Vacation Page #6

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I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose.

Praise Marty Moose! Holy sh*t!

Dad, do you want

an aspirin or something?

Don't touch!

The next time you have

one of your outbursts...

...I'd appreciate it if you'd have

some consideration for your kids.

What are you talking about?

You don't know?

All I know is I'm trying to treat

my family to a little fun!

Spare me, Clark!

I know your brand of family fun.

Tomorrow you'll probably

kill the desk clerk...

...hold up a McDonald's, and drive us

a thousand miles out of the way...

...to see the world's largest

ball of mud!

You know what your problem is?

You have an uncanny knack

for looking at the dark side of things.

That's your problem.

You wouldn't know a good time

if it came up and bit you!

Where are you going?

What do you care?

Are you waiting for someone?

No! Do you mind if I sit down?

Fancy seeing you here.

Having a nice little family vacation?

It would appear so, wouldn't it?

No, the truth of it is,

and this is highly confidential...

...I own this motel.

I own the whole chain, nationwide.

Twenty-two hundred units.

Yeah, once a year,

I travel across the country, incognito.

Check things out,

and see how the operation is running.

I thought you were going to say

you worked for the CIA.

That's an old bit, isn't it?

Really.

No, I'm not with the CIA.

I was, but that was a long time ago.

I don't like to talk about it.

No, I'm mainly interested

in my motels now...

And my airline.

That's great.

I'm just trying to have a little fun.

It's a shame you're married.

I'm in the mood for some fun.

Married?

You mean those people I'm with?

That's my brother's family.

My brother's ring.

I usually borrow them on these

little inspection tours of mine.

It helps to complete the disguise.

It's fun for them.

It's a good disguise.

I like the station wagon effect.

Yeah? Well, that's a big part of it.

In order to be convincing, you have

to look and act like an ordinary jerk.

You know, stop at all the stupid sites

and look like a fool.

Basically, be yourself?

Yeah!

You like the disguise?

My credo is, if you have

to have a credo...

...you know, "Go for it," pretty much.

You only go around this crazy

merry-go-round once! You know?

I agree.

Yeah.

That's my credo!

You don't have to have a credo, but...

"If the shoe fits, wear it. "

"A penny saved... "

"Pennies from heaven... "

My favorite credo...

...you know "A penny saved, and... "

Thank you.

This feels great!

Well...

...are you going to go for it?

Uh... here?

To start with, yes.

Why not? Don't you swim?

Sure, I took third in the state finals

in my senior year.

Yeah, I'm really at ease in the water.

I'm proficient in many strokes

and I dive.

As a matter of fact,

I could've been in the Olympics.

Yeah. I'll be right there.

Yeah. This is crazy, this is crazy,

this is crazy!

How's the water?

Exhilarating!

I'm in deep, I'm in deep!

It's cold! Jesus! F***!

Clark?

Cold!

Clark...?

Hi, honey.

What are you doing?

Swimming!

Yeah, my back was killing me.

And I thought I'd get a swim

and loosen up the muscles.

Why go to the car and get

the bathing suit? Jump right in.

It's exhilarating.

Guess what, honey?

This person here was...

...here!

I didn't see this person, so...

...I screamed, that's why I yelled.

I was so surprised.

You can imagine, can't you, honey?

Honey?!

Will you excuse me?

You have to go.

Well, I'd stay if I weren't married,

but I am.

I know.

I hope I didn't spoil your evening.

No, it's been interesting.

Well, enjoy the rest of your trip.

You, too.

I can't believe this.

I am so humiliated.

Cut it out. You don't even know

how to inhale.

So?!

Maybe I don't want to.

You're such a dork.

How can he do this to Mom?

They'll probably get a divorce.

I better have a talk with him.

What are you doing up?

You woke the whole motel up, Dad.

I was...

...swimming.

Yeah, I saw you.

Russ, come here a minute.

You know I wouldn't

do anything to hurt your Mom.

It's been a long drive.

I work very hard for you,

Audrey and your mom.

I guess when you get older

you get these feelings...

...and these feelings make you do

things you wouldn't normally do.

Like swimming naked with girls?

Yeah! Like swimming naked with girls.

Well, not with girls.

You think I was swimming with girls?

I saw just one girl.

Who, that girl?

Oh, no, that's a waitress.

No, I was just ordering in.

She's a pool waitress.

I was ordering some fish

for you, Audrey and Mom.

She took your order?

She took my order, yeah.

Swimming waitress.

You understand, don't you, Russ?

Sure, I understand.

Do you think Mom will buy it?

Good talk, son. Go to bed, Russ.

Goodnight.

Ellen?

Ellen?

Honey?

Are you mad?

No.

Do you like that girl?

Is that what you want?

Oh, no.

How could I like a girl like that?

She's ugly.

I love you.

I'm sorry about everything.

I got angry because

you were right and I knew it.

I was hurt, honey.

I'm sorry, too.

It's not all your fault.

I know you've been trying.

I'm going to try, too.

I know how to have fun.

And I'm going to prove it.

Come on. Come on! Come on!

Honey, you don't have

to prove anything to me.

I want us to have some fun together.

- Come on!

- The water's very...

We must be getting close.

We're almost there.

Everybody just take it easy.

I know we're getting close.

What is that? What is that?

There it is!

Walley World, next three exits!

We made it dammit! We made it!

The Griswolds are

one hell of a family, huh?

Don't get too much sun, now.

It's beautiful!

It's just beautiful!

Oh, darling!

- We made it!

- You did it, Clark. Sparky...

We're the first ones here!

We're the first ones here!

But we're so far away, Clark.

And, at the end of the day,

when the lot's all full...

...and everybody's fighting

to get out of here...

...we'll be the first ones

to get out, too!

Why?

Because we're the Griswolds!

Come on, I'll race you!

Sorry, folks.

We're closed for 2 weeks...

...to clean and repair

America's favorite family fun park!

Clark! What are you doing?

We watch his program.

We buy his toys.

We go to his movies!

He owes us!

Doesn't he owe us, huh?

He owes the Griswolds, right?!

F***ing right, he owes us!

Clark, you're scaring me!

Don't be scared!

I just think someone owes us

an explanation, that's all!

Come on...

Clark, now just a minute!

Honey, will you check

the mileage, please?

Where are you going?

I'll be right back...

I'm just going to get

some sporting goods.

Clark, will you listen to me?

Let's just find a hotel.

I'll have my parents wire us money.

We'll fly home and forget

this vacation ever happened.

Relax. I told you I'm not angry

anymore, I'm in complete control.

They can't be repairing

every ride at the same time!

I think they owe us an explanation

and a little fun.

Whatever happens, just trust me.

Will you just trust me?

Sorry folks, the park's closed.

The moose outside should have told you.

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