terrible!

What a nightmare!

Don't just blurt it out

about Edna dying!

How about if I ask him

to play a guessing game?

Oh, no, he isn't even home.

Maybe the neighbors know where he is.

The moron knows we're coming,

and he isn't home.

Normie's always been flighty.

He's always been a jag-off.

Will you watch your mouth?

There's a note.

"Have gone to Flagstaff.

Be back on Monday. "

What a worm!

It's locked!

Okay, let's go!

We can't leave her on the patio!

Would you rather I slipped her in the

night deposit box at the funeral home?!

Come on!

It's raining all over her!

She can't catch a cold now, Mom!

Clark? We have to at least

say something.

Okay, bow your heads, bow your heads.

Oh, God...

Ease our suffering in this,

our moment of great despair!

Admit this good and decent woman

into Thine arms and the flock...

...in Thine heavenly area up there.

And Moab he laideth down

behind the land of the Canaanites.

And, yea,

though the Hindus speak of karma...

Clark!

I implore you, give her a break.

Clark!

Clark, this is a serious matter!

I'll do it myself!

Honey, I'm not an ordained minister!

I'm doing my best, okay?

Lord, we love this woman

with all our hearts!

Let's not overdo it, Mom!

Shut up!

We know she deserves

better than this...

...but my husband wants his

beloved family to get to Walley World...

...to have their vacation!

I hope you understand!

Have mercy on his soul!

Amen! Let's go!

I hope you children have learned

something about life and death!

Yeah! Don't die unless someone is home!

I think Normie will understand...

...when he sees the note

we pinned on Edna's sleeve.

Sure! You left his dead mother

tied to a lawn chair in his backyard!

I'm sure he won't mind!

It's all over and done with!

We'll find a motel and start fresh

in the morning.

I don't want to be in the car anymore.

I want to go home!

I don't want to go to Walley World!

Clark? Under the circumstances,

I would rather we just go home.

In retrospect, driving across country,

has been one disaster after another!

Yeah, it's been a real drag, Dad!

Maybe we can try it some other time.

Walley World's overrated anyway.

What do you think?

I think you're all f***ed in the head.

We're ten hours from the f***ing

fun park and you want to bail out.

Well, I'll tell you something.

This is no longer a vacation!

It's a quest!

It's a quest for fun.

I'm going to have fun and

you're going to have fun.

We're all going to have

so much f***ing fun...

...we'll need plastic surgery

to remove our goddamn smiles.

You'll be whistling zippity-doo-dah

out of your a**holes!

I have to be crazy.

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