Valentino Page #6

Well, ha ha, now you're back in California

where they do.

OK, Natasha, come on.

You're getting out of here,

but Rudy has to wait for the banks to open.

Don't worry, Rudy.

My stepfather will stand for bail.

He owes it to you

for taking me off his hands.

Please, Natasha.

I'd rather you didn't.

Look, Rudy, I...

Don't worry about it, OK?

Worry? Worry about what, George?

Nothing, nothing. OK, come on, Natasha,

let's get out of here.

Take this in remembrance of me.

Wear it always.

I promise you most sacredly, my darling...

Yes, my love?

...I'll get that little worm Lasky for this

if it takes me the rest of my life.

Chin up, Rudy.

Come the dawn, you'll be as free as a bird.

Just keep holding your nose.

Ah, here, lover boy.

Another nice, strong mug of coffee.

- Thanks. Much obliged.

- You're welcome.

I don't guess you was figuring on sleeping

too much tonight anyway, huh?

Not a chance.

That's some broad.

Too bad we couldn't have obliged

with the honeymoon suite.

It would've been quite an education

peeping through the bars.

We'd have seen how much you got there

hanging between your legs.

The eight wonder of the world, they say.

And I'll bet the blushing bride

could've showed us a trick or two.

Leave her out of it.

Now, that's a naughty boy.

Gonna have to teach him a lesson.

Like er...

taking away his toilet privileges.

Stronzo! Merda!

Which is a shame

because there was a little something

in that coffee you've been drinking all day

to make you want to piss all night.

Hey, Willie.

The world's greatest expert here tonight.

Why don't you ask him for a few pointers

on split-tail anatomy?

Poor Willie - he's been inside so long

he's forgotten what it looks like.

Hey, Willie, say hello to the world's

greatest lover,

Mr Rudolph Valentino.

Give us a shake, Sheik.

(Speaks Italian)

And you'll never guess

it's his wedding night.

Just stick it through the bars, Rudy,

and close your eyes,

'cause you'll never know the difference.

No kidding, Willie.

This guy has it ten times a day.

The broads just throw themselves on it.

Ten times a day, that's nothing.

I get it twenty times.

Can you hear that? Twenty!

Once I had it twenty-four times.

Every hour on the hour.

And I can draw it out,

make it one long f***.

That's what life should be about -

one long f***.

You gotta f*** them

before they f*** you, right?

You gotta f*** them

before they f*** you.

See, that's it, Willie boy!

Go f*** your fist!

That's all you're gonna get

for the next twenty years, Willie.

Hey, Chief,

kick the piss out of him.

Any minute now, fellas,

I'm gonna sell tickets! Ha-ha!

Eh, what's the matter, Rudy?

You want a change of diaper?

The eighth wonder of the world

needs a plumber.

(Indistinct)

Come on, come on, clear off the street.

Keep that street clear.

(Indistinct shouting)

Natasha, Rudy, my children.

How you must have suffered. I moved

heaven and earth to get you out of there.

I was just reading the judge's summing up.

Seems it was all a mistake anyway.

Mexican laws aren't recognised

in the State of California.

So, the ceremony was null and void.

- Neither was the marriage consummated.

- So I read.

- The prison bars got in the way.

- I'm truly sorry.

But now that's all over and forgotten.

Let's get down to the reason

I asked you to come and see me.

Then we'll talk Son Of The Sheik.

And while you're at it,

why not Grandson Of The Sheik?

I'm happy to say that the board of directors

have just given the nod

to a little pet project of mine that's been

in the works for some time now, Rudy,

namely a raise for yours truly.

We're not interested in a raise,

we're interested in

double our present salaries.

It would be most appreciated

if you could make yourself available

for make-up test and costume fittings

on Monday.

We're not interested in trying on

any new turbans just now, thank you.

Nor are we interested in pictures

which debase our talent.

This "we" we insist upon over-using,

Miss Hudnut,

this is editorial, or do we now think

we're the Queen of Sheba?

From now on, I want script approval.

(Chuckles)

That's ridiculous, Rudy.

Nobody gets script approval.

Fairbanks and Pickford

get script approval.

But they own their own studio.

They are United Artists.

Artists, huh! A bunch of phoney curls

and a muscle-bound moustache.

He's a bigger star than both of them.

He, until a few short years ago,

was a two-bit dancehall gigolo.

If it wasn't for me,

you would be bankrupt.

I made you millions,

and you offer me trash.

Unless you honour

the spirit of my contract,

I will be compelled

to find work elsewhere.

The only work you'll find, young man,

is waiting on tables in some spaghetti joint.

Your contract here

is two more years to go,

and if you so much as take a pratfall

in a Mexican two-reeler,

I'm gonna slap an injunction

on your little Italian ass.

Well, we could use the vacation.

Vacation, huh?

Two years off the screen,

and he'll be dead and buried.

To my public I will never die,

and when Valentino returns,

he will not reward their loyalty

with rubbish.

Ne crachez pas en l'air.

I warn you! You'll never work again,

you meatball!

(Bird squawks)

(Valentino) You are the spirit

that moves the universe,

the songs that wakes the day,

the waves that soothe the sand,

the giving hand, the magic of a touch,

the peace of afterglow,

the mystery of night,

the promise of delight.

You make me sound like a shopping list.

The thrill of surrender,

the fount of all pleasure,

the power of religion,

my meaning for existence,

my vision of heaven,

my life eternal,

my love,

my friend.

Pure doggerel, darling,

but I like the sentiment.

Then you must help me

turn it into poetry.

We'll work on it after lunch.

I think we'll have to set another place.

I fear it is a newspaper man.

Do you think

we ought to make a run for it?

There's nowhere left to run to.

Good morning. George Ullman.

I represent Mineralava Toiletries.

Well, we haven't got a cent between us.

- I hope you've got some free samples.

- Oh, you betcha.

Although I don't think your lady here

is in need of them, Mr Valentino.

Natasha, a fan.

Oh, yes, sir.

I've seen all your films.

Four Horsemen, Blood and Sand,

The Sheik.

Of course, I haven't seen one

in quite a while.

In a long while.

Over a year now.

And we've never been happier

in our lives.

Mrs Crusoe and Robinson.

Our own island.

Who needs Man Friday?

No one who'd settle

for sand and seaweed soup.

I know about you

losing your suit with Lasky.

I also know you owe your lawyers

$50,000,

money which you could

very well use right now.

But I guess that's beside the point.

The press has been saying

that you're washed up,

but I think differently. My card.

Mineralava Toiletries.

He's not kidding.

Oh, no, ma'am. We have the largest range

of ladies' aids and beauty clays

in the Continental U.S. -

save of course for Richard Hudnut

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes