Van Wilder Page #5

that my editor has asked me

to do an expos on him...

for the school newspaper.

Isn't that wonderful?

- That will be quite the page-turner.

- It'll be a very well-written article.

Gwen is an extremely gifted

journalist.

Are you and Richard

in the same fraternity?

Oh, no.

Van isn't exactly

Delta Iota Kappa material.

Richard, you rascal, you never

told me that you were a DIK.

Not that you had to.

I'm gonna go get

another bottle of champagne.

- Richard, will you help me open it?

- Sure.

Wow.

If he's here,

who's running Hell?

- What are you doing out there?

- Proving a point.

Your friend doesn't fit in.

He's a virus, and I'm the vaccine.

- I can't believe you're doing this.

- Pop quiz. True or false.

You and that GDI have been spending

an inordinate amount of time together.

True. Now here's a multiple choice

question for you.

You're A, an a**hole; B, an a**hole

who isn't staying at my place tonight...

- or C, all the above?

- What's B again?

Gwenny, I'm kidding.

I apologize.

- Gwenny, where are you going?

- To go save Van.

God only knows what my parents and

their stuck-up friends are doing to him.

Okay! All right!

You're a natural, Dr. P.

Hey, what are you looking at?

- Henke, you're up. Come on.

- All right.

Easy, sailor.

All right, Wilder, let's dance.

It's a good day to die, McDoogle.

Oh, yes.

Jesus! Criminy!

What happened to you, Wilder?

Don't think I don't remember.

You got an A

in my freshman economics class.

You remember one thing--

Apathy is the glove

into which evil slips its hand.

I'll write that down.

You do that.

You're not fooling anybody!

You're only fooling yourself!.

- Why don't you walk?

- I think I'll walk from here.

Are you stalking me?

Because that would be super.

My mom did want me to invite you

to her Tupperware party next week.

Was that a--

Judges' ruling.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

I do believe that was a joke.

I want to apologize for what

Richard did the other night.

It was a really immature stunt.

Yeah, I know...

but sometimes guys can do

some pretty childish things.

Let us proceed.

- Is he ready?

- Ah, yeah, he's ready.

It's go time.

Such a good boy.

Oh, stop for a second.

Stop.

Okay. Keep going.

For the love of God.

Smile, buddy.

Lovely.

It's all about presentation,

gentlemen.

Well, I'll be damned!

Poor guy just needed

a little TLC.

I got it, guys.

No problem whatsoever.

Let the damn baby

have his ball back.

Thank you, brothers.

It's not like he can see

out of it anyway.

Loser.

Awesome work, sisters.

Special delivery!

- Time out.

- What the f***, Jeannie?

"From the sisters of Sigma Theta Tau."

Dig in, guys.

Oh, they're still warm.

- So creamy.

- They're awesome.

Oh, they're so creamy.

God, these are excellent.

Guys? Richard?

Think I've had these before.

Oh, my God!

I love this song.

I know.

It is the White Barry.

Is that for me?

I long to rub you the right way.

You're such a bad

little Badalandabad.

No harm, no foul.

- Are you all right?

- Never better, my jasmine flower.

That feels so good.

Oh, my God.

Take me.

I want you now.

Now!

Sh*t!

Don't tease me.

This is the culmination

of my being.

Baby, I'm about to culminate.

Now, get over here.

Tajy, I'm so hot.

- I feel on fire.

- Oh, yeah, me too, baby.

- Burning up.

- Oh, yeah, baby, I'm burning up.

You are most amazing

to make me feel so...

damn hot!

I wonder how T-Bad's date's going.

Scented candles,

massage oils, Barry White.

Yeah, we can't be too far

from climax, huh?

- Why do I always fail?

- You put too much pressure on yourself.

Don't worry about the money.

I'll figure something out.

More importantly...

when the time is right...

it'll happen.

You'll find the one.

I need to see the grade transcripts

for Van Wilder, please.

I don't think so.

Student transcripts

are confidential. Sorry.

Swim team really does

need your love, folks.

And if Milty Mingleton

can shove himself...

into that weenie bikini...

then you don't need to be shy

about making your donations now!

Thank you, Milty!

After we put all the water

back in the pool...

we'll be accepting donations

in the form of...

cash, Visa

and full-frontal nudity.

Hutch, take over.

That's right, folks.

Save the swim team.

Bikini-clad judges for a fund-raiser?

That's pretty ingenious.

Sex sells, Gwen. Sex sells.

It's not too late for you to enter

the doubles breaststroke if you like.

No, thanks.

I forgot my suit.

I just came across a bit

of interesting information.

All right, look.

The vet assured me that canine semen

is perfectly healthy.

In fact, surprisingly rich--

You've been 18 units shy of graduating

for the past 6 semesters.

Whoa. You went klepto

on my transcripts.

What's going on with you?

You're actively trying

not to get out of here.

Why are you doing this? Do you ever

stop playing the in-depth reporter?

I just want to know why

you're putting off your life.

Not for the paper.

For me.

I have no comment...

for either of you.

External occipital protuberance.

Posterior gluteal line.

Dorsal appendage. Gwen.

- Was the last one right?

- Yeah, that's right.

Wrong! The dorsal appendage exists

only in marine-equipped mammalia.

I knew you weren't listening.

- What's wrong with you?

- Nothing. I'm fine.

Let's get out of here,

go grab a beer.

Are you insane?

You know my midterm and finals ritual.

I study till 11:
00.

Nine solid hours of sleep.

Protein shake in the morning.

Okay, very cute.

And also correct.

Which gives us 2 hours

and 53 minutes of study time.

So, honey, please focus.

All righty?

I have confirmations

from the African-American Club...

the Gay and Lesbian Caucus,

MECCA, HEPA, PETA.

This multi-coalition party

was a masterful plan.

It should triple our income.

I just hope it's enough.

Van, you must listen to me.

We are merely one party away

from accomplishing our goal.

What if she's right, huh?

What if I'm avoiding graduation

because I'm scared?

Listen to yourself, meathead.

You've never doubted yourself

in your whole life.

This girl's got you thinking, man.

It's not good.

- Not good at all.

- Hey, you!

Please move banner

a skosh higher, huh?

You got all this.

I'm gonna go--

I'm gonna go make some calls

for the party, okay?

- Hi, Van.

- Hi, Donna.

Hey, guys.

- What are you doing in here?

- I had to talk to you.

I thought a lot about

what you said, and--

Well, just--

just take a look at this.

Yeah. Doodles.

I attended class today.

Just about stayed the whole time too.

I'm glad you went

to all your classes today.

And a few that weren't mine.

Stepped into the wrong one.

Liked what I heard, stayed.

That's great. It really is.

It really is.

But don't do it for me.

Do it for you.

Maybe I'm doing it

for both of us.

I shouldn't even

be talking to you like this.

And I shouldn't be

in the women's locker room!

But sometimes you gotta let

your heart lead you...

even if you know it's someplace

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