Van Wilder Page #6

you know you're not supposed to be.

How often does your heart lead you

into the women's locker room?

- This would be a first.

- Why do I find that hard to believe?

I'm not saying I've never

been in here before.

I'm saying it's usually a different part

of my anatomy that does the leading.

Oh, my God.

I just couldn't believe it.

Gwen and Van in the women's locker room.

I mean, I just couldn't believe it.

So anyway, let me tell you something.

I'm sorry, fellas.

The bakery's closed.

- I'm here to enlist your services.

- Let me guess.

"Come as your favorite drunk-on-jis,

come-gargling frat boy party"?

Then your mom can come.

It's gonna be a bachelor party.

One last night of debauchery

with the fellas...

before settling down

with my fiance, Gwen.

Oh, please, you didn't think she'd

be interested in a fuckup like you?

That ought to be enough

to get you started.

Hello?

Casey.

I'm just using Gwen's computer.

Is Gwen there?

I need to talk to her.

She's at Richard's getting ready for

the engagement dinner tonight. Message?

Nope. That's all right.

Bye. Thanks for coming.

Lindsey and Rob make such

a great couple, don't you think?

Yeah, I'm happy for them.

They're gonna make a great

married couple too. You know why?

Because they love each other?

Because they're compatible.

Like a heart transplant patient finding

a donor with the same blood type...

and just the right

chromosomal anomalies.

A perfect match,

connected forever.

But that would mean

one of them would have to be dead.

Gwenny, I'm just saying

that they're a match.

Just like you and me.

Lucky girl.

Gwendolyn Elizabeth Pearson...

I'd be honored if you and I

surgically and spiritually...

grafted our lives together.

Richard,

I don't know what to say.

Just say yes, because

I've got even more amazing news.

Northwestern called this morning.

They wanna interview me.

They're gonna send some recruit alums

to campus for written and oral exams.

And then I am in!

Oh, man, Northwestern.

That's great.

I'm so happy for you, Richard.

Be happy for both of us. The Richard

and Gwen life plan is kicking in.

Northwestern.

I am the sh*t.

Your father wants to get us a place in

Forest Grove as an engagement present.

- My parents know about this?

- Yeah, I told everyone.

Where are you going?

I'm not sure,

and for some reason...

I feel really good

about that.

I can't hold on

There's no easy way

Hey, Van, can I borrow--

My God, what happened to you?

- I got hit by a big truck.

- Are you okay?

I'm all out of love

I'm so lost without you

I know you were right

Believing for so long

Dope song.

What's it called?

"Gwen Used Me For Her Story,

Then Married an Ass Wipe...

and Ran Over My Heart

With a Big Metaphorical Truck."

Originally performed

by Air Supply.

Who's Air Supply?

How old are you, Sally?

I'm old enough to be jealous

of that Gwen girl.

Okay, you can do this.

I'm all out of love

I'm so lost without you

I know you were right

believing for so long

You must be Gwen--

the truck driver.

Hey. Excuse me.

Gwen!

Hey, hold up a second.

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

What were you doing in there?

As smashed as I am, I'm pretty sure

that's my room, wasn't it?

What was that girl,

a freshman?

She reads at a sophomore level.

This was a big mistake, Van.

I'm leaving.

Why are you here? Did you come to

hire me to do your bachelorette party?

'Cause your party pimp has already

been booked by your fianc.

- My fianc? What are you talking about?

- When are you two tying the knot?

Seriously, I'd really

like to hold that date open.

That is none of your business.

And you know what?

You're none of mine.

Sounds to me like your rectal itch

was getting a late-night booty scratch.

First, my b*tch turns down my proposal.

Then she runs into that loser's arms.

Now I don't even know

where my b*tch is.

Wilder's got some big blowout tonight.

Maybe your b*tch is gonna be there.

You do not call her that, gonad!

Hey, guys.

Just giving you all the 411 .

I'm a counselor for the Further

Leaders of America's overnighter.

The bus doesn't leave for a few hours.

Is there anything I can do before I go?

Anything at all?

Okay, listen up. We've got

one quick stop off before we go.

Tit wad!

All right, thank you, man.

Enjoy yourself.

All right, sister. Enjoy yourself.

Power to the people.

- How you doing, my man?

- What's up?

I hate to break this to you, Ming,

but you ain't Asian.

Man, you ever heard

of Tiger Woods, b*tch?

You better get out of here before I hit

you upside the head with a three iron.

What's wrong with you?

Enjoy yourself.

- What's wrong, dog?

- Nothing. I don't feel like partying.

That's a first.

Hey, Van. I just wanted to come by

and extend an olive branch.

- ID, please.

- It's a terrible picture of me, but--

Well, I'll be the judge of--

There's nothing fake

about this ID.

Did you sit behind me

two semesters ago?

I think I remember this behind.

I mean, you sitting behind me.

This whole rivalry thing

has become a tad childish.

Well, I hope we can put it

all behind us and be friends.

That's what Gwen wants.

You have absolutely

no idea what Gwen wants.

Say hi to your gerbil for me.

Okay, kids.

This is our Uncle Jger.

That's right.

Drink up.

This tastes like sh*t.

Do you have any scotch?

Gotta go.

Sorry. Bye.

Bye-bye. Call me.

Gentlemen.

Trooper.

We got an anonymous tip that there's

some underage drinking going on here.

Hutch?

Hell no, man.

I've been at the door all night.

Good enough for me.

Have fun, guys.

All right, Trapper.

Stay cool.

- I love you, man.

- No, man.

I love you.

Those circus midgets

cannot hold their booze!

Don't worry, Van.

We'll get you out, man.

Delta Iota Kappa rules!

Damn it, Gwen, pick it up.

I know you're there.

You know I have my Northwestern

interview next week.

Look, I need you

to help me "release"...

some pressure.

You know, help me "relax."

Just so we're clear,

I'm talking about intercourse.

I know you had

a fling with Wilder.

And it's okay. You just had

to get it out of your system.

I just hope

you used some protection.

And I wouldn't want

our future children to be tainted...

because Mommy went slumming

one night back in college.

Why don't you go "release"

your own pressure?

And just so we're clear,

I'm telling you to go f*** yourself!.

Hi, partner in crime. Is there anything

I can do for you today?

Oh, my God!

We make such the fab team!

Last night, I was so like Bonnie and

you were so like Clyde. And now this.

Would you shut up?

I'm trying to pleasure you.

Sorry, Richard.

Pleasure away.

- PS, this is an awesome room.

- PS, shut the f*** up!

Here, I'm done

with all of this.

- The Wilder story's not done.

- Read it before you criticize.

He got expelled today.

Is that in your story?

'Cause it should be.

- Is Van here?

- He don't wanna see you.

- Excuse me?

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